Step Parenting, How do I NOT f*ck it up?

[Chevalier]

So here's the deal.

Recently a wonderful woman has come into my life (I apologize for how Mills & Boone that sounds) We have a lot of common interests, etc, etc, that's not the point.

The point is that if I pursue her and this develops into the sort of relationship I want I will wind up being step father to her two children.

I had given up on the idea of becoming a father myself and was comfortable in that.
I have experience in being Uncle and love that experience.
I grew up with a less than ideal role model for a step father and know how important doing this right is because in my own life and in a lot of friends I've seen it done wrong.
The thought of doing it wrong scares the living hell out of me.

Most of the help sites I have looked at on the 'web mention "Christian Values" fairly early on in the piece. I'm (obviously) a bit lacking in certain area's of "Christian Values" so I thought I would ask here.

I apologize again for dodgy writing, but I need to get this written and posted before I change my mind.

Blessed Be & Yours in Service.

[thalassa]

Re: Step Parenting, How do I NOT f*ck it up?

I grew up with a less than ideal role model for a step father and know how important doing this right is because in my own life and in a lot of friends I've seen it done wrong.
The thought of doing it wrong scares the living hell out of me.

This is probably more beneficial than you think.

I've never been a step-parent...but I, too, have been a step-child (with two step-parents), one not-so-good and the other okay...and I have a very good friend that is in the process of divorce largely because of step-parenting issues (with a teen-ager) and here is what I've noticed (YMMV):

(disclaimer, I'm not saying *you* are planning to do any of this, despite my use of the word "you"...it just makes it easier than changing everything to third person)

1) You won't get any respect if you try to be their "friend", but you aren't their "parent" either, and (from my own experience) you shouldn't expect them to think of you as they would a parent--they might like you, and they surely should show you respect, but expecting them to think you are equal to their father is unrealistic.
2) Be on the same page as mom. Know ahead of time how she handles discipline, what is/is not acceptable behavior, etc. Nothing will breed resentment like imposing YOU on everything --not sure of the age of these kids, but they've had a system that has worked for X number of years, if you jump in off the bat and try to mess with it, you become the bad guy. If you think something is not working (because you *are* at least initially a third party observer) take it up with the mom (and the dad).
3) Unless he's totally not in the picture, or is a total douchebag, have a congenial and respectful relationship with their father in which you can discuss the kids and how problems and discipline and schooling. The MOM needs to do the same as well. Nothing spells out "kids getting away with murder" quite like the mom vs. dad game (and I say this as a master at that game).
4) Make sure that both mom and dad back up your role as step-dad and don't undermine your authority. If you say something (from do the dishes to you're grounded), they need to back you up (in front of the kids)...even if they don't totally agree with it (IMO, this goes for all parents). Discuss disagreements in discipline and expectations IN PRIVATE (this goes back to the united front idea). In our house, we have a saying "if you put them in time out, you take them out"--the person that hands out the punishment sees it through...changes in that punishment come from the parent that has given it as well.
5) DO NOT (whatever you may or may not agree with that I have written otherwise) get dragged into to playing Good Cop/Bad Cop...either with their dad or their mom.

I think there is something to be said for seeing your role as a sort of auxiliary parent. These aren't your kids. They are the responsibility of their mother and their father FIRST, and because you are an adult in the household with their mother, you are an authority figure there...but they aren't your responsibility in the same way that they are their parents. I'm probably explaining this badly, but think about your experience as an Uncle...as a grown up in their lives you deserve a certain amount of respect and you command a certain amount of authority...and when you have the helm, you are responsible for their immediate well-being and behavior...but in the scheme of things, they are ultimately the responsibility of their parents in terms of long term development, and your job is to help their mom, but not to try to *be* their dad. My experience with this comes from getting a step-parent in high school and watching my friend with his step-daughter who is now in high school having married her mother in junior high (he also has a step-son of 6, with whom there are FAR less problems). I think with younger kids this might not be so much of an issue, or it may resolve more quickly...but for older kids, there is bound to be some resentment, even if they actually like you--you are upsetting their established daily order of things.