committed polyamory quandary

[Gwen]

Re: committed polyamory quandary

Thanks! And good luck with your situation... sounds challenging. But I'm glad things are on the up.

I find myself in the weird situation this week of kind of wanting to be living with Sita now (we're not moving in prolly til summer for a number of reasons). I seem to have gone from "we're not dating because poly isn't something that I can do" to "...ok, we're not OFFICIALLY engaged but." since November, when I first started seriously reconsidering our situation. I've always only dated someone while I think there's a possibility of a long-term relationship for us (and broken up when that stops)--until Sita became a possibility. Last year was an experiment in casual dating for me, and it was the only way I could start wrapping my head around poly. But now that serious/not-serious switch has been thrown in my head and I find myself wanting to be further in... We won't be yet, for a number of reasons including but not limited to her needing to get used to her first really serious relationship. Also I need to get used to her 50 hr/wk-plus-commute work schedule and its implications for the amount of time she spends with ANYONE, my husband and me or otherwise.

...I'm rambling, a bit. Anyway. It feels pretty weird to go from "omigod we're doing this!" to "can we be doing this more intensely yet?" and I realized I hadn't bopped over to check on things for a bit, so here I am, rambling and all.

[Dez]

Re: committed polyamory quandary

Good to hear an update!

I don't have advice from you're perspective, but I'd say just sit back and enjoy that awesome infatuation period...many people don't get to do that all over again, especially with a love that has already become sane, sensible and comfortable still thriving

[Madness]

Re: committed polyamory quandary

(My husband's bracing for the point when he has to do more housework than he likes because his 50% vote about what needs doing when, just became a 33% one.)

HAHAHA! Why does this make me laugh so much?!?! Seriously, I'm wiping tears from my eyes! I guess I just imagine my husband in a situation with two women just like me. Oh boy, he'd be in so much trouble!

I'm glad things are working out for you guys. Isn't it interesting getting over a social/sexual taboo ingrained from childhood? Sometimes it amazes me that people ever branch out from what their parents/relatives/neighbors did. Makes me wish for a world that was more open about possibilities so people could be comfortable with what was out there and make a choice based on personal preferences rather than cultural norms.

[Shahaku]

Re: committed polyamory quandary

My fiance and I have been considering something like this. We'd like to add another female to the mix, but I'm not bisexual so it would be for him. But I'm not at all jealous over the idea. We even have a girl that we're considering. My fiance met her online in a game he plays and they started dating "in game"--it's SecondLife if anyone knows what that is and people date and get married in the game. So far it's been kind of working. Sometime we have difficulty finding things to talk about, but otherwise we all seem to get along.

I love my fiance, but I also believe that people can love more than one person. It's kinda nice to get on here and see we aren't the only people out there looking at a different relationship style. I hope it works out for you, Gwen.

[Gwen]

Re: committed polyamory quandary

Thanks again y'all for support!

Madness, my boy is indeed in trouble when Sita actually moves in! I'm not looking forward to those renegotiations but I am SO looking forward to having a cleaner house. Also when we got married his priest warned us that we're 80% made up of our families of origin. I didn't believe him til I'd been married a couple of years and had many, many iterations of the "Oh! This bugs me so much because it relates to X thing my mom always did!" conversations. A common version has certainly been, "this is hard for me because my family taught me to expect Y and to be uncomfortable with Z." That one's come up even more around poly, as you might imagine!

Shahaku, good luck! I'm finding that now that I've made a commitment, people in similar situations are coming out of the woodwork in the most miraculous ways--old friends, classmates, friends-of-friends... it's encouraging. I hope that at least some of that happens for you too!

Aright folks who've tried this poly thing in some iteration or other: what the f*** do you do with that jealousy thing when it rears its ugly head? This weekend is gonna be the first since we got (back) together that I'll be away and they'll have lots of time together and quite probably some sex. This is a good thing! because they haven't had one-on-one time yet and we need to nurture all legs of our triangle--but I'm bracing for a host of my insecurities to come up, and trying to figure out for reals how I deal with sharing my husband when I'm not part of the interaction.