Toxic People and Emotional Abuse

[Zephyr]

I'm on a journey and it's not easy. I had a serious wake up call this year regarding some of the people I've been trying to keep in my life. For years, I've felt frustrated, confused, and deeply hurt in many of my dealings with these people. Most were immediate family members (parents and siblings), and a couple of them were an old "friend" and boyfriend. To make a long story short, I began to do a lot of research and reading and things started to click. First of all, I was the family scapegoat. I have been mostly shunned and ignored by the very people who were meant to be there for me and care for me. My ex-friend and especially two boyfriends are narcissists who put me through a roller coaster of pain, emotional abuse, and confusion before I was finally able to realize what was going on.

It's been shocking to me to come to the realization that there are people our there (sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, etc.) who literally don't care at all about the damage and hurt they inflict on others. Then there are those of us who care deeply and have great empathy for others. How can there be such a difference? It's as if some of these people are operating at a purely reptilian level brain and it's truly scary. At 53, I'm no spring chicken, and realize now how much time and energy I have wasted on people who don't care about me and have actually enjoyed causing me pain. I guess realizing now is better late than never. I have gone no contact with all of these people (yes, even my family) and it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. These are people who have hurt me in many ways over the years, never really even got to know me, and have mostly ignored me anyway.

I'm wondering if it is unusual to have such a large number of toxic people in someone's life (like practically everyone I used to be associated with). I know much of it was caused by my lack of boundaries (the emotional abuse I experienced growing up pretty much shot my self esteem to hell) but it still seems strange and almost shocking to me. Distancing myself from these people has been one of the best things I've ever done, but it sure is a lonely journey (at least for now), and it's a difficult subject to talk about because many people don't understand how or why I'm not close with my family. This is pure self preservation on my part, and I have had to learn how to care about me and love myself.

If anyone has had similar experiences and/or have found ways to deal - I would love to hear from you! Peace

[Bartmanhomer]

I deal with these people all the time especially at my old job, college, and the internet. I just cut them off very quickly if people mistreated me this way. I don't have time and energy to put up their toxicity.

[iris]

I went no contact with my narcissistic mother about 5 years ago. It ended up costing me half the family cause while they told me they knew how she treated me, they would invite her to family events and tell me they were just protecting me by not inviting me.

Anyway. Seeing how long you've lived with it, it's not that abnormal. Growing up with one or more narcissists makes you more vulnerable to picking up others (especially partners) later in life, basically you're already groomed to give them what they want.
Good news is you can absolutely do something about it. Good on you for realising it and starting the work. Personally, I found a good shrink who understands unhealthy family dynamics. Generally, if you tend to pick up narcissists and such, you need to look inwards real hard. Yes, they target kind and empathic people. But there's a question of personal boundaries, self worth, and sometimes some martyr tendencies (amongst many other things) that come into play for the target. Find someone good to work with who can help you establish what is good and healthy for you, and learn to see the patterns and call yourself out if you keep falling into the old habits. It's not an over night thing, but you'll be glad you did it.

[Hawkfeathers]

I often wondered what I was doing to attract such people. Of course, as Wynona Judd says "If it's not one thing, it's your mother". I remember being a little girl and hearing my mother say some woman in the neighborhood was a saint for putting up with her terrible husband. That kind of attitude was pervasive back then. I never thought it made sense, but somehow it got internalized. Being "good" meant enduring poor treatment. I brought home a report card with straight A's and gold stars and got yelled at for being proud of it. I was told to never forget there's always someone better, no matter how it looks today. This kind of stuff makes a person vulnerable later in life to all sorts of things, none of them good. Anyway, I basically cut ties with all of that a few decades ago and am much the better for it. It's a process. Most self esteem is built in childhood, so if it was lacking then, it's much harder to get later, but it can be done!

[Bartmanhomer]

I often wondered what I was doing to attract such people. Of course, as Wynona Judd says "If it's not one thing, it's your mother". I remember being a little girl and hearing my mother say some woman in the neighborhood was a saint for putting up with her terrible husband. That kind of attitude was pervasive back then. I never thought it made sense, but somehow it got internalized. Being "good" meant enduring poor treatment. I brought home a report card with straight A's and gold stars and got yelled at for being proud of it. I was told to never forget there's always someone better, no matter how it looks today. This kind of stuff makes a person vulnerable later in life to all sorts of things, none of them good. Anyway, I basically cut ties with all of that a few decades ago and am much the better for it. It's a process. Most self esteem is built in childhood, so if it was lacking then, it's much harder to get later, but it can be done!

Good isn't nice. People can be good and still be a jerk.

[Zephyr]

Iris, thank you for your thoughtful answer. It feels good just to know I am not alone. I absolutely agree with you about looking inward and have found many answers by doing just that. It is clear to me that my self worth has/had suffered greatly due to how I was treated in my family early on. I was made to feel worthless and not as good as my brothers and sister; blamed for the things that they themselves had done. I know my self esteem took a huge hit early on. I can look back at experiences I had in my 20's and 30's and can see where having the proper self esteem back then would have opened up many opportunities. Instead I was always so unsure and really lacked self confidence. This attitude toward myself left me without boundaries and fully able to be set up by the next abuser.

