love? to much? not enough? or just different

[OpenHands]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

your thoughts please.

Your descriptions remind me in some ways of my own mother when I was young. For a while she had very little personal identity or time to herself while she was raising us kids and it had to be hard with three little ones and my dad working so much. She was just "the person who is my mom" until she got burned out and decided to make herself more of a priority. Suddenly she became "the person who is my mom- and a talented crafter- and a student- and ultimately a nurse" and it was pretty awesome. My sisters and I got to see a side of her she never let out before and we were really proud of her accomplishments. Plus, it helped us think about the kind of people we wanted to grow up to be.

I'm not a mom so I don't want to offer any advice. I just want to observe that in my own situation, having a mom who had a definitive life and identity outside of marriage and motherhood had a positive impact on my sisters and I. I grew up with a mom who *shined* in her independence and pushed us to follow her example. Everybody has to assess their own situation though, I've never walked in your shoes.

[DanieMarie]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I think that there's a difference between putting others first a lot of the time and continually ignoring your own needs. If you really love someone, it's normal to put their needs above yours a lot of the time. But if you're doing it ALL the time and simultaneously ignoring yourself, you're being a martyr and that's not really healthy for yourself or anyone else.

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

When I was younger, three of my children were born in under three years. You can imagine I had my hands full. And you have to give children your full attention because they deserve no less from us.

But I never stopped being me. I never stopped being a person with needs, dreams and ideas. I certainly never viewed my children as 'above' me (nor I above them.... it wasn't an issue.) As a parent (IMHO) one needs to lead, partiuclarly when children are very young. You cannot give them choices because they don't have the skills or knowledge to make safe choices ('yes dear, run along and play on the motorway if you want to....)
As they grow older, the trick is learning to teach them to make those choices, to give them the skills and knowledge they need out there in the big wide world. You can only do that if your children believe that you might possibly know what you're talking about (by a certain age, mind you, they are convinced you are a complete half-wit).

As I am so fond of saying - the opposite of selfish is not selfless. It's doormat.

[Monk]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

There is much sound advice here from people that care about you. As a parent of three independent and caring children I have noticed that they mirror my and my wife's traits. So as we do so do are children, so to speak. The point I'm trying to make is that someday your child my put themselves in a very similar position as you have, that of caring for another and being incapable of caring for themselves. It is hard to change just for the sake of change, but maybe you can do it for the sake of your child. This situation obviously is of some concern to you or you would not have posted this thread. As I have said we do care about you and your family and of all these words are meant in a hopefully helpful and concerning manner with no intent to hurt.

[Gobae]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

As I'm reading all this good advice, I'm reminded of a quote we were taught in EMT class. "You can't save anyone's life if you're dead/disabled/burnt out". That quote proceeded the section on safety, physical, and psychological concerns of the Emergency Services worker and a similar version applies here.

Basically, "You can't be a good mother if you don't address your own needs". You will be of no use to your son later on if you can't show him who what a well rounded person is. Nor will you be able to take care of him when he needs it if you end up being burnt out after having given it your all after 5, 10, or 15 years.

Finally, I must say that your post really struck a chord with me. You see, MY mother was much the same way you describe yourself now and our relationship is crap. At the age of 68 she has no idea what to do with herself because she never developed any interests past being a mother and wife (and now dad is dead). The only friends she made were through child related groups (Le Leche League, PTA, etc) so now of course they're gone because we (the children) grew up. In many ways she still treats me as her little boy despite the fact that I'm 41, because our relationship never evolved into "Adult->Adult" like it did with my dad. The irony of the whole situation is that she did instill a burning desire to do different things, learn as much as I can on lots of topics, and take care of myself; by not being like her.

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

What Gobae said! My mother used to go on & on about how she didn't want me to be like her. We've been estranged for 10 years now.

[Shahaku]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I'm not a mom, but I can give some advise that I received in a child development course. Take a day every week or two for yourself. That doesn't mean that your son or husband can't be a part of that day, they can be very involved, but don't start out thinking, "What would my son/husband like to do today?" He doesn't have to enjoy everything that happens in his life. If you like the beach, but he doesn't, take him along anyway or let a family member or friend have some one on one time with him. It'll be good for him. And most of the time you can go on asking yourself what they would enjoy.

Another thing is that children whose parents are too watchful don't develop social skills like they should. They don't learn how to interact in adverse situation. It may seem harsh to allow them to be in situations they don't enjoy, or even seem harmful, but studies show that children need these things to develop properly. So another kid pushes him down at the playground? Don't step in right away. Don't let a brawl start, but let him handle it and talk about it afterward and how to better handle it.

Basically, a little distance is a good thing. For everyone involved. I hope that makes sense.

[DanieMarie]

Re: love? to much? not enough? or just different

I'm not a mom, but I can give some advise that I received in a child development course. Take a day every week or two for yourself. That doesn't mean that your son or husband can't be a part of that day, they can be very involved, but don't start out thinking, "What would my son/husband like to do today?" He doesn't have to enjoy everything that happens in his life. If you like the beach, but he doesn't, take him along anyway or let a family member or friend have some one on one time with him. It'll be good for him. And most of the time you can go on asking yourself what they would enjoy.

Another thing is that children whose parents are too watchful don't develop social skills like they should. They don't learn how to interact in adverse situation. It may seem harsh to allow them to be in situations they don't enjoy, or even seem harmful, but studies show that children need these things to develop properly. So another kid pushes him down at the playground? Don't step in right away. Don't let a brawl start, but let him handle it and talk about it afterward and how to better handle it.

Basically, a little distance is a good thing. For everyone involved. I hope that makes sense.

Really true! Part of growing up is to learn how to do things you don't want to do and kids who wont compromise have problems when they get a bit older and even more problems as teens and adults! We all know that one acquaintance who just HAS to have it her way....it has to be her restaurant or her choice of movie. And no one likes it....