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ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

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    ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

    There is much about the spiritual world I cannot even begin to understand.
    I don't know why I am writing this, if anything to just release some inner turmoil or find a kindred spirit among anyone who might read it.
    my heart and mind are still struggling to find the truth of my existence and tell right from wrong. should i believe this or that? should I do this or that? Is this wrong? is that right? what if I choose the wrong path?
    oh my goodness such a burden on my soul.
    my journey has been a chaotic one, raised as a christian in a strict set of rules and beliefs. which I still respect and fight with myself on whether or not its wrong or right.
    im not sure how my path as a "pagan" began or when honestly. I still have trouble saying that is what I am because in my heart I dont KNOW what I am. i just know i dont agree or follow any set path.
    for those of you who ARE sure. How is it so? what happened to you to let you know your path is your right path? How did you know what to do?
    perhaps I am just ranting. my mind has been arguing over so many points trying to find its footing that I am finding myself lost without a symbolic rock in which to hang onto. I just needed to get some weights off my heart I think.
    I no longer know who or what to pray to for guidance.
    I grew up with one god and when I got older I felt abandoned by the god. and yet I possibly feel the tug of another from subtle relations to that god in the last 5 years. yet I am so confused. How do you know what to do? I don't want to make a spirit creature angry by doing the wrong thing or following after the incorrect path.
    am I making any sense?
    my bodies spirit is confused and torn.

    #2
    Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

    Sometimes we're set down one heck of a winding path, that brings us through a cacophony of experiences good and bad, only to bring us 2 steps away from where we started. It's not the destination that matters in life, it's the journey that got you there.

    Personally if you feel a pull go check it out, will it hurt? Maybe. But life is not without hurt, some of our best experiences of life are a result of personal pain and tragedy.

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      #3
      Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

      Originally posted by PoisonTears View Post
      should i believe this or that? should I do this or that? Is this wrong? is that right? what if I choose the wrong path?
      I think most people exploring paganism go through this at some point or another. There's a lot of information out there, a lot of contradictory beliefs and practices, tons of different traditions and individual views. It can be overwhelming. You can spend forever just reading about all the different ways people practice... you just have to jump in at some point. Start looking at practices and ideas that interest you. Think on them, experiment with them, see if they work for you. As you read about different practices is there anything that jumps out at you? Go with it. See where it takes you. Even if you're not interested in any specific tradition, you can still start working out the elements of your own beliefs. (Not limited to paganism, either... see something somewhere else that speaks to you? Check it out.)

      You will make mistakes, you will go down the "wrong" path now and then... but, so what? Making a mistake won't be the end of the world. After all, even taking a wrong turn now and then can give you some new knowledge to work with, even if it's just knowing what doesn't work for you.
      Last edited by Gardenia; 02 Jan 2012, 14:00.
      Hearth and Hedge

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        #4
        Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

        Honestly, my religion compliments my worldview and my approach to the Divine. That's how I knew. Don't be afraid to wander around until you figure out what you believe because it sounds like you still aren't fully sure what it is you believe. Once you figure that out the rest will fall in place.
        my etsy store
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        "...leave me curled up in my ball,
        surrounded by plush, downy things,
        ill prepared, but willing,
        to descend."

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          #5
          Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

          I'm definetly still not sure what I beleive. there is so much out there its hard to sort through it all and decide what i can accept as truth or practice. There are things that draw me for sure, but sometimes I wonder if I am just all over the map! For example: I feel drawn to Thor for several reasons, AND before I knew what it meant I felt compelled to drawn valknuts one evening while pondering religion. only later did I realize it was also a norse symbol. I am also drawn to shamanisn and animals guides. I am drawn to dogs and wolves more so then I am to other humans. I feel a massive void in my soul not being ablew to own one where I live (i gre up with them). I am also a little drawn to astrology, I am a cancer and also a dragon (and its the year of the dragon!). I am drawn to nature, I love to be outside in the sun, in the fresh air, in the elements.
          so many diffrent things, what is the connection?
          and yet...being raised so strongly as a christian I have an inherant fear that I am making a mistake by pulling away from it even though I never really fit into that mold. I feel as if I am betraying the gos that cared for me as a child and still cares for my family.
          its a confusing place to be.
          and even more so with so many "apocolyptic" messages for this year or these "times". what if I make the wrong decsion and time runes out? its scary and is leaving me rather lost.
          I might be rambling agian but I need to get it all off my chest to like minded people.

