When they told me to lose myself...
...I don't think they meant to quite this extent.
This is going to be a longwinded post to say the least, but it's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to, or seek guidance or new perspectives from. I accept that that's no ones fault except my own, and I've decided it's time to crawl out of my shadowy corner once more.
In the past 2 years, I've experienced a breaking down of nearly everything I believe. I've been called towards paganism since I was a child, and started down my path when I was 19. But i was always filled with so much doubt and fear, that I never could grow very much. Even simple meditation seemed too difficult a feat for me. I suppose all the internalizing I did when I was a child kept me from believing that I could ever become more than what I was, though I didn't see it then. The only constant through that was my patron deity, the one I call Father and who's always stayed with me in some way or another, no matter what happened.
When I found myself pregnant after what amounted to no more than a delusional tryst with someone I thought I loved, I felt the world truly turning dark and cold. It finally came to me willingly putting myself in a 96 hold to keep myself from doing something horrible, something I'm still ashamed of ever considering. But I pulled though, at least in the sense that I was no longer a threat to myself and the baby.
I thought i had finally found friends, but they turned out to be two faced, helping me only to feel good about themselves. It took that falling down around me to truly realize how broken I had become, to truly realize how far from my path I had strayed. I had truly lost myself...but now, how do I find myself again?
I'm tired of being alone, of trying to feel my way along in the dark only to bang up against the same walls over and over again. I need help, I need guidance. I need a new perspective. I no longer trust my instincts, and after reading through this forum and seeing the diversity and intelligence here, I've decided that maybe reaching out is the best course of action. Now, more than ever, I need a path, I need a foundation. I need advice, fellowship, people to point in a direction that might help me. I'd love to hear similar experiences, and how you overcame them. I'd love to know about practices, resources, books, anything that might help me build a foundation to grow upon.
The only things I'm even moderately sure of are that I'm drawn to the Egyptian pantheon most strongly, but I also feel a pull towards Japanese, Celtic and Native American folklore. What I have studied, I didn't absorb enough to hold on to. I'm restarting, a mostly blank, if crumpled, page. So please, if anyone can help, I'd be very grateful. I'm open to any and all advice, willing to learn and try. While I still struggle with fear, I'm not afraid of meandering and backtracking if something doesn't feel right. I'm ready to start a new journey.
This is going to be a longwinded post to say the least, but it's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to, or seek guidance or new perspectives from. I accept that that's no ones fault except my own, and I've decided it's time to crawl out of my shadowy corner once more.
In the past 2 years, I've experienced a breaking down of nearly everything I believe. I've been called towards paganism since I was a child, and started down my path when I was 19. But i was always filled with so much doubt and fear, that I never could grow very much. Even simple meditation seemed too difficult a feat for me. I suppose all the internalizing I did when I was a child kept me from believing that I could ever become more than what I was, though I didn't see it then. The only constant through that was my patron deity, the one I call Father and who's always stayed with me in some way or another, no matter what happened.
When I found myself pregnant after what amounted to no more than a delusional tryst with someone I thought I loved, I felt the world truly turning dark and cold. It finally came to me willingly putting myself in a 96 hold to keep myself from doing something horrible, something I'm still ashamed of ever considering. But I pulled though, at least in the sense that I was no longer a threat to myself and the baby.
I thought i had finally found friends, but they turned out to be two faced, helping me only to feel good about themselves. It took that falling down around me to truly realize how broken I had become, to truly realize how far from my path I had strayed. I had truly lost myself...but now, how do I find myself again?
I'm tired of being alone, of trying to feel my way along in the dark only to bang up against the same walls over and over again. I need help, I need guidance. I need a new perspective. I no longer trust my instincts, and after reading through this forum and seeing the diversity and intelligence here, I've decided that maybe reaching out is the best course of action. Now, more than ever, I need a path, I need a foundation. I need advice, fellowship, people to point in a direction that might help me. I'd love to hear similar experiences, and how you overcame them. I'd love to know about practices, resources, books, anything that might help me build a foundation to grow upon.
The only things I'm even moderately sure of are that I'm drawn to the Egyptian pantheon most strongly, but I also feel a pull towards Japanese, Celtic and Native American folklore. What I have studied, I didn't absorb enough to hold on to. I'm restarting, a mostly blank, if crumpled, page. So please, if anyone can help, I'd be very grateful. I'm open to any and all advice, willing to learn and try. While I still struggle with fear, I'm not afraid of meandering and backtracking if something doesn't feel right. I'm ready to start a new journey.
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