Searching for knowledge.

[threethreeseven]

Hello everyone, and a preemptive thanks for any time and effort spent in the thread I'm creating here. I'm sort of in a search for knowledge and understanding that I feel may be more fruitfully spent here than lots of time digging through internet searches. I apologize greatly if this turns into a bit of a wall of text, but I'd feel a little rude and ungrateful to ask for knowledge without at least familiarizing my situation.

I'm not personally a practicing Pagan (or much of anything at this point), but my partner of nearly 10 years is.
I can't unfortunately say I know too many details of her particular beliefs, other than being aware of seemingly strong Celtic influence. I'm personally just a strong believer in choosing whatever serves you well in life and does no harm, so my normal standing is that I can't help but feel it doesn't even need to be my business.

Unfortunately it has stepped a bit more into our shared lives recently. In an issue that she'd brought up years ago but never committed to, she recently informed me she was very strongly considering a 12 month vow of chastity starting with the Summer Solstice. It may not come as a surprise that I'm not exactly on the same plane of thinking with this idea. Believable or no, it's really not even a lack of sex that is upsetting, so much as a general feeling of something missing from basic romance/intimacy if I feel I must hold back during simple intimate moments of time spent together. We started as a long distance relationship and I've always been aware I can survive without sex for long periods of time, but I'm fearful of a general frustration at the lack of a full spectrum of intimacy when we are always together.

Of course my first instinct was to wonder if our actual relationship had spurred this idea forward in any ways, but she has (now, and in the past) assured me this was a non factor. She has always been as true and honest a person as I could hope for, so there's no rational reason for me to create any worries of a greater influence with this.


So ultimately I'm arrived at the point of hoping to find out more about a practice I'd have never even considered as stereotypically Pagan in nature, but then they *are* called stereotypes for a reason. I simply don't feel justified in confronting this without at least doing my due diligence in seeking to understand it in the first place.

[thalassa]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

Has she explained why she feels called to do this?

Its not typical as far as i know, from any Celtic traditions that I know of. Certainly in the Greek and Roman priesthoods there were chaste priestesses--but that was reserved for temple clergy, and there were religious observances that included sexual abstinence, but those were typically of a much shorter duration (like the length of the festival). chastity, along with fasting aren't uncommon for various reasons, from keeping vows to making sacrifices....but a year seems a bit long.

[monsno_leedra]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

Like Thalassa the only groups I am aware of with anything remotely similar are Hellenic (Greek), Anatolain (modern Turkey) and Roman or Med basin areas influenced by them. But those were usually for the duration of a observance or assignment to some temple, sanctuary or shrine for a year only. But such assignments usually went to the priestesses or such not the acolyte or devotee in my research. Even then it very much also depended upon which Goddess one was serving. Figure those priestesses who served Artemis, Kybele (Cybele) and a few other's were expected to remain chaste during their term of office and could expect severe punishment potentially for breaking it. Can't even think of the Egyptian's, the Celtic speaking peoples, Germanic (Teutonic) or Nordic groups having anything remotely like it.

Would be curious to see what her pathwalk or practice is and which named goddess / god she calls upon as it seems more personal than cultural / historical in origination to me.

[Willow]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

I have heard mention of a practice of temporary (but long-term) chastity vows, along with not cursing, drinking, eating meat, and a few other things I don't remember because they didn't stick in my head as being something I couldn't commit to personally. But it was part of an Eastern belief system, not Celtic. I'll see if I can figure out what the path was called.

[threethreeseven]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

It would be rude to not at least come back and acknowledge the replies here, I appreciate them, though in case anyone picked up the vibe of the post there's a greater issue that has unsurprisingly cropped up here.

The fact she'd suddenly decided to be willing to go through with it after so many years of considering but deciding not to was a big red flag for me, and it's came down to us being very likely unable to have a future together. But, even if for myself the intimacy thing isn't so much a future concern, I still do have an interest in her not doing something for the wrong reasons. It's kinda clear it's something she plans to use to find greater strength to deal with personal struggles and issues, and I think my only worry was not having all her eggs in one basket hoping for a specific thing to be the saving grace from problems.

Huge thanks for humoring an outsider selfishly walking in and asking something of you all, it's much appreciated.

[Jembru]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

As someone who was physically unable to have intercourse for 3 long years of an otherwise fantastic relationship, I struggle to understand why this should result in you breaking up. JP and I were forced to find different ways of expressing our love for one another, and I became an expert at oral! ^^ I think some couples get into a rut of just 'going through the motions', for some people a quick romp once or twice a week is enough to feel loved, but for others, especially if it feels like just sex, with no passion or emotional sharing, sex can quickly become more of an obligation that one must endure to keep their partner happy (and more to the point, faithful). I realise I'm in danger of quoting 'Men are from Mars, Women or from Venus' here, but the book makes some valid points. Speaking as a member of the fairer sex, I personally agree that sex alone doesn't make me feel loved, and could in the absence of any other expression of intimacy, make me feel used and undervalued.

Have you discussed your reservations openly an honestly with your partner? If not, I'd suggest starting there. As others have stated, a year seems a little long, so perhaps you could reach a compromise. A few weeks or months without sex could actually bring you closer, as it forces you to express your love in different ways. When you do finally start making love again, you may well find that it is better than it was before.

[Aeran]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

^ I would think oral sex would fall outside the purview of behavior allowed by a chastity vow And there's a huge difference between being physically unable to do something and being able to do something but choosing not to.

Anyway, like the others, I really can't think of any reason related to Celtic paganism that someone would undergo a chastity vow, nevermind one of that length. While I believe there is a spiritual benefit to sexual abstinence (in the right manner and with the right motivation), I can't think of any reason for someone to hold off on all sex for a year unless they were undergoing an intense period of specific meditative training, which it doesn't sound like your partner is.

I hate to say it, but this sounds much more like a problem in your relationship and sex life than some spiritual obligation.

[Juniper]

As much as I'd like to offer a reason for such a choice, I cannot think of one. Based on what I've read here, there doesn't seem to be a spiritual root for her choice, but that doesn't mean there isn't a spiritual reason. I strongly urge you to have a conversation with her, to find out what's going on between the two of you. It may help you (both) if she educates you in her spiritual path, so that you understand sheet she's coming from. Just because she identifies as a pagan and attaches a certain label to her studies, doesn't necessarily mean we will know all about it. People often (not always) tend to mix several paths into their practices.

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[iris]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

The thing is that many pagans make their own way, not necessarily following a set tradition. So asking us will not clarify her reasons, just because none of us have heard of a religion requiring something of that duration, it can still be spiritually important to her. You say she has been talking about it for a long time, so it's not something she is doing on a whim. As others have said, you need to talk it through with her.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Searching for knowledge.

There are ideas that abstinence will focus power, that abstinace creates purity, that abstinence is an offering to deities, etc.

But, until there is a conversation on the subject, there is no one here who can tell you what is the motivation in this particular case.

If you have an intimate relationship, conversation is mandatory.

If conversation is not possible, you need to reconsider whether you actually have a relationship.

If it is concern over whether the other is making a wise choice... Well, you have no control over another, aside from conversation.

In short - have a conversation.