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            #6
            Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

            I was raised Christian as well and even though I walked away from the religion about fifteen years ago, I still have that Christian Panic at times: What am I doing? What if I'm wrong?

            But, for the most part, I believe the path I'm on is right for me. I believe the experiences I've had. I believe my Guardians are really here to guide me. I asked them once, "what if I'm making this all up, and you're only in my head?". The response I got (from the one with a sense of humor) was: "Even if we are only in your head, we're still doing good for you, aren't we?"
            Army of Darkness: Guardians of the Chat

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              #7
              Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

              Knowing isn't what's really important. It's asking questions, going on a quest. The journey (iMHO) matters more than the destination. As for knowing ourselves, as a wise man once told me, There is the self that others know. The self that we know. And the self that the gods know.

              Please don't worry too much. And good luck!
              www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


              Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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                #8
                Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                Originally posted by PoisonTears View Post
                so many diffrent things, what is the connection?
                They all seem like elements that could be pulled into an eclectic, yet perfectly workable practice to me. There's nothing really contradictory or strongly at odds there. (You mention Norse religion and shamanism - from what I understand, there are shamanic elements and practices in parts of Norse religion, so it might be a place to start looking.)

                and even more so with so many "apocolyptic" messages for this year or these "times". what if I make the wrong decsion and time runes out? its scary and is leaving me rather lost.
                People have been going on about how the apocalypse is right around the corner for thousands of years now, I wouldn't worry about that. However, maybe it would help to think of it this way... would it be any worse to pick the "wrong" path, than to not walk at all because of your fear? At least with the first, you tried. I know it's easier said than done, trust me I do know, but don't let your fear hold you back.
                Last edited by Gardenia; 02 Jan 2012, 15:54.
                Hearth and Hedge

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                  #9
                  Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                  Originally posted by Tylluan Penry View Post
                  Knowing isn't what's really important. It's asking questions, going on a quest. The journey (iMHO) matters more than the destination. As for knowing ourselves, as a wise man once told me, There is the self that others know. The self that we know. And the self that the gods know.

                  Please don't worry too much. And good luck!
                  I couldn't agree more. Wisdom is not about what you know, it is about accepting how much you don't know. I THOUGHT I had all the answers when I had been pagan 2 or 3 years, but I came to it very young, at just 13, and was immature even for my age, and very naive. I was your typical 3 book expert.

                  Now I am 29, still immature, a little less naive, more experienced and have far, far more questions than answers. I'm not worried though. It's exciting, because there is a new adventure laid out ahead of me, just as there is for you!
                  夕方に急なにわか雨は「夕立」と呼ばれるなら、なぜ朝ににわか雨は「朝立ち」と呼ばれないの? ^^If a sudden rain shower in the evening is referred to as an 'evening stand', then why isn't a shower in the morning called 'morning stand'?

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                    #10
                    Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                    For myself,though I follow a pagan path,I really don't think is this right,is this wrong.
                    I concider everything something like a wheel of chance,you pick your number,and hope for the best.
                    If you are wrong in your choice,that is just your fate. For myself being a Pagan just feels right for me. The here and now is all we really have
                    tomorrow may be our last. I live one day at a time.
                    MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

                    all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
                    NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
                    don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




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                      #11
                      Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                      PoisonTears, it's perfectly ok to change and grow as a person. Your ethics, morals, and values will shift as some things become more important to you, and other things less important. Spirituality is no different - and with your personal spirituality (or lack thereof) it doesn't really matter if your religious views are changing or evolving. If something is right for you, you'll know it - and when you've outgrown something, you'll know that, too.

