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Thread: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

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    sea witch thalassa's Avatar
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    Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    The CEOs of several beer companies met at a bar. The one from Budweiser ordered a BudLite. The CEO from Miller ordered a Miller Beer, etc. Arthur Guiness however ordered a coke. They all asked "Why didn't you order a Guiness?" He said, "Well if you guys aren't having a beer then neither will I.
    “You have never answered but you did not need to. If I stand at the ocean I can hear you with your thousand voices. Sometimes you shout, hilarious laughter that taunts all questions. Other nights you are silent as death, a mirror in which the stars show themselves. Then I think you want to tell me something, but you never do. Of course I know I have written letters to no-one. But what if I find a trident tomorrow?" ~~Letters to Poseidon, Cees Nooteboom

    “We still carry this primal relationship to the Earth within our consciousness, even if we have long forgotten it. It is a primal recognition of the wonder, beauty, and divine nature of the Earth. It is a felt reverence for all that exists. Once we bring this foundational quality into our consciousness, we will be able to respond to our present man-made crisis from a place of balance, in which our actions will be grounded in an attitude of respect for all of life. This is the nature of real sustainability.”
    ~~Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

    "We are the offspring of history, and must establish our own paths in this most diverse and interesting of conceivable universes--one indifferent to our suffering, and therefore offering us maximal freedom to thrive, or to fail, in our own chosen way."
    ~~Stephen Jay Gould, Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of History

    "Humans are not rational creatures. Now, logic and rationality are very helpful tools, but there’s also a place for embracing our subjectivity and thinking symbolically. Sometimes what our so-called higher thinking can’t or won’t see, our older, more primitive intuition will." John Beckett

    Pagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible

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    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    THE BEER PRAYER

    OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
    HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
    THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
    AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
    GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
    AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
    AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
    AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
    BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
    FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
    FOREVER AND EVER.
    - AMEN -
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




  3. #3
    Magnificent Bastard ThorsSon's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    [quote author=magusjinx link=topic=197.msg8422#msg8422 date=1288487380]
    THE BEER PRAYER

    OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
    HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
    THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
    AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
    GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
    AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
    AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
    AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
    BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
    FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
    FOREVER AND EVER.
    - AMEN -
    [/quote]

    I heard it only slightly differently:

    OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
    HALLOWED BE THY FOAM.
    BY PINT YE COME, YE SHALL BE DRUNK,
    AT HOME, AS IN THE TAVERNS.
    GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
    AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGE,
    AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
    AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
    BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
    FOR THINE IS THE PILSNER, THE LAGER,
    AND THE PORTER FOREVER.
    - BARMEN -
    "Don't ever miss a good opportunity to shut up." - Harvey Davis "Gramps"

  4. #4
    sea witch thalassa's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    ^is that like the difference between the Catholic and Protestant versions? :P


    In honor of Veteran's day...



    An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

    The Army general (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My soldiers are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.

    When all three representatives have arrived, the general states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the soldier, he says, "Private, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

    The PFC took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the Ranger swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

    The Marine general says, "That wasn't anything," and turning to his Marine he says, "Corporal, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

    And with that the corporal moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Marine hands him the eggs.

    The admiral smiles then says, "Very nice gentlemen," and turning towards his sailor he says, "Seaman, I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

    The deck seaman looks at the admiral, then the cliff, and again back to the admiral, where he says "Respectfully sir, FUCK NO!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

    The admiral turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, THAT'S bravery."

    The Five Most Dangerous Things You'll Ever Hear in the US Navy...
    A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
    A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, Sir..."
    A Lieutenant (JG) saying, "Based on my experience..."
    A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
    A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

    An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
    "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

    "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky bastard! All shore duty, huh?"

    Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
    The cannibals promised.
    Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you. However, one of our Chief Petty Officers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
    The cannibals all shook their heads. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing. And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

    At a command picnic, a bunch of officers were standing around talking. A Lieutenant said, "I think that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
    A Commander responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
    Then a Captain said, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it's more like 20% fun and 80% work."
    They continued to discuss the matter for several minutes until a Chief Petty Officer walked by. The officers called the Chief over to ask his opinion.
    The Captain said, "Chief, we're having a discussion, and we'd like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR thinks that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What's your opinion?"
    The Chief scratched his chin and said, "Sir, I think you're all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you'd have an Enlisted man doing it for you!"







