Okay, after a short while of calling myself non-religious I'm gravitating back towards Paganism but the thing is, I don't feel connected to anything. I might walk in the nature and while I enjoy the sights and sounds, I don't feel the kind of connection a "proper pagan" should feel (yes, I know that is a wrong way of thinking, pardon me), I'm just going out to get back to the computer again, or to get something to eat.
The same with the more "spiritual" sides of Paganism. It seems just another separate piece in my life that demands too much energy and effort. Probably the nature of Paganism is such that some extra effort is needed but I don't know how to use that time and effort for building a sustainable Pagan practice instead of completely random rituals that I throw away once done. (Because I see no point in doing them.)
Maybe I just don't care, maybe I'm too lazy but whatever the reason is, I'm an outsider in my own (spiritual/pagan) life. And my spiritual life is separate from my daily life. (I'd rather be "ordinary" than "spiritual" so perhaps it's not a bad thing but I'm a bit bored of trying to arrange all the bits and pieces of myself so that they don't contradict each other all the time.)
The same with the more "spiritual" sides of Paganism. It seems just another separate piece in my life that demands too much energy and effort. Probably the nature of Paganism is such that some extra effort is needed but I don't know how to use that time and effort for building a sustainable Pagan practice instead of completely random rituals that I throw away once done. (Because I see no point in doing them.)
Maybe I just don't care, maybe I'm too lazy but whatever the reason is, I'm an outsider in my own (spiritual/pagan) life. And my spiritual life is separate from my daily life. (I'd rather be "ordinary" than "spiritual" so perhaps it's not a bad thing but I'm a bit bored of trying to arrange all the bits and pieces of myself so that they don't contradict each other all the time.)
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