                      Who I was at 16 is not who I was at 25, and who I was at 25 is not who I am now - and it's probably my spirituality that's changed the most.
                      The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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                        #12
                        Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                        It's very hard to know what you believe in when you are swimming in the beliefs of your upbringing and surroundings. For me, I took apart every belief I had and asked myself where did the belief come from? Did I have proof of that belief or was it opinionated doctrine wrapped in the word fact? After many years of stripping myself down, I built myself back up carefully cultivating what I actually believed in based on my own personal criteria and experience. I'm still doing it as the situations come forth. It is indeed the journey. You will never be completely yourself until you are done.
                        Satan is my spirit animal

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                          #13
                          Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                          I'm really glad for this thread. I've been content to follow the ways that I've had for awhile (somewhere between Catholic and pagan). Then I asked my guides to really TALK to me...and it shocked me how much I don't know. I made a petition ritual to the sea (where I felt drawn): Still no assurance, though I think Someone definitely noticed. I also feel up the river without an oar, but I'm beginning to believe that doubt may in fact be a gift. From what I know, there are guides and information and ritual, yet it is still your own feet (mind, heart, soul) that must make the journey.

                          I found a quote that helped me, and that might help you too PoisonTears:

                          "More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin." -Unknown

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                            #14
                            Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                            For me it was and is the same at some points. I was raised in a christian household in belief. We didn't go to church until after my parents found out that I did not believe the way they did. My mom, Isis bless her soul, accepted it to some extent making jokes with me and asking for spells in her nonchalant way during a conversation. My father however to this day despises my religion, and tells me whenever it is brought up that my kids will burn in hell for me teaching them false doctrine.

                            I cant speak for everyone here but for me it was an evolution into my current beliefs. When I was a young teen I asked my parents if I could visit other churches and explore religion until I found something correct for myself. I read everything I could get a hold of, from the New Testament to the Torah, my Islamic friends taught me of Mohammed, my Catholic friends taught me of the Saints, and so forth. One day in the mall I happened to pick up a "New Age" book and it opened my eyes for the first time in my life. I saw a few things that made more since to me than anything else I had ever been taught. I have looked back on what I was before I found the Craft and I can say with certainty that my choice was for the better.

                            The more I studied and learned the more I understood. I began to see things in a different light, in a completely different view. No longer did I look up at the night sky and see stars as lights from countless other solar systems, I saw the handiwork of the Lady. No longer did I look at the cows and chickens we had as just food or a food source, I saw the Lord in their spirits. As I got older I started experimenting with minor spells and some basic circle casting. This is when my parents found out about my religious choice. They were all for me studying and learning, or being anything I wanted to be, besides Pagan.

                            My father told me to pray and ask God for forgiveness because "Witchcraft is a sin against God, and he will punish you. This is in the bible son.". But when I prayed to God he didn't answer me someone else did. My Matron Goddess is Isis the Queen of Heaven. She ASKED me what I wanted. She didn't tell me to do this or that, or to go kill a cat and string it up and worship some comically demonic creature with horns and a pitchfork. I had been searching for peace and a little bit of tranquility for a long time and I had finally found it. My daily devotions ask for strength and guidance and for the protection of my family as well as my blessings for whatever is needed.

                            I have looked back twice in the last 15 years. Once when my mother passed, and once when I was in a dark place. Neither time did I get a response from the Christian God. Never did I feel like someone was helping me shoulder a burden. Never did a prayer get answered. I understand your feelings of abandonment from God. Since the dark period of my life has ended I have not looked back. I still wonder about some things but then I look to what I have and how I have gotten here, and I realize I am blessed. Countless times over, I have a loving wife and three beautiful children. None of which did I pray for or work a spell for.

                            It took me eight years of practicing before I knew I was on my own path, and I am still learning and realizing new things. But our journey's are far from over and that is what truly matters that you ask the questions that you are asking now. I wish you the best of luck finding your path and offer any help you need in sorting out what you would like to know of feel you need to know to make your choice easier. I hope my story has helped you or at least shown you some direction.

                            Blessed Be on your Journey, and may Isis watch over you.

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                              #15
                              Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

                              First off I just want to say thank you to everyone who has really opened up and also offered kind words. its such a confusing place to be and i will say that at least here I feel that my thoughts and doubts are accepted and understood, not abashed, insulted, and argued. maybe thats something in itself. maybe this IS where I belong. I don't really doubt it, i havent for a LONG time even before i started along this path. but I cant deny the little nagging stress in the back of my mind. being diffrent is So hard, being brave is so hard, all of these things I've needed to even THINK of the things I have in the last year.Thank you all for listening me and accepting me for who I am. not what I am wanted to be.

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