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**FantasyWitch** · 12 May 2011, 09:01

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Actually I have noticed how much you go on about your son.

(in advance if anything I say seems insensitive, it is not meant that way at all! It's just that I can't think of a better way to say it)

I think you lack your own identity. Your own meaning is nothing without your child, which makes me wonder what you were like previous to having him. You never post unless it is about your son or your husband which makes me wonder what YOU are all about. Who are you without these two people in your life? And if you can't think what you would be without them then that is not a healthy mind set to be in.

Your child is your life, and rightly so, you should love and cherish him, but you should NEVER be nothing without him. He should see you as full of life, and meaning and passion. Not a shell without him in it. If that is what he sees you to be, it will be what he expects of all women, mothers, parents throughout his life.

But that is not the reason you should change your mind-set. You should change it for you. You wouldn't be asking for opinions if you didn't think on some level your friend might be right.

So you get it? I hope someone can say it better than me... X

**volcaniclastic** · 12 May 2011, 09:21

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Actually, I don't think I could say it better than Kim. Well done, love.

You should be your own person FIRST and FOREMOST - regardless of who is in your life. Yes, a child is important, as is a life partner, but it should be about YOU first. Because if, for whatever tragic reason (gods forbid it should ever occur), these people were to be gone from your life, you would have nothing to fall back on.

The way I see it is this: imagine a world with nothing but you in it. Make it your own world. Now, all these other things that you put first, use them to enhance your own life, but not become your life. Does that make sense?

**Tylluan Penry** · 12 May 2011, 09:56

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

You know, as I see it, it's not about loving your son too much, because that isn't really possible. Like you, I love my children and even though they are grown up I would always try and do anything I could to help them.

But that's not the problem.... you just don't love yourself enough.

Think about it....why don't you have thoughts of your own that don't involve your child? Don't you deserve any? And doesn't your child deserve a Mam who has her own sense of identity? If all you are is a pale shadow of your child, who will he learn from? Who will he respect - when you don't respect yourself?

My own suggestion is not to stop posting about your son on FB.... just to start posting about yourself too! Try it - you may be surprised!

**Dez** · 12 May 2011, 13:59

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I think there is some very wise advice here, Hun, even if it might possibly be hard to hear.

Having a strong personal identity isn't just about your personal health and well being, either(although that is important). It's also for your son. Not only will he grow up looking to you as a role-model, but I know a lot of women who make their children their everything...and you know what? As a child grows, there's a very real risk of that devotion turning into pressure...after all of that hard work, what happens when he starts making choices you don't agree with? I can promise, if everything is about him, it will be hard for you to not take it personally....and feel as though you have failed somehow.

**yukanaoe** · 12 May 2011, 14:07

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

thanks ladies. i understand what you guys mean. but its easier said than done... i went from living with my parents to living with Dufonce then we had our Son. Its all I've ever wanted in life was a husband and children.

i wouldn't know where to begin to start to change things.

**thalassa** · 12 May 2011, 15:42

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Originally posted by yukanaoe View Post

thanks ladies. i understand what you guys mean. but its easier said than done... i went from living with my parents to living with Dufonce then we had our Son. Its all I've ever wanted in life was a husband and children.

i wouldn't know where to begin to start to change things.

I think you need to learn to be by yourself, and figure out who YOU are as a person. Wife and mother is only part of you--big parts to be sure, but not your entire identity. Eventually kids move out, move on with their lives and you become a bit of an afterthought, no matter how much they love you. How will you define yourself then?

What do you like to do? Do you paint, sing, read, etc? What would you like to learn to do? Climb a mountain? Surf? Figure out something just for you and take the time to do it. Meet new people, go out on your own. What are your hopes and dreams and aspirations for yourself? Who did you want to be as a little girl?

This might be personal (and by all means, do NOT feel you need to answer it here)...but I think its important for you to think about, because I have seen too many mothers get caught in this trap at some point in their childrens lives...but how do you prioritize your relationship between your husband and your child? Have the two you you discussed it? I've seen several people ruin their relationship all together with their spouse over their kids by not having established boundaries.

**Dufonce** · 12 May 2011, 16:13

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

like we've been told time and time again...

love yourself first, your spouse second, and the child will follow suit.

we both want him to be happy and we both love him. if we make sure we are happy and then make sure the other is happy. he will be happy, because his parents are happy and bring happy things into the house.

**Dez** · 12 May 2011, 16:33

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Thal's point is spot-on, IMO. I relate to that a lot...yukanoe. My husband and I got married when I was 18...and my parents told me i'd never be able to function without them. Two kids and six years later, I realized that I was well on my way to not knowing who I was outside of my roles as wife and mother.

So what did I do?

I sat down and made a list of the things that made me happy as a teen; things like reading, planting a garden, getting dressed up so I felt cute... Then I made a second list of things i had always wanted to do. As I work may way through both, more and more I find that there are things I never,ever expected to like, and goals i never though would be important to me that are. Slowly but surely I'm starting to figure out who I am as an adult woman, and becoming capable to handle my own problems.

No one can make that sort of change happen, through love or admonishment. The only person who can figure out what you need to start becoming more empowered is you.

