Weddings and Handfastings

[thalassa]

Eh, I figured we needed a thread on this...

I read a randomly interesting concept on the matter this morning...

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

There were some very intereswting points raised - to me, the most important one is this: A marriage (or long term committment) requires that BOTH people make some adjustments to the way they live. Anybody who goes into this imagining that they can be the same after the committment as they were before is in for a rough ride & probably shouldn't even bother.

And the advice is good as well (although I don't know poop about chakras). Deal with things one at a time, expect it to take work, and don't imagine that the work ever ends - it might get easier, but you will always have to work at it.

Love is a powerful force. If you aren't ready to ride the tiger, avoid tigers or the tiger will bite you. Long term committments aren't for sissies.

[Shahaku]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

I really like this idea. It makes a lot of sense as I'm reading it. In a way, it also reminds me of part of some vows I found online. Each person is asked "Will you hurt him/her?" and the response is, "I may". Then they're asked, "Will you mean to?" and the response is, "No"

[thalassa]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

This is a binding and blessing for a handfasting from my BoS...not for everyone

Hand to Hand
Heart to Heart
Mind to Mind
Soul to Soul
that two may be as one,
bound with love and blessed together
and retaining their true selves within
May they be blessed with the gifts of the elements
Soil, the spirit of earth, to sustain their growth together
Breath, the spirit of air, to keep them in communication
Kindling, the spirit of fire, to remind them of passion's promise
Amphora, the spirit of water, to help them heal one another's hurts
bound with love and blessed together
to set their spirits free

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

Hand to Hand
Heart to Heart
Mind to Mind
Soul to Soul
that two may be as one...

Thalassa, the concept of "two as one" is pretty difficult for a lot of people to grasp - I think the fear is that a person might loose his/her individuality if two become one.

I think about this a lot - What's your take on that? You do go on to say "retaining their true selves within," so I suspect that you understand this in much the same way as I do, but I'd like to hear your thoughts...

[thalassa]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

Thalassa, the concept of "two as one" is pretty difficult for a lot of people to grasp - I think the fear is that a person might loose his/her individuality if two become one.

I think about this a lot - What's your take on that? You do go on to say "retaining their true selves within," so I suspect that you understand this in much the same way as I do, but I'd like to hear your thoughts...

Well...the only physical metaphor I can think of ATM is either an egg with a double yolk, or more rarely, when two trees different trees grow together. You (ideally) become one unit functioning together with different "parts". The Hubby is his own person, with his own interests, etc, as am I...but together we become something else, something more--but our individual selves aren't lost. Its something beyond just a partnership...we aren't married just for the sake of bills or taxes or even the kids...we are married because we complete one another to be better than we would be otherwise--and we retain that and take it with us even when we are apart. Its not about loosing yourself, but finding a better part of you.

...I suspect I'm making mush of this....I suck at trying to explain touchy feely stuff.

[Shahaku]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

...I suspect I'm making mush of this....I suck at trying to explain touchy feely stuff.

Well, personally, I really like the two trees concept. On a purely physical sense, I've seen a lot of this with bonsais where it's done deliberately. Each tree is it's own being but if you seperate the two (if you can) they are usually off balance and much less likely to survive.

I would like to think that a "perfect" relationship would be much the same. However, such a perfect relationship is not very often found anymore. Which I think is part of the root of the link in the original post.

[thalassa]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

I would like to think that a "perfect" relationship would be much the same. However, such a perfect relationship is not very often found anymore. Which I think is part of the root of the link in the original post.

No relationship is perfect, ever. All relationships take work, period. Whether you make a wholesale commitment and work on it from there, or make little commitments along the way (IMO) doesn't lessen the amount of work it takes. Part of the reason I found the article interesting was because I don't really agree with it.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

...I suspect I'm making mush of this....I suck at trying to explain touchy feely stuff.

LOL - we all do. Language is linear, and touchy-feely is oceanic. You'd have to be a poet to use language to describe a feeling, but then nobody'd understand you....

Thalassa, I'm going to disagree with you on the "no relationship is perfect" thing. I'll explain why, and I think you'll see my point -

It's the definition. If a person defines "perfect" as "without any friction" then you've absolutely right. All relationships meet with friction - can't help it - people rub. And the friction always has to be dealt with, so all relationships require work.

But if you define a "perfect relationship" in terms of content as in "what does it take to make one up," then among the things you would put into a relationship would be:

People who love each other (there are other types of relationship besides love, but love is what we're talking about here)
People who are willing to work at the relationship
Whatever other characteristics might be relevant in your opinion

Not to brag, but, using a definition like that (I actually only include the first two - they seem to be all that are necessary) my marriage is perfect. 30 years next June, and still in love. And still working... And yours probably is too.

By the way, my definition for "love" is generally the Heinlein definition: " Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... " When this is the case, and the feeling is mutual, nothing ever goes far wrong for very long. Ten or twelve years, tops.

[thalassa]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

I can totally agree with you on that Corbin... I'm defining perfect in this context as a combinations of "with out fault" and "easy", based on my experience in seeing the expectations of perfection from others--it seems that too often they think they should be able to have Thanksgiving dinner in a t.v. dinner. If you want fabulous turkey with all the delicious fixins, you have to do more than pull the cellophane off the tray and shove it in the microwave... I have a wonderful relationship, but its not without fault, and correcting (or learning to live with) those faults takes a heck of a lot of work sometimes...our relationship WORKS and is perfect <em>for</em> us, but I would hesitate to call it perfect.

I think part of my problem with the original article is that if you are making the commitment before THE commitment, then whats the point of getting married in the first place, beyond the material benefits? Marriage (IMO) is supposed to be the START of your commitment to one another...

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

Oh. be bold. Call it perfect. If it's perfect for you, then perfect is what it is. It's not a problem until somebody comes along and says "Hey! This works so well for Thalassa that everybody MUST do it." And if somebody with power and authority should try to impose what works for you on others, almost everybody ends up unhappy. I call my marriage perfect, you can call yours perfect, but if we were to lay them out, side by side, they may not even resemble each other in gross anatomy. And yet, both can be perfect.

Hopefully everybody in the universe knows by now that "right" is always dependent on the time, place, circumstances, and conditions - as far as I can tell, there are very few absolutes about right and wrong. If not, I hope they figure it soon - it would save so much grief...

[St. Jebus]

Re: Weddings and Handfastings

I think part of my problem with the original article is that if you are making the commitment before THE commitment, then whats the point of getting married in the first place, beyond the material benefits? Marriage (IMO) is supposed to be the START of your commitment to one another...

I don't know if I agree with this, thalassa. I would say that if the commitment isn't there before the marriage, it won't be there afterward.

My take is that marriage is more of a celebration of a union, and a formalizing of commitment that has already been made. Or rather, that's the ideal.

(Take me with a grain of salt, please. Still new.)

[koishikamyk]

handfasting

i am getting married in a few months and want to encorporate a handfasting ceremony into a slightly more traditional wedding. i have been trawling the internet for weeks looking for a few words to say when the cords are memoved but i really cant find anything, and i mean ANYTHING!!! i have been trying to write something myself but i cant get any further than this "Although the physical binding has been removed... .." which is nowhere really. Please can anyone help?