love? to much? not enough? or just different

[thalassa]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

wow that was harsh

How is that harsh?

Its far harsher--at least to your child, who I would *think* is your first concern, to raise him in a way that is unhealthy for both of you. Mrs. Penry is correct that you can never love your child too much...but love is also about learning to let go...and that letting go starts when they are born and only increases as they get older. Kids aren't yours to keep as a parent, if you are going to do your job properly, it means not obsessing over them. Once they leave, is there anything left of you? Thats not healthy either for you or for your kid.

Kids are cute. If you think Medusa was harsh, you really aren't going to like this...but its reality. To you, your kids are the cutest, most special, and adorable little bundles of joy that you have bonded with. Except for you and your husband, and grandparents, no one else really thinks that about them. Sure, if they are doing something cute, its cute, and the story might be funny...but thats because kids are cute (or else we would kill them at the age of 2) in general. I don't think your kid is any cuter than any other kid out there...now my kids on the other hand...they are damn cute, and smart and funny and they do the silliest things. But I realize that is because they are my kids. Because they are mine, I think my children are the cutest, most special and adorable little bundles of joy that I have bonded with.

I think sometimes momma's (and daddy's) tend to wax too much poetic too often about the exploits of their kids. When taken in context and done occasionally, its a good thing...being a parent is a part of who you are (but its not ALL of who you are). Done in the first year of parenting, particularly with the first child...its even understandable---but its also annoying. I can say this because I have been that annoying person. At some point in time, you need to realize that most adults don't want to interact with other adults over their children--or they would be a teacher, or a pediatrician or a sports coach. I have my own children to interact over on a regular basis, I don't care what yours do on a daily basis. Sure, if its a discussion over parenting or what the family does for a holiday or something, then stories about the kid are appropriate pieces of conversation...but I'm pretty sure that your friends want to talk to you, not listen to you talk about your kid...particularly when they have their own.

[DanieMarie]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

^^^

Very true.

Also, I don't want you to take this to be harsh, but I know it's going to sound that way. but I don't mean it that way. But, you mention in your first post that your friend has a "selfish" side to her still, and kind of imply that you're not selfish. But, making your child your entire world -is- kind of a bit selfish. Because it's not really about helping him grow and become a person, it's about -you- and how you feel about him and what you want. Also, it kind of seems like you're not really showing a lot of consideration for the others in your life aside from your child and husband.
I'm not meaning necessarily that selfishness is entirely negative. EVERYONE is selfish in their own way...it's self-preservation and totally natural. But maybe you can take some of that and use it to develop yourself as your own person, which would enrich your life, your husband's life and your child's, as well as help you build stronger friendships (which are important, and I think too many people forget about friendship when they get married and have kids!)

[Medusa]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I wasn't trying to be harsh. It's my direct way. But now..I am going to be silly.

We've all seen what happens to kids who are raised by a mother who makes their child their whole entire world. That kid grows up to be a jerk,selfish, arrogant. Or sometimes they grow up to be downright creepy and wear their mother's panties on while at work. Nothing good ever comes from mothers who make their child their whole entire world. It will teach a young boy that this is what women do. And when he gets older and finds women have minds of their own, it's going to be a very big shock. Just go watch Sex and the City and watch Clay and his mother together. It was creepy.

I keep thinking of making a comparison and I hope she doesn't mind. I think of Rafe. Ive (and those who here long enough) we, have watched Rafe desperately want nothing more then to be a mother. We've watched her go through some painful and emotional struggles trying to conceive. Then she did FINALLY! And to this day I read her fb. There are videos of her kid. Their are pics. There are stories. And....equally...there is her. Her passions. Her favorite books. Her thoughts on the world around her. I have never felt I lost Rafe the woman to Rafe the mother.

You have a child because that's what you want. But a child is a living human being. And they will, regardless of what you want or not, grow up. And it's up to you to make sure they do so in a healthy way.

[yukanaoe]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

SEE this what freaking happens when i try to do something for myself!!! i went to in to the beach and when i put down the convertable top the window shatters!! This is why i never do anything for myself!! cause something always ruins it!!!!! fml!!! And now it looks like rain OH JOY!!!!

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

SEE this what freaking happens when i try to do something for myself!!! i went to in to the beach and when i put down the convertable top the window shatters!! This is why i never do anything for myself!! cause something always ruins it!!!!! fml!!! And now it looks like rain OH JOY!!!!

That's just life.... don't let it get to you. It's nothing personal.

[Medusa]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

SEE this what freaking happens when i try to do something for myself!!! i went to in to the beach and when i put down the convertable top the window shatters!! This is why i never do anything for myself!! cause something always ruins it!!!!! fml!!! And now it looks like rain OH JOY!!!!

Don't let this be your excuse. Do something else!

[thalassa]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Don't let this be your excuse. Do something else!

Yeah! Try it again!!

Isn't that what you would tell the kiddo if he didn't get something "right" the first time?

...besides, now you have a story to put on your FB that isn't about the kiddo

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Years ago, when I was very young, I fell in love with a remarkable man (not Mr Penry - this was before we met) who taught me a very important lesson in life. You never give in. It doesn't matter how many times you go down, it's how many times you get up that count. And it doesn't matter if you get hurt or whatever, you just keep picking yourself up. You spit in their eye. And you say 'Come on, is that the best you've got?'

