Divorce

[yukanaoe]

hey there.
so dufonce and i have decided to split. and i'm looking for advice for us.

yes i know he can see this. i'm looking for advice for the TWO of us. we are going to try to get thru this with our friendship still in tact.

we have a pretty solid custody agreement so thats not an issue. but anything else you can add would be greatly appreciated.

please no "I'm so sorry' or any pity or anything. this is needed. and it has to happen b4 we start resenting each other.
we were just to young and we grew apart. nothing sad about that. and we dont regret our time together but that time has ended.

[Caelia]

Re: Divorce

Honestly? If you don't know how to be friends at this point just don't try. It sounds cold, but that's the truth. I've found with people who get a divorce if they don't know how to be friends it's not gonna happen. It becomes something very forced and just leads to further problems.

Otherwise here are some links:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingduringdivorce/tp/tips_stress.htm

http://www.modernmom.com/article/staying-friends-after-a-divorce

http://www.ivillage.com/ex-spouse-friend-reinventing-relationships-after-divorce/4-a-283597

[thalassa]

Re: Divorce

Be fair, and come up with a plan for the kiddo. Honestly--the worst thing you can do is use him as a negotiating tool or to hurt one another either now, or down the road.

[Dufonce]

Re: Divorce

negotiating tool? like grabbing him by the ankles and smackin her with him?

nah we're civil about anything and as for friendship it'd be hard to go to the same party as the other or out with a group, its gonna take adjusting. I agree with the way we do our custody. though I miss him like crazy when I have bouts of late days working (goin on 4 days without seeing him) her and I understand that its due to work, when I have off or get out early, I go spend time with him. I honestly think things are better now and less stressful with us apart. and I think we'll both end up in better situations in the future. I'm trying to stay positive.

like she said we were young when we met, she was 17 I was 20, our relationship got pressured, trying to split us, which pushed us closer. We lasted 5 years married, which I wont ever call a waste. Life is a learning experience, and I know 5 years ago I thought I'd be with her forever, but forever came early, but in a way, she is still a part of me forever, I learned a lot about myself, and I have my son now. another act in the play of life is closing, just waiting for the curtains to open to the next part. Im looking forward to the next part in the story of my life.

[Dez]

Re: Divorce

It seems as though you two don't actually want advice...so I'm not going to offer any. I wish you luck, though.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Divorce

It's great that you're staying positive, and I don't agree that it's not possible to be friends if you don't know how to now...you probably can and I know people who have done it. It seems that the best way is to give each other some space for a bit. That doesn't mean to not see each other (that's pretty hard with mutual friends and especially with a kid), but it means doing your own thing most of the time.

[verlignus]

Re: Divorce

The best way I have found to stay friends with exes? Treat one another as friends and not exes. You know what gets on the other's nerves and how to push buttons better than anyone else. Treat one another with respect, if an argument seems likely, just step back and say, this is making me angry, can we please discuss this when I am better able to talk about it? It is pretty much the same rules as any friendship. Just be respectful, non-combative and keep in mind that your child is more important than any THING or anyone's feelings. Best of everything to the both of you. Namaste (the femme entity of Verlignus) anything to add, Darling?

A mediator will be both cost effective and looking out for both your interests. You can find one through the family law offices affiliated with the court system. Just tell them you want a uncontested divorce, that you have a child you wish to share custody of and they will see things through for you.

[yukanaoe]

Re: Divorce

i'm sorry i guess i wasnt clear.... i tend to do that. sorry

i'm seeking advice on the actual act of divorcing.

(thank you caelia for those links. i'm looking as them right now)

[thalassa]

Re: Divorce

Get a lawyer--you both can go to the same lawyer together, without someone representing each of you, for a non-contested divorce. Tell them what you have decided on that is fair, get their input and have them take care of the legal parts.

Its really that easy. Plenty of people have amicable divorces.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Divorce

If you're doing things amicably you could also do it through a mediator. Might be cheaper

[Caelia]

Re: Divorce

Some states you don't even need that much. I know in Kansas if it's amicable all you have to do is fill out the paperwork, show up on the date, then it's done. Heck, you can even get the paperwork at Office Depot here.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Divorce

Yeah that's true. divorce is just really the dissolution of a legal union, and all you need is the piece of paper. If you can work out division of property and custody just file it yourselves!

If there are still some questions I do recommend a mediator though. It's just less messy and it's their job to help you work through that stuff.

[thalassa]

Re: Divorce

Yeah that's true. divorce is just really the dissolution of a legal union, and all you need is the piece of paper. If you can work out division of property and custody just file it yourselves!

If there are still some questions I do recommend a mediator though. It's just less messy and it's their job to help you work through that stuff.

Depending on where you live, a lawyer be cheaper...the average price for the divorce process around here is about $300-400 (uncontested and in agreement), and they do everything, you just tell them what you want and sign. Mediators here are harder to find...and more expensive. ...you just have to know your area. But either way, with kids, I would never do the deed myself without professional legal advisement.

[Corvus]

Re: Divorce

T.T I don't know anything about divorce processes but good luck.