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    Marriage advise please!!!

    Hello everyone, just to introduce myself briefly my name is lysa and I am a 23 year old practicing pagan. I have just recently entered a new relationship in july and I couldn't have been happier. My new boyfriend is very accepting of my beliefs, though his family is not. The idea of marriage was brought up because i performed a handfasting for my best friend and he told me if we where ever to get married he would have to have a catholic wedding to appease his mother. At first I agreed to convert simply to get married if the time ever came about, though I made it very clear i would not raise my prospective children as catholics - that's where I drew the line. All was said and done and the topic was agreed upon and moved past. Recently i have come to find that when getting married in a catholic church you must agree to raising your children as so. When I brought this to his attention he was already aware of this fact just failed to mention it. As we continue to have this discussion it seems to be his fear that his mother and family would disown him if he were to agree to a comprimise even in the slightest. I fear if I continue this relationship that I will be forced to hide who I am, what I believe in, and deliberately lie to my children, myself, and his mother. Given the way I feel for him thus far it is a sticky situation and perhaps im jumping ahead of myself- I just need to be sure. Any thoughts are much appreciated and needed! Thanks everyone. Blessing and love to you this day and every day.

    #2
    Re: Marriage advise please!!!

    First of I was in a Similar situation. One you do not have to be Catholic to have a Catholic Wedding, the procedure is called Con-Validation. It is when you are married legally, and then a Priest will Bless you Marriage in a small ceremony. When I was married my wife and I sought con-validation for she was not a Catholic.

    Also what may put your mind at ease is that you will sign a form that says, you are not Catholic, and not bound by the Religious Constraints of the Church however it does say they do hope that his Faith will inspire you to find your own Catholic Faith. Have you Fiance speak to his Parish Pastor.

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      #3
      Re: Marriage advise please!!!

      Thanks that really does help a lot. I have brought up the idea of having a simple spiritual wedding not based on any specific belief and raising our children to simply have an open mind- though he still fears if it is not a 100% catholic wedding and ever that it will break his mothers heart. He has already lied to her once saying I was catholic when we first met- without my permission of course.

      - - - Updated - - -

      Thanks that really does help a lot. I have brought up the idea of having a simple spiritual wedding not based on any specific belief and raising our children to simply have an open mind- though he still fears if it is not a 100% catholic wedding and ever that it will break his mothers heart. He has already lied to her once saying I was catholic when we first met- without my permission of course.

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        #4
        Re: Marriage advise please!!!

        Welcome to the forum Lysa

        Congrats on your new relationship, imo its a bit early to worry about marriage and kids have fun and enjoy each others company. Ive had a fair few relationships that I hoped would last forever but theres no forever ime just enjoy what you have while you have it I say! Lifes for living dont let worries that might never be an issue ruin it

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          #5
          Re: Marriage advise please!!!

          Originally posted by JamesByrne View Post
          Welcome to the forum Lysa

          Congrats on your new relationship, imo its a bit early to worry about marriage and kids have fun and enjoy each others company. Ive had a fair few relationships that I hoped would last forever but theres no forever ime just enjoy what you have while you have it I say! Lifes for living dont let worries that might never be an issue ruin it

          Seconded. Two months into a new relationship and the absolute last thing I would be thinking about is marriage and kids.

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            #6
            Re: Marriage advise please!!!

            If the relationship be true,then to truth and understanding it must follow. If indeed his Mother has that much control,you "Might" want to consider if you can deal with a Mother in Law that has that much control over your intended.
            MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

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              #7
              Re: Marriage advise please!!!

              Originally posted by anunitu View Post
              If the relationship be true,then to truth and understanding it must follow. If indeed his Mother has that much control,you "Might" want to consider if you can deal with a Mother in Law that has that much control over your intended.
              I second this. When you marry someone, unless they are an orphan with a limited social circle - you marry their family. I've been living with my husband's mother for about 20 years, and honey, it ain't easy. Unfortunately, I didn't really get to know my husband's family until about 3 years into our relationship. I thought he was exaggerating about how controlling and spiteful and petty his mother is, but no, he was being truthful. I was pretty much an orphan (with a splintered family - and we all stay as far away from one another as possible), so I had no clue as to how embedded people are in their families. And my husband and I didn't even have a religious marriage, or a religious conflict - I'm Pagan, he's a borderline atheist, and his parents are fairly non-religious themselves. We're also child-free-by-choice, so that was one less hangup to have to deal with.