He taught me a very important lesson, this early love of mine, something that I've never forgotten. If you don't want to go under, then you don't give in. You might go under anyway, but not without a fight.

I only saw this remarkable man give in once.... shortly before he died. But that's another story for another time.

What I'm trying to say is that remarkable people, people who fight against the odds, have a part to play, a lesson to teach. People who just give up because a window shatters and the rain gets in are selling themselves short. You deserve better than that.

[DanieMarie]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

Yeah I agree with everyone else. And having been knocked down a few times in my life, I know that I always came back just a little bit stronger.

[FantasyWitch]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade

Fuck it hunny and try again. (excuse my language) X

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

My mother had serious problems with my growing up, and that caused serious problems in our later relationship. I think it's great that you have a loving bond with your child! Just remember that bond must be flexible, and will change a lot as he matures into a man, which he must do, whether you like it or not. Enjoy each stage of his development, as they will guide both of you to his adulthood.

[yukanaoe]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I'm sorry for the outbreak yesterday.. I was just frustrated. and Dufonce was panicking so that wasn't helping.

i've been thinking lately and yes some hits home but some i dont understand.

I have no problem with him growing up sure sometimes it sucks. but i love seeing each new discovery each new step. I'm not one of those obsessed moms that want to keep their kid a baby forever. yeah that would be nice but its unrealistic. I'm already planning his schooling and we (dufonce and i) have already talked about and planned how we are going to handle some situations we had a face as a teen.

he's very smart and he learns sometimes more swiftly that most kids his age. he is above in his developmental regulations given by the Dr and very independent (as long as he's well) and listens quite well for an 18 month old. I do believe that a portion of this is parenting. (i'm not stupid enough to think that its all our doing. but it has to be some. if noone was trying then he wouldn't learn as much)

i'm a book worm I read all the time! I'm a home body and I have everything i need. and anything else i want i cant convince myself i need. so i dont get it. but thats my decision. my job sucks but I am extreemly happy the way my life is. (excluding money but who doesn't)

i love my son more than anything. but i doubt I'll ever be able to put him below myself. its to grained in. its how I was raised. 'think of others' 'now how do you think that makes your (name) feel?' 'others before yourself' that whole thing. I've always had someone i had to think of before myself. when I was with my dad it was my sick step mom. now my husband and my son. my needs always come second (or third) I've finally been able to pull myself into third place tho. knowing that I come before everyone else. (I hurt my life quite a bit b4 i was able to learn that one)(always thinking i wish someone would do that same for me if i was in their situation) but my Son will always trump me. and i honestly have no problem in that. it makes me happy as long as I don't feel used i like to try to keep equality with my husband as much as possible but in the long run. he would still prolly come b4 me.

honestly how is any of that bad? have my hobbies (reading and sketching and apparently sewing((newly found))) my passions (the beach/water and sign language) but i only do these things while I'm away from the baby or when he is sleeping. but ultimately what makes me "me" is my family and my religion.

[thalassa]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

There is a difference between thinking of others, and treating others how you would want to be treated, and showing consideration and even (in some situations) putting others before yourself and only thinking of others and always thinking of yourself last...and defining yourself by any one thing, particularly when that one thing is someone else. There is nothing wrong with wife and mother being the biggest part of who you are, but it that is *all* that you are, thats sort of sad...what if something happened to your family? Who are you then? What gives you the drive to go on or helps you cope? Even if nothing happens to your family...I've seen so many people burn out that way, its not even funny. If you don't see that difference, then you aren't going to get what we are telling you from direct experience and observation, regardless of how many ways we say it, or how many examples we give you. At the end of the day, all any of us can be is whatever kind of person and parent we want to be, and define ourselves however we see fit.

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

So many people nowadays don't provide adequate care for their kids, and it's great that you love yours so much. It's hard to have "me time" with a young child but it's important - I think one common thread among all the "denominations" of Pagans is the importance of balance and harmony. If you are happy, he will pick up on that.

I do think the photo you chose for your avatar here is very telling - he is very much in the forefront, yes?

[Gardenia]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

honestly how is any of that bad? have my hobbies (reading and sketching and apparently sewing((newly found))) my passions (the beach/water and sign language) but i only do these things while I'm away from the baby or when he is sleeping. but ultimately what makes me "me" is my family and my religion.

Because it's not healthy to never put yourself first some of the time. It's not healthy for you, for your child, for the other people who value you. Defining yourself majorly by other people is also not healthy. It's fine to put your children first much of the time - hell, it's normal for parents to do this - but it's also important to do things for yourself.
You do have hobbies and other passions, other parts of yourself. Don't be afraid to give attention to those parts of your life. Don't be afraid to let other people know about them either - your friends shouldn't have to beg you for any little bit of news about you! Thinking of others is good, but never thinking of yourself first is a bit extremist. Is it the lesson you want to give your son? That he should never come first? That he should define himself by other people?


Honestly - all this has been said a few times now in this thread. Go back and read the replies before this post of yours, and if you can't get our answers about why this is wrong... well, I'm not sure what else can be said.