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Thread: hi

  1. #1
    pragon
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    hi

    Hello everyone. I guess my journey to find meaning and purpose in life has lead me to this site. I have a very complicated past with being religious. I used to be a Christian but I had a very bad experience while being one. I went on to study other religions and went to practice a bit of this and that. Even tried studying more about the occult. Eventually I became so lost and confused that I decided to just become agnostic. I just don't know. But.... Being agnostic still lead me to find out about other spiritual/religions that I haven't tried yet. I felt this constant yearning and tug to still continue my search. All it did was lead me back to some of the same religions and practices that I did in the past. I didn't want that. During this year of May, I decided to make a change in my life. By becoming an atheist. Recently my life has felt so empty and without meaning. I don't think being an atheist is going to last for me. I feel like I have become more harsh and judgmental to religions. I felt like I was losing respect for life. Not to mention I am a suicidal person. I constantly have feelings of wanting to kill myself quite daily. I lost my best friend in 2016. I got no friends now. I am pretty much a loner. I struggle with self control and have a lot of mental challenges and or problems that I face daily. I don't really like who I am and I am tired of trying impress other people. I want to be myself and I don't know how. But I can say one thing.... Even If I struggle with my doubts and am quite a skeptic when it comes to all these religions, I still have that belief that something is out there. I don't like to think of it as a God <--- When ever I think of that word or God, I automatically think of someone who is in control of everything, meaning this universe. This world is screwed up. I hate to think of something like a tyrant in total control. To me, that is not love. But I guess that's just what I used to believe about God being a serious and taking Christianity to an extreme. I take all religions seriously and find out every single detail and history about it before I make a decision. However, I am pretty screwed up. Paranoia, conspiracies, countless videos on Youtube. It has put fear into my head. Watching it as a kid and believing all these things. I live in anxious fear constantly it seems. I believe in divinity (higher powers is my definition) I do believe there is another form out there that is smarter then humans. I don't call it God but I do like the word divine and spirits perhaps. But maybe its because I never really thought or had the desire to become a polytheist who believes in more then one God. God can be defined in so many different ways. Its so confusing to me. But there is something about Paganism. Nature and all this other stuff. I love nature. I love this earth. I am against the system and how this world is run. I feel humans are destroying this world. Not all of us... But I think about the pollution and destruction of some of the forests. I don't know... Maybe I'm just going into a rant and I don't mean to. I am not here to offend anybody. I am just really confused and need something in my life. I need a guide. I feel lost. I am alone and sick and disturbed. I cant stay an atheist. I need to believe in something. In fact, I tried communicating with Thoth a few or couple days ago. No joke. I had my doubts but I tried to mediate and see if I could communicate with him. It seems I eventually like to experiment with beliefs here and there. Sometimes I wonder if I am being controlled by something that is evil. Like a demon... hah! No joke! I sometimes feel like I am being tormented in my mind. Please don't start bringing up things like doctors and all this other stuff. It don't work. I've tried it before. Medication and psyche wards. Yeah, I don't need that again. I'm not as crazy and you may think I am. I may be crazy but hell, the world is crazy as well. We all are crazy if you think about it. I take things seriously. Please be understanding. My mind is wired quite differently then most others. Holy cow this is a lot so far. But anyhow yeah.. .I do have an interest in Paganism. It is kind of confusing and complex for me though. I don't really understand it that much with the God and Goddess. I am quite curious how people are drawn to it or how one becomes a Pagan. I don't know... Please help me. Thank you. And nice talking with you all. Bye for now. I will talk on here later. Cya!

  2. #2
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    Re: hi

    Hi Pragon, welcome!
    We all struggle in life. Some more than others, but that struggle will only make you stronger, so don't give up!
    I hope this forum will help you find your path

  3. #3
    Live and learn anunitu's Avatar
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    Re: hi

    indeed MS. E.
    MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

    all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
    NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
    don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




    http://www.paganforum.com/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=186&dateline=1330020104

    my new page here,let me know what you think.


    nothing but the shadow of what was

    witchvox
    http://www.witchvox.com/vu/vxposts.html

  4. #4
    Silver Member Bartmanhomer's Avatar
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    Re: hi

    Hello. Welcome to Pagan Forum. DOn't worry things will get better as time goes by.

  5. #5
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    Re: hi

    I have mental health issues. Hearing voices, getting anxiety, and even believed things that were contrary to reality(psycosis). I know how messy it can be. I've been deeling with it for the last ten years. I had some depresion before this happened but that was about it. I have been hospitalized before. I don't want to go back either, but know that I should if I need it. I know you don't want to hear it, but please find a profesional to help you out. Pills help me some but talking with my doc, and counseler has help a lot. I know that it can be easier to reach out online, but have people you can talk to in person, and know about mental health and can help you understand yourself is key. It may have been that the docs you had were just not that good. At the very least a professional would be someone who could listen to how you feel and show you that people can care about you. I'm glad you are at least trying to adjust to what sounds like a very bad situation. But you really need someone who knows their stuff. I think there are online profesionals you can talk with some I think are free especialy suicide prevention websites. please atleast look in to it. Hope you getter better soon.

  6. #6
    Silver Member anubisa's Avatar
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    Re: hi

    Welcome to the forum Pragon! We're glad that you're here! I know that we all have struggles. Your path will always change and you might not find that right path for a long while. As for God being a tyrant, I think that is more or less taught in the Christian and Catholic religions. I grew up as a Catholic and in my teenage years I started exploring Wicca. Now I am a dedicated Egyptian Witch and all I feel from my personal god and goddess are warmth and love. It's a wonderful feeling when you realize after growing up in that environment that the deities love you and you aren't going to be punished for making mistakes and you don't have to confess. I know you must be having trouble with your depression. I have depression too. I take meds for it. I also have epilepsy and for a while I couldn't drive because of my seizures. You have to wait six months, seizure-free, before you drive again. Once I started driving and got a job and started going back to school, my depression sort of disappeared. I do still have those setbacks, but it helps to be active. Get a hobby or find a job or something to keep your mind off the negative things. If you need to talk, we're always here to help. Welcome again!
    Anubisa

    Dedicated and devoted to Lord Anubis and Lady Bast. A follower of the path of Egyptian Wicca.

    Reading is Love | Serenity Hutchinson (Online Resume)

  7. #7
    pragon
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    New here

    Hello everyone. I come from a site called spellsofmagic.com. I decided to come here in hopes to find a better website on Paganism. Spellsofmagic is literally a joke. They teach illusion and tricks. It is pure fantasy. Nothing is taught about real magick there. Anyone can write spells, and upload them on that site, which means the site is full of trolls. I take spirituality and religion very seriously. When someone is sending me mails about how they want me to do spells for them, like flying or being teleported, I surely cannot take that person lightly. Let's get real here! Real magick exists! It has nothing to do with fantasy and magic, which is complete illusion.

  8. #8
    Sr. Member faye_cat's Avatar
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    Re: New here

    Welcome to PF! There's a lot of great people and information here.
    “I am Cat and I walk alone and all ways are the same to me.” ~Rudyard Kipling, The Cat Who Walks By Himself

  9. #9

    Re: New here

    Welcome, Kasmer!

  10. #10
    PF God-Empress Juniper's Avatar
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    Re: New here

    Welcome to PF.
    “Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.”
    ― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
    Sneak Attack
    Avatar picture by the wonderful and talented TJSGrimm.

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