Hiding In Plain Sight

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Blech, fake talk in general. Gossip disguised as concern. Stupid news items that make no sense if you put any sort of thought into them. People treating blatant lies as fact. Valuing people based on their financial worth rather than their human qualities. The list goes on. I feel pretty curmudgeonly right about now.

I don't know if you're being friendly or looking for tips on dealing with more emotional people. Either is fine. I think basic small talk is a kind of necessary fake talk, but there is a kind of "Oh, aren't we best friends but not really" kind of interaction that I find exhausting. I guess I like sincerity. I'm like Linus. I don't know how encouraging this explanation is to you. I suspect you need to be insincere more often than others. But you have been pretty up front about your struggle in your posts so maybe not so challenging as all that.

I think it's okay to say " I see you are really upset about those animals. I agree it's bad, but I don't have a way of discussing it with you without us both getting angry." Sincere enough, but not fake. For a stranger "I really can't talk about that, it's too hard for me". Those would both work for me, although family is different sometimes because of history.

Anyway, this is pretty rambling. I suspect your skills are pretty good already. Hope you are feeling better.

What does this mean? "I feel pretty curmudgeonly right about now."

I can deal with emotional people. I mean, it pisses me off a lot, but I can deal with them. And I am feeling better, thank you. I find a lot of interactions exhausting. I feel like everything is an act.

[Prickly Pear]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I just meant that it was getting to be a long and ranty list of things I dislike about other people. I sounded pretty grouchy.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I just meant that it was getting to be a long and ranty list of things I dislike about other people. I sounded pretty grouchy.

Really? I didn't notice, I thought you were just talking, lol.

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Almost had an episode again tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I just need a day to myself with no one around me. I'll take what I can get but me just being holed up in the room isn't going to keep me away from everyone. I'm glad that I managed to calm down. Usually my episodes involve me losing control and smashing and breaking things, crying, screaming, and being the aggressor. Not sure what to say about it other than my last actual episode was years ago. I wonder if I'm falling into depression again or generally just tired of putting on a mask every single day. I feel like a rubber band that's been so tightly wounded that it's threatening to snap. As I write this I'm a bit more calm. Everyone is asleep, there isn't any yelling in the house. People seem to mistake that we are devoid of emotions. Some, not all. Of course we don't feel guilt, not sure what to say on that matter. These are just some thoughts that have been rolling around and swimming through my head. The predatory feelings are so weird. Weird as in I don't know how to describe it. Something you would have to feel yourself to understand. I keep looking at another person that I know, like she's a toy. I wouldn't be surprised if she was like me. She seems like me. Something I noticed. I observe her behavior because I know there's something off about her. She's interesting to me. I'm looking at her like she's the beautiful Gazelle and I'm the powerful Lioness.
Sometimes I wonder if she understands what's going on.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Really? I didn't notice, I thought you were just talking, lol.

- - - Updated - - -

Almost had an episode again tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I just need a day to myself with no one around me. I'll take what I can get but me just being holed up in the room isn't going to keep me away from everyone. I'm glad that I managed to calm down. Usually my episodes involve me losing control and smashing and breaking things, crying, screaming, and being the aggressor. Not sure what to say about it other than my last actual episode was years ago. I wonder if I'm falling into depression again or generally just tired of putting on a mask every single day. I feel like a rubber band that's been so tightly wounded that it's threatening to snap. As I write this I'm a bit more calm. Everyone is asleep, there isn't any yelling in the house. People seem to mistake that we are devoid of emotions. Some, not all. Of course we don't feel guilt, not sure what to say on that matter. These are just some thoughts that have been rolling around and swimming through my head. The predatory feelings are so weird. Weird as in I don't know how to describe it. Something you would have to feel yourself to understand. I keep looking at another person that I know, like she's a toy. I wouldn't be surprised if she was like me. She seems like me. Something I noticed. I observe her behavior because I know there's something off about her. She's interesting to me. I'm looking at her like she's the beautiful Gazelle and I'm the powerful Lioness.
Sometimes I wonder if she understands what's going on.

Oops. These weren't supposed to be in the same message.

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

So is this a formal diagnosis?

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

So is this a formal diagnosis?

I've already talked to a Psych. Recently, actually. I have to wait until I'm a bit older to be diagnosed with ASPD. I'm too "young". But he's already told me that I have ASPD but am too young to get diagnosed with it officially because my brain isn't done developing. Ive been like this for years. It isnt going to magically change from the time it takes me to turn from 17 to 18.

