Finding myself again.

[Star]

When I first started my journey I was astounded at how comfortable I was even though I didn't know much but I seemed to have lost touch with my inner spirit and energy. I have noticed that I carry a lot of negativity and my energy feels depleted or not as strong. I don't know if it's because of my new job I got 2years ago(yes, it has taken me 2 years to finally reach out) or fear of a past experience recurring. How can I find that special place again?

My husband even went out of his way and let me have the house to myself to cleanse the home and myself but as I was smudging it just felt like I was going thru the motions and my heart wasn't in it.
I also thought that maybe it is because I don't have any friends who are pagan/wiccan/spiritual. I truly am solitary.
Please help.

[monsno_leedra]

Truthfully this is a difficult one to answer as there are so many possibilities. It could be your job, it could be due to a sense of betrayal from the past, it could be due to a sense of uncertainty about the future, even an uncertainty about what and where you want to go.

In many ways, to me anyway, from reading what you've revealed it's not your spirit that is lost it's your idea or what you want. Your earlier journey seems to have been defined by an earlier friendship and perhaps goals & direction based upon it. Now your somewhat adrift so direction is lost, which means focus and potential guidance. That means or suggests your spirit and energy is also unfocused and undirected. It feels like going through the motions due to the motions not having a goal or purpose anymore.

To use a boat analogy your sort of like a skiff with it's rudder just spinning you in a circle. So it does feel depleted and not strong, perhaps even lost. So you have to sit and decide what you want to do and where you want to go. To do that you have to decide what you want to get from it. Not specifically in the long run at the moment but what you want it to do for you in the short run and then set the goals.

[Star]

yes it is tough trying to decide where i want to go and how i want to get there. my friend does have a lot to do with it. she was my guidance in a sense but now we have went our separate ways. I suppose I have a lot to figure out at this point. Thank you. you have given some good insight.

[B. de Corbin]

I tend to be a wanderer, so in your situation, Star, I wouldn't be thinking about a destination and how to get there; I would look around, and let the trail take me to where it goes.

Some people prefer a more defined direction, though, so my way may not work for you.

Personally, I see uncertainty as a sign that I am about to learn something new.

[faye_cat]

If I was you, I would look around your life and mental health before you try to assess any issues in your spiritual practices. If you are having health (mental or physical), emotional, or unhappy issues in your regular life, for example, if you feel stuck in your career or deal with anxiety, then that can affect your spiritual self.

If you feel fine in other aspects of your life, but it's only when you get to your craft that your energy flags, then it could be you are simply have an ebb of inspiration. Most long term practitioners have ebbs and flows where they feel more (and then less) connected to their practice. So maybe analyze your practices, see if there's a particular thing you are doing (calling circles, meditation, etc) that sets off the feeling, and alter as needed. Or study something new! Or go back to the basics and see what you can brush up on or practice in a different way.

I hope you find your peace again.

[iris]

It's ok to not know where you're going, to look around a bit. Maybe you need a change? If your friend was leading you down a certain path and you're still trying to follow that, maybe let yourself just float around for a bit. See if anything else catches your attention. Take some time to just feel and don't focus so much on getting a result. You don't gave to do a certain thing or ritual to be spiritual. Maybe going outside and enjoying nature is what works for you? Or taking up a craft to channel some creativity.
I agree very much with Faye, if there's something else I your life demanding attention it can affect you a lot. And that's ok. In any case taking care of yourself is important. If everything is great, maybe you really just need to let yourself be curious, explore what's out there a bit. I'm sure it's not your spirit that's out of touch... Maybe you're just trying to something you don't truly want to. There are as many paths as there are people. You don't have to find yours right away. And it can change.

[volcaniclastic]

I tend to be a wanderer, so in your situation, Star, I wouldn't be thinking about a destination and how to get there; I would look around, and let the trail take me to where it goes.

There's a word in Inuktitut for this. Taullituq - it's one of those complex words that can only exist in languages other than English. It refers to the journey across the tundra, and how for miles and miles you can see your destination, but no amount of walking makes it seem as though you are getting any closer. I have it tattooed to me in syllabics, actually. It's a constant reminder for me that wisdom is obtained during the journey, not at the destination.

Star, take baby steps. Life throws us up and down and through hoops. If your end goal is "be a good pagan" or "be comfortable in my faith" ...take small steps towards that goal. Cleanse the house, meditate, pick a topic on the natural world to study, take a walk in a forest (or a swamp, or the tundra, or the beach, wherever home is to you), pay attention to the small things - the chirp of a bird, the sound of snow falling in silence, the way the night sky looks. Journal, if that helps.

I do daily planning (for my actual life), and the planner I use has this really good brainstorming section. They call them "Passion Roadmaps". Take a blank paper or page of your journal, and in the centre, write the thing you want most to happen. In this case, "find my spirituality again" or something like that. Then, set a five minute timer. In those five minutes, just write everything that comes to mind that will help you get there, whether it's take a walk, talk to us here on PF, read a book, swim in the ocean, whatever. Literally anything that comes to mind. At the end of the five minutes, review the map - set your timer for one minute. In that minute, look over your options you just wrote down, and pick four that you think will be the best to start with.

Then, do those things. In a few months, go back to your map and redo it - then do those few things that resonate most with you. Here is a copy of the roadmap from the planner I use, which separates things into times (3 mo, 1 year, 3 years, lifetime)

Hope this helps!