I'm glad in your case that you have found someone good to talk to. Feeling misunderstood has held me back from trying to do something like that. Also, the idea of reliving some of my past by talking about it feels exhausting to me (although I'm sure it would be cathartic). What amazes me is the the idea of going no contact arrived to me at the beginning of the this year. It was like something inside of me (my own soul) had just had enough. It physically would not let me communicate further with these individuals who were causing me pain. It was only after that that I began to read about personality disorders and going no contact. I feel like it was my self finally just saying "NO, you're not doing this anymore!!!" The experience has also felt very spiritual to me.

I really do appreciate your response. It took some guts for me to write about this and I was really hoping to hear back from someone who understood.

I often wondered what I was doing to attract such people. Of course, as Wynona Judd says "If it's not one thing, it's your mother". I remember being a little girl and hearing my mother say some woman in the neighborhood was a saint for putting up with her terrible husband. That kind of attitude was pervasive back then. I never thought it made sense, but somehow it got internalized. Being "good" meant enduring poor treatment. I brought home a report card with straight A's and gold stars and got yelled at for being proud of it. I was told to never forget there's always someone better, no matter how it looks today. This kind of stuff makes a person vulnerable later in life to all sorts of things, none of them good. Anyway, I basically cut ties with all of that a few decades ago and am much the better for it. It's a process. Most self esteem is built in childhood, so if it was lacking then, it's much harder to get later, but it can be done!

Wow, yes - I can relate to that. My dad gave me body issues right from the start. I went through a "chubby" phase around age 12 or so. I remember my dad pointing out other girls me age and telling me, "See?? Those girls are around your age and they're not FAT!!" When I became practically anorexic to please him, he told me one day - "you may have lost weight but your butt's still big!" My mom stood by and watched him do this stuff and NEVER once interjected or stood up for me. I feel like this left me looking for male approval so much, the approval that I never got from my dad. Ugh.

It's vary validating to know that there are others out there who had to cut ties and go no contact with family. I think that's one of the things I've struggled with the most since this has all began. Most people just can't understand cutting ties with your own family, but sometimes there is no other way. Since I've done it, the best way I can describe the feeling is like there's this big poison cloud that has just lifted off of my back. I can see now where it was affecting me physically in more ways than I realized.

Thank you for your thoughts!

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I deal with these people all the time especially at my old job, college, and the internet. I just cut them off very quickly if people mistreated me this way. I don't have time and energy to put up their toxicity.

It is good that you are able to recognize it quickly.

[Bartmanhomer]

Iris, thank you for your thoughtful answer. It feels good just to know I am not alone. I absolutely agree with you about looking inward and have found many answers by doing just that. It is clear to me that my self worth has/had suffered greatly due to how I was treated in my family early on. I was made to feel worthless and not as good as my brothers and sister; blamed for the things that they themselves had done. I know my self esteem took a huge hit early on. I can look back at experiences I had in my 20's and 30's and can see where having the proper self esteem back then would have opened up many opportunities. Instead I was always so unsure and really lacked self confidence. This attitude toward myself left me without boundaries and fully able to be set up by the next abuser.

I'm glad in your case that you have found someone good to talk to. Feeling misunderstood has held me back from trying to do something like that. Also, the idea of reliving some of my past by talking about it feels exhausting to me (although I'm sure it would be cathartic). What amazes me is the the idea of going no contact arrived to me at the beginning of the this year. It was like something inside of me (my own soul) had just had enough. It physically would not let me communicate further with these individuals who were causing me pain. It was only after that that I began to read about personality disorders and going no contact. I feel like it was my self finally just saying "NO, you're not doing this anymore!!!" The experience has also felt very spiritual to me.

I really do appreciate your response. It took some guts for me to write about this and I was really hoping to hear back from someone who understood.






Wow, yes - I can relate to that. My dad gave me body issues right from the start. I went through a "chubby" phase around age 12 or so. I remember my dad pointing out other girls me age and telling me, "See?? Those girls are around your age and they're not FAT!!" When I became practically anorexic to please him, he told me one day - "you may have lost weight but your butt's still big!" My mom stood by and watched him do this stuff and NEVER once interjected or stood up for me. I feel like this left me looking for male approval so much, the approval that I never got from my dad. Ugh.

It's vary validating to know that there are others out there who had to cut ties and go no contact with family. I think that's one of the things I've struggled with the most since this has all began. Most people just can't understand cutting ties with your own family, but sometimes there is no other way. Since I've done it, the best way I can describe the feeling is like there's this big poison cloud that has just lifted off of my back. I can see now where it was affecting me physically in more ways than I realized.

Thank you for your thoughts!

- - - Updated - - -



It is good that you are able to recognize it quickly.

Yes. I can't stand toxic people. I wish there was a law that toxicity is illegal.