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Thread: 20 Years In Satanism

  1. #1
    Member paganus's Avatar
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    20 Years In Satanism

    I hit my 20 year mark last month. Time flies. Seems like yesterday I was only 13.

    My friends in junoir high got me involved with Satanism. Those friends I had back were the "freestyle" kind of Satanist: you know, the Do-It-Yourself kind. My friend who was a "satanist" told me that all I had to do to be a "satanist" was pray to Satan, give him my life, and then read the bible and then commit every sin and do everything it tells you not to do.

    And so when I turned 13, in the shower, I did a little simple ritual, where I squated, placed one hand under my feet and one hand on my head, and I dedicated myself to Satan and said: "I don't have much to give to you, except everything between my two hands. If you guide me in my life to understand the mysteries of life, I promise to always be loyal to you."

    Satan kept his side of the deal, and I have since then never broken my promise.

    Dark Providence guided me to the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey when I was 14, which I read. It was actually the first book I ever read on my own. The only books I read back then were the ones school makes you read: Of Mice & Men, Lord of the Flies, stuff like that.

    Dark Providence leads you around, into different experiences, and different places. Certain experiences I had during my Freshman year in High School caused my family to ask me to leave school. I had gotten involved with Asian gangs, since most of my Asian girl friends were associated with Asian gangs. I'm half Asian. Raised in my mother's Thai-Khmer culture. And so, I dropped out of school when I was 15 and went to work at the family business.

    I liked LaVey's Satanism. Back in those old days, I'd use The Satanic Bible & The Satanic Rituals as road maps: whenever it talked about a subject or topic I was unfamiliar with, I went to the local bookstore and read everything I could about the subject. There were parts of LaVey's books that talked about the Freemasons and the OTO. I didn't know what those were. And so, I eventually made friends who were Freemasons and OTO members. I had Freemasons in my family, and so I even joined an auxiliar group for girls related to Masons. There was a part in The Satanic Rituals that talked about Knights Templars, which I didn't know anything. And so, I spent several years researching on them and buying all sorts of books about them.

    Thus, by using those two books as road maps, I gradually amassed a home library of over 300 books. I had a few books on the Kabalah, a few books on the Hebrew language, over 20 books on the Freemasons, dozens and dozens of books on psychology, anthropology, 50 books from the Business & Marketing section, books on NLP, books on history and politics; everything. And so on. Books were all I spent my money on. I ended up loving to read. It's all I did. I loved to walk around the bookstore for hours, browsing and reading books, and buying ones I liked. And at home, I'd spend more hours in my room, by myself, reading. And so, even though I dropped out of school, I liked to learn new things. Satan kept his end of the deal and guided me all the books and information I needed: to gradually understand the mysteries of Life. Just to get it out of the way: I'm a non-theist by default, and so I don't believe Satan is a real being. Satan is what we call Shram in Theravada Buddhism [I was raised a Theravadin], which is the Adversarial Force in Nature.

    When I past my 18th year on earth, I felt like I needed something more intermediary than the elementary stuff in the Satanic Bible. And so, Dark Providence wyrdfully and gradually led me to the ONA. The ONA is a hardcore form of Satanism, which has thousands and thousands of pages of manuscripts to study. Just what I was looking for. I was 20-years-old when I found the ONA, it was the year 2007; and I never left it.

    Something happened to me when I was 18: I suddenly stopped liking reading books. But brick and mortar bookstores died out anyways. When I found the ONA, I discovered PDF books! Because all ONA manuscripts are in PDF form. One of the tasks you're supposed to do as an ONA initiate is to find all ONA manuscripts and study them. There is so much ONA manuscripts to read, that reading everything took me 2 full years to do.

    And suddenly, after 2 years of reading every ONA manuscript, I developed the itch/urge to write my own ONA essays. And so I started a blog in 2009 and began to write, constantly. By 2013, in only 4 years, my blog got over 200,000 hits. I was getting an average of 260 hits per day. I decided to discontinue my blog, deleted it, and started my own ONA zine in 2014.

    I began writing essays in 2009. And for 10 full years, I wrote essays non-stop. Everyday, every week, every month, for a whole decade. Like my old blog, I saved all of my essays over at archive dot org. Because I had dropped out of school, I actually never learned how to write. And so, in 2009, my essays were stupid and retarded. I cringe reading anything I wrote back then. But over the years, because I constantly wrote non-stop, I got better and better at writing essays that were packed with substance and content. Back in 2009, I had trouble writing a 4 paged essay, it took me all day, and it took every ounce of energy my brain had. Today, I can write a 160 page essay in several hours like nothing. The longest essay I wrote so far is 200 pages long. And my zines got thicker with each issue. My recent zine has 666 pages, which was actually pretty easy for me to write. It took me a year. I publish one issue per year.

    In total, since 2009, I've written circa 5000 pages of essays: they are all saved at archive dot org actually. My zines have been downloaded [counting all issues collectively] about 8000 times, and my readership/audience size for the zine is circa 1000. My writings attracted two academics back in 2011 who were each doing their reports on the ONA. One was writing a book about ONA and the other was preparing to do a speech about Satanism for his university. Both the academics found me. The both were fans of my writings, and complimented me, and then interviewed and asked me questions about the ONA.

    Over the decade, with each essay I wrote, I learned more. It's weird. I can only write when I'm in "the zone," which I call the "Twilight Zone." It's a shallow trance state. Like you're meditating. I meditate, since I'm actually a Buddhist by culture and upbringing. In that trance state I hear my own voice dictate things to me, and I type what I hear out. And so, most of the time, I learn new information from proof reading what I wrote: information I didn't know about. In this way, I learn and teach myself from writing my own essays. You would think that I wrote essays on Satanism and the Left Hand Path. But 90% of all my essays are on Theravada Buddhism and Natural Philosophy and Ontology.

    I started my journey in Satanism when I was 13-years-old. When I was dumb and ignorant. Dark Providence led me to drop out of school. With nothing better to do with my time, I read books. And then Dark Providence gave me the itch to write. And from my own writings, knowledge bubbles from my psyche, and I learn from reading my own essays. What I've learned is what I have always wanted to know since I was 13: the mysteries of Life, the Cosmos, where everything came from, and who/what am I.

    I can say, that after 20 years of using Satanism as a tool for personal progression and growth, that if you use Satanism correctly [as a tool and not as an identity tag or a substitute for a developed Self-Identity], that you can develop yourself towards greater capacity of mind, and towards a greater understanding of the World & Self. In that regard, I think Satanism is cool.
    Last edited by paganus; 22 Sep 2019 at 19:19.

  2. #2
    Silver Member anubisa's Avatar
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    Re: 20 Years In Satanism

    Congratulations on your milestone. That's important that you continue to learn. We never stop changing in life. I wish you another 20 years.
    Anubisa

    Dedicated and devoted to Lord Anubis and Lady Bast. A follower of the path of Egyptian Wicca.

    Reading is Love | Serenity Hutchinson (Online Resume)

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    Member paganus's Avatar
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    Re: 20 Years In Satanism

    Thank you Anubisa! I'll do another 20 years!

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    Nihilistic Goddess Medusa's Avatar
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    Re: 20 Years In Satanism

    Congrats on that. I was 15 when I became a LaVeyan Satanist. I also read quite a lot. But then I had to put the book down and just do it. I had my share of wild times. Dark days when I was angry and needed to use darkness. Now I can hate people and smile. It's quite a gift!
    Satan is my spirit animal

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    Member paganus's Avatar
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    Re: 20 Years In Satanism

    Thank you Medusa.

    Yeah, there is a time to read, and a time to do practical deeds.

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