    “You have never answered but you did not need to. If I stand at the ocean I can hear you with your thousand voices. Sometimes you shout, hilarious laughter that taunts all questions. Other nights you are silent as death, a mirror in which the stars show themselves. Then I think you want to tell me something, but you never do. Of course I know I have written letters to no-one. But what if I find a trident tomorrow?" ~~Letters to Poseidon, Cees Nooteboom

    “We still carry this primal relationship to the Earth within our consciousness, even if we have long forgotten it. It is a primal recognition of the wonder, beauty, and divine nature of the Earth. It is a felt reverence for all that exists. Once we bring this foundational quality into our consciousness, we will be able to respond to our present man-made crisis from a place of balance, in which our actions will be grounded in an attitude of respect for all of life. This is the nature of real sustainability.”
    ~~Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

    "We are the offspring of history, and must establish our own paths in this most diverse and interesting of conceivable universes--one indifferent to our suffering, and therefore offering us maximal freedom to thrive, or to fail, in our own chosen way."
    ~~Stephen Jay Gould, Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of History

    "Humans are not rational creatures. Now, logic and rationality are very helpful tools, but there’s also a place for embracing our subjectivity and thinking symbolically. Sometimes what our so-called higher thinking can’t or won’t see, our older, more primitive intuition will." John Beckett

    Pagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible

  5. #5
    sea witch thalassa's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
    “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
    “Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
    Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
    “You have never answered but you did not need to. If I stand at the ocean I can hear you with your thousand voices. Sometimes you shout, hilarious laughter that taunts all questions. Other nights you are silent as death, a mirror in which the stars show themselves. Then I think you want to tell me something, but you never do. Of course I know I have written letters to no-one. But what if I find a trident tomorrow?" ~~Letters to Poseidon, Cees Nooteboom

    “We still carry this primal relationship to the Earth within our consciousness, even if we have long forgotten it. It is a primal recognition of the wonder, beauty, and divine nature of the Earth. It is a felt reverence for all that exists. Once we bring this foundational quality into our consciousness, we will be able to respond to our present man-made crisis from a place of balance, in which our actions will be grounded in an attitude of respect for all of life. This is the nature of real sustainability.”
    ~~Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

    "We are the offspring of history, and must establish our own paths in this most diverse and interesting of conceivable universes--one indifferent to our suffering, and therefore offering us maximal freedom to thrive, or to fail, in our own chosen way."
    ~~Stephen Jay Gould, Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of History

    "Humans are not rational creatures. Now, logic and rationality are very helpful tools, but there’s also a place for embracing our subjectivity and thinking symbolically. Sometimes what our so-called higher thinking can’t or won’t see, our older, more primitive intuition will." John Beckett

    Pagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible

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    Bronze Member Clive's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    A guy goes into an ice cream parlor and tells the soda jerk he wants a chocolate sundae. The soda jerk tells him that they're all out of chocolate. The guy then says he wants a chocolate milkshake. Again the soda jerk replies that there is no chocolate. The guy then opts for a chocolate ice cream cone.

    The soda jerk says, "Sir, spell the 'van' in 'vanilla."
    The guy says, "V-a-n."
    "Spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry.'"
    "S-t-r-a-w."
    "Spell the f**k in 'chocolate.'"
    "There is no f**k in 'chocolate.'"
    "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
    Children love and want to be loved and they very much prefer the joy of accomplishment to the triumph of hateful failure. Do not mistake a child for his symptom.
    -Erik Erikson

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    Supporter Raphaeline's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    This thread is awesome. I can't believe I'm just now seeing this. I'm infamous for filling dead air with a joke as a conversation starter. I needed these!

    ... But I can't think of any that are appropriate... OH! Now I do but it goes in the Pagan Humor section! *goes there*

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    Supporter Hawkfeathers's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

    "i can handle that without a problem", the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

    The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair", the nun said, "back at our convent, we call it catholic shampoo" .

    Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

    He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

    Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

  9. #9
    sea witch thalassa's Avatar
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    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

    The proctologist fainted.
    “You have never answered but you did not need to. If I stand at the ocean I can hear you with your thousand voices. Sometimes you shout, hilarious laughter that taunts all questions. Other nights you are silent as death, a mirror in which the stars show themselves. Then I think you want to tell me something, but you never do. Of course I know I have written letters to no-one. But what if I find a trident tomorrow?" ~~Letters to Poseidon, Cees Nooteboom

    “We still carry this primal relationship to the Earth within our consciousness, even if we have long forgotten it. It is a primal recognition of the wonder, beauty, and divine nature of the Earth. It is a felt reverence for all that exists. Once we bring this foundational quality into our consciousness, we will be able to respond to our present man-made crisis from a place of balance, in which our actions will be grounded in an attitude of respect for all of life. This is the nature of real sustainability.”
    ~~Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

    "We are the offspring of history, and must establish our own paths in this most diverse and interesting of conceivable universes--one indifferent to our suffering, and therefore offering us maximal freedom to thrive, or to fail, in our own chosen way."
    ~~Stephen Jay Gould, Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of History

    "Humans are not rational creatures. Now, logic and rationality are very helpful tools, but there’s also a place for embracing our subjectivity and thinking symbolically. Sometimes what our so-called higher thinking can’t or won’t see, our older, more primitive intuition will." John Beckett

    Pagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible

  10. #10

    Re: Knock, Knock! Its a Joke!

    A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

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