**Gardenia** · 12 May 2011, 20:25

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Originally posted by yukanaoe View Post

also who really want to know about me anymore?

Well, I'm going to guess that your friend does, since she mentioned it. Probably not just her though, but your other friends, your family... and you know, eventually your child will as well, when they are older. Pushing yourself aside totally isn't just doing a disservice to yourself (and it is), but to the others in your life, and that does include your child as well. There will soon be a point where you will help your child in becoming an individual, show them how to have a healthy relationship with themselves, and their friends/family - how can you do this if you've lost your own self? And as they become older, they may want to see more of mom, beyond the 'mom' stuff (I mean, you'll always be mom, but that shouldn't be all you are). Even before they move out, they're going to need their own space too. I mean, what young teen wants Mom in their business all day, you know? You don't want to be overbearing... but if you don't have any of your own hobbies, wants, needs... it may happen.

It's important for you to have more layers to you, it's important to the people around you, and it's very important for YOU too. Your friends like you because of YOU, not because of your kid (although they may like your kid too). You don't have to stop being mom, it can be important to you - even the most important thing - and that's fine... but try adding in time for yourself, those other layers, too. Small steps... post about baby on FB - but maybe try to post something about yourself every day, too. Or around here, make some of your posts more about you, as examples. Make a little time for your hobbies every day, or weekly - if you don't really have hobbies, now is a good time to find some, right? Try some new things, baking, painting, gardening, gaming, reading, writing... if it looks kinda neat, go for it! (Although, I have seen that you make jewelry, so there is a base there!) It's not healthy for you to have no "me" time, no self identity beyond "mom" and "wife" you know? Those are parts of you, big parts, but they shouldn't be all of you.

You have to love yourself, too, first for your own sake, and second for those around you. If you can't do it for yourself yet, then do it for your child, your husband, your friends and family... because when you do, soon enough you'll see why you're worth it.

**DanieMarie** · 13 May 2011, 07:40

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Originally posted by Tylluan Penry View Post

You know, as I see it, it's not about loving your son too much, because that isn't really possible. Like you, I love my children and even though they are grown up I would always try and do anything I could to help them.

But that's not the problem.... you just don't love yourself enough.

Think about it....why don't you have thoughts of your own that don't involve your child? Don't you deserve any? And doesn't your child deserve a Mam who has her own sense of identity? If all you are is a pale shadow of your child, who will he learn from? Who will he respect - when you don't respect yourself?

My own suggestion is not to stop posting about your son on FB.... just to start posting about yourself too! Try it - you may be surprised!

Couldn't have said it better.

A couple more things:

First, having dated a lot, I've had some problems with men whose mothers were too doting. They're often the types who can't do as much for themselves or do things like help around the house, and they also often have very fragile egos and react badly unless they're getting constant admiration. Keeping your own identity will not only help you become a fuller person, but it will also give him a bit of independence, which will in turn make him a better adult.

Second, one day, he'll grow up. And he'll move away, go to college and/or get a job, and get married and have a family of his own. This is hard for any parent, but if you make him your entire life, it'll be a lot harder. When the people I grew up with grew up and moved away, I saw various reactions from their parents. Some, like mine, were a bit down about it at first but also enjoyed having some more space and (at least in the case of my own) are very happy to be in the next phase of their lives. Others took it pretty badly and felt empty afterwards, and one girl I know had a mother who just couldn't let go and took it out by trying to control her life, which was really damaging to her trying to forge her own adult identity.

I hope I'm not sounding insensitive here. I just really think it's important, because one of the main jobs of a parent is to help their child grow and become a good, independent, solid adult. I think that's harder to do if you yourself don't have something of your own independence.

---------- Post added at 05:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:36 PM ----------

Originally posted by yukanaoe View Post

thanks ladies. i understand what you guys mean. but its easier said than done... i went from living with my parents to living with Dufonce then we had our Son. Its all I've ever wanted in life was a husband and children.

i wouldn't know where to begin to start to change things.

See if Dufonce can watch him sometimes and do your own thing! Plan a ladies night, or take up something you think you have an interest in (a craft, art, learn a language? There are a lot of things!) If you have limited funds for things, see what's going on in your area for free and go from there. There's got to be -something-, some activity, that you'd be interested in doing that doesn't involve a child!

**Tylluan Penry** · 13 May 2011, 11:39

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

When my children were growing up I made sure that the boys learned how to cook, sew on buttons etc - because I didn't want any of them marrying just in order to have someone to look after them. I made sure that the girls were educated so that they could get a good job, because I didn't want any of them marrying just in order to have someone provide a roof over their heads.

And Mr Penry and I always said that the greatest gift we could ever give our children was to teach them how to manage without us.

**yukanaoe** · 13 May 2011, 12:38

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

oh i know and i agree.

its just when this happens it makes me not want to ever let go of him!!!!

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**Medusa** · 13 May 2011, 12:45

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Originally posted by yukanaoe View Post

oh i know and i agree.

its just when this happens it makes me not want to ever let go of him!!!!

It doesn't matter what you want. It's what is good for your child, who needs to be raised to be a self sufficient human being.

**yukanaoe** · 13 May 2011, 13:25

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

wow that was harsh

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