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Brain maturity doesnt occur til your 20s

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Brain maturity doesnt occur til your 20s

It still won't make a difference. Children born like that isn't going to change when they hit their 20s, so. I wasn't born with it, but still. Sometimes I'm content being like this, other times not so much. Some are diagnosed at 19.

[thalassa]

Not meaning to be abrupt...I'm on my phone & insimniacing in bed when I should be sleeping.

Honestly, it doesn't sound all that abnormal to have intense period of wanting to be alone, to want to scream or rage or cry or whatever. Seems pretty much like life.

[anunitu]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

At times I think,do the shrinks really understand all the various aspects of human behavior. Mostly it seems they believe they understand how humans are effected by events in life,or there are physical changes. I almost think we humans have a built in death wish along with a severe fear of death. Just from all the really evil acts some humans commit I do wonder about what Jung called the Shadow. Our deep dark sinister other self I think it is considered.

Our darker angels,as compared to our better Angels .

Just my wondering mind..as the year wanders to another ending.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Honestly, it doesn't sound all that abnormal to have intense period of wanting to be alone, to want to scream or rage or cry or whatever. Seems pretty much like life.

Sure, that's normal, I guess. Being upset and all that shiz. My lack of morals or the fact that I don't feel guilt or regret is another thing. Couple that with a low emotional range. Makes an interesting cocktail.

- - - Updated - - -

At times I think,do the shrinks really understand all the various aspects of human behavior. Mostly it seems they believe they understand how humans are effected by events in life,or there are physical changes. I almost think we humans have a built in death wish along with a severe fear of death. Just from all the really evil acts some humans commit I do wonder about what Jung called the Shadow. Our deep dark sinister other self I think it is considered.

Our darker angels,as compared to our better Angels .

Just my wondering mind..as the year wanders to another ending.

Evil and good are perspective based.

[anunitu]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I have wondered about myself because I do not mourn people that have died,not for my Father or Mother,or older brother or older sister. I do not feel anything other than the feeling they are no longer here,but no mourning.
Not sure if that is because I do not feel anything,I just have never felt like mourning like I see others do. I will say I have never felt like I belonged anywhere(Stranger in a strange land thing)

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I have wondered about myself because I do not mourn people that have died,not for my Father or Mother,or older brother or older sister. I do not feel anything other than the feeling they are no longer here,but no mourning.
Not sure if that is because I do not feel anything,I just have never felt like mourning like I see others do. I will say I have never felt like I belonged anywhere(Stranger in a strange land thing)

Everyone reacts and deals with grief or death differently.

[Medusa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I will caution about owning a label. Don't let that own you. Don't let it define you. I spent my whole life watching a bi polar mother. Then saw I was on the same path as her. It really messed me up for a while there. I just gave into it. Wore the label and stopped living my life. I just became a walking diagnosis and didn't even try to better myself. After my last suicide attempt and put on emergency disability, I kicked my own ass into gear. A hell of a lot of self behavior modification and an iron vise on my emotions helped me. I don't do anything I 'feel' like doing. I do what's right for me and that seems to work. I don't always want to do it. I want to just smash into a truck at time still. But I don't.

I would listen to Thal. You have years before you are who you really are ever going to be. Don't write yourself off.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I will caution about owning a label. Don't let that own you. Don't let it define you. I spent my whole life watching a bi polar mother. Then saw I was on the same path as her. It really messed me up for a while there. I just gave into it. Wore the label and stopped living my life. I just became a walking diagnosis and didn't even try to better myself. After my last suicide attempt and put on emergency disability, I kicked my own ass into gear. A hell of a lot of self behavior modification and an iron vise on my emotions helped me. I don't do anything I 'feel' like doing. I do what's right for me and that seems to work. I don't always want to do it. I want to just smash into a truck at time still. But I don't.

I would listen to Thal. You have years before you are who you really are ever going to be. Don't write yourself off.

Oh I'm not. I just know how I think, how I act, feel, and what I'm going to do. I'm just tired of faking stuff, y'know? I mean, my mind and how i think isn't going to change, I'm jist exhausted. Back when I was younger everything was a lot worse. I didn't have control over myself. I stole hundreds of dollars from my Kin, blew it on B.S., used to fight all the time, steal, have issues with the police, set stuff on fire. I'm a lot more in control now. I just get tired of holding myself back and acting a certain way.