Yup, I'm still around and I trust that you all are well. As some of you no doubt noticed I sort of vanished for a while there. As I recall, the last news I had was that I finally found a job (which I still have). For starters, the job is at a convenience store called People's News, which is basically a newsstand that sells cigarettes, lottery tickets, and is also a bill-paying service. The job is simple enough and I like the people I work with, not to mention that it's a hell of a lot better than working in a restaurant.
That said, dealing with the general public is very stressful, what with the great deal of ignorant, mean, and downright stupid people I have to wait on everyday. Hence the reason I disappeared off the radar for so long - it was such a drastic change in my life that I needed plenty of alone time in order to preserve my very sanity.
Work issues aside, my problems with anxiety have been increasing as of late. I knew there was a serious problem when my worst fear came to life - I had a panic attack at work while dealing with a customer. Thankfully said customer was an old lady who has a crush on me, and my supervisor also deals with anxiety, so it wasn't a big deal. However, it is becoming a very annoying and distressing issue in my life which has further made me reluctant to interact with others when I don't have to.
Most disturbingly, this has seeped into my spiritual life as well. Very rarely do I pray or meditate or hold rituals anymore. It's not out of laziness, but rather a feeling of foreboding. See, one of the sources of my anxiety is a fear of things that are greater than I am and that I cannot control, as well as a strange phobia of my own body and how fragile and prone to injury and disease it is (or could be). To connect with gods and to explore my own inner and outer selves is actually becoming a very terrifying prospect for me. As of yet, I'm not sure what to do about this, but I've started by once again praying daily and inspecting my very lonely and ignored ritual tools.
Now, all that said, I realize this all sounds very much like a rant, but it truly is not. I have no desire to rant or get angry about any of these things. They are what they are and I'm dealing with them. I am merely discussing and sharing.
So, for some positive things. Mental issues aside, I am actually very happy with things right now. I feel that in every other way I've grown as a person, insofar as being able to turn lemons into lemonade, so to speak, and focusing on the positive things around me while changing or dealing with the negative.
In other news, I am in a new romantic relationship. I had been friends with this individual for about four years and in recent months something felt different between us. The rest is history and we're very happy together.
That is all for now. It's good to be back and to see so many familiar faces/names.
That said, dealing with the general public is very stressful, what with the great deal of ignorant, mean, and downright stupid people I have to wait on everyday. Hence the reason I disappeared off the radar for so long - it was such a drastic change in my life that I needed plenty of alone time in order to preserve my very sanity.
Work issues aside, my problems with anxiety have been increasing as of late. I knew there was a serious problem when my worst fear came to life - I had a panic attack at work while dealing with a customer. Thankfully said customer was an old lady who has a crush on me, and my supervisor also deals with anxiety, so it wasn't a big deal. However, it is becoming a very annoying and distressing issue in my life which has further made me reluctant to interact with others when I don't have to.
Most disturbingly, this has seeped into my spiritual life as well. Very rarely do I pray or meditate or hold rituals anymore. It's not out of laziness, but rather a feeling of foreboding. See, one of the sources of my anxiety is a fear of things that are greater than I am and that I cannot control, as well as a strange phobia of my own body and how fragile and prone to injury and disease it is (or could be). To connect with gods and to explore my own inner and outer selves is actually becoming a very terrifying prospect for me. As of yet, I'm not sure what to do about this, but I've started by once again praying daily and inspecting my very lonely and ignored ritual tools.
Now, all that said, I realize this all sounds very much like a rant, but it truly is not. I have no desire to rant or get angry about any of these things. They are what they are and I'm dealing with them. I am merely discussing and sharing.
So, for some positive things. Mental issues aside, I am actually very happy with things right now. I feel that in every other way I've grown as a person, insofar as being able to turn lemons into lemonade, so to speak, and focusing on the positive things around me while changing or dealing with the negative.
In other news, I am in a new romantic relationship. I had been friends with this individual for about four years and in recent months something felt different between us. The rest is history and we're very happy together.
That is all for now. It's good to be back and to see so many familiar faces/names.
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