              If you've got plans for a nice wedding & having kids, remember that those kids are also going to be his mother's grandkids. People lose their minds and self-control when exposed to their own grandkids for some reason.
              The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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                #8
                Re: Marriage advise please!!!

                Although it IS early to be thinking about marriage, as others have pointed out, there are a few warning bells whirring away already. And although I wouldn't make religious belief my first stumbling block, it's clear that if the MIL is going to be that controlling, then you need to take a long hard look at what you're getting into.

                Because someone who is that controlling - and who gets her own way, over say, where you get married - is going to want to control just about everything else, too. Because that's what control-freaks do.

                Make a point of getting to know your boyfriend's family early on, and observe the dynamics. Will he stand up for you enough - or at all?

                But do get a sense of balance. As James has said - enjoy yourself and each other's company. It may be that things don't work out between you, in which case there's not going to be any wedding. Or it may be that your love gives your intended the backbone he never knew he had.

                There IS forever, in my experience. But you DO have to work hard at it. Best of luck!
                www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


                Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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                  #9
                  Re: Marriage advise please!!!

                  I did absolutely miss the Two Month portion of your above post so that does make things a bit different, but I won't be one to Judge love that's for sure. Do you mind me asking you around what Age are you, you don't have to be specific just in round about what age.

                  I met my wife when I was Eighteen Years Old and we were engaged to be Wed soon after living together. This was a first strike against my Parents, where for nearly six months I heard nor saw them at all love is love and both my parents and my wife understood where my heart was, they came around. At 21 we were officially married in a small ceremony at her parents house, non-religious so my grandparents did not attend. About six months after that I had been trying to re-kindle my Catholic faith, and as a part of that I wanted to have my Marriage Con-Validated so I could again receive the Eucharist, and be in the best standings with my Grandparents. I brought this up with My wife and she graciously agreed. However, we got decently far into the process when I stumbled onto my path, and decided it was not necessary. My whole point being, I'll never forget my wife's kindness with me and willingness to do something of which she had no interest.

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                    #10
                    Re: Marriage advise please!!!

                    A huge thank youbto all of youbit is much appreciated! I do understand that it is a bit early in the relationship to be thinking about marriage and kids, but we have known eachother for almost our whole lives. He has 8 brothers and sisters and they all follow the mothers religious veiws. I know that religion shouldn't be the base line for any decision but there are a select few things I know I cant live with and lying about who I am is one of them to his family or anyone else. He wont stand up to his mother I know that for a fact. Still trying to figure this all out, though your advise has truly helpes. Thank s you guys you're the best! Love and blessings to you all this day and everyday!

                    - - - Updated - - -

                    A huge thank youbto all of youbit is much appreciated! I do understand that it is a bit early in the relationship to be thinking about marriage and kids, but we have known eachother for almost our whole lives. He has 8 brothers and sisters and they all follow the mothers religious veiws. I know that religion shouldn't be the base line for any decision but there are a select few things I know I cant live with and lying about who I am is one of them to his family or anyone else. He wont stand up to his mother I know that for a fact. Still trying to figure this all out, though your advise has truly helpes. Thank s you guys you're the best! Love and blessings to you all this day and everyday!

                    - - - Updated - - -

                    A huge thank youbto all of youbit is much appreciated! I do understand that it is a bit early in the relationship to be thinking about marriage and kids, but we have known eachother for almost our whole lives. He has 8 brothers and sisters and they all follow the mothers religious veiws. I know that religion shouldn't be the base line for any decision but there are a select few things I know I cant live with and lying about who I am is one of them to his family or anyone else. He wont stand up to his mother I know that for a fact. Still trying to figure this all out, though your advise has truly helpes. Thank s you guys you're the best! Love and blessings to you all this day and everyday!

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                      #11
                      Re: Marriage advise please!!!

                      Originally posted by callmeclemens View Post
                      I did absolutely miss the Two Month portion of your above post so that does make things a bit different, but I won't be one to Judge love that's for sure. Do you mind me asking you around what Age are you, you don't have to be specific just in round about what age.

                      I met my wife when I was Eighteen Years Old and we were engaged to be Wed soon after living together. This was a first strike against my Parents, where for nearly six months I heard nor saw them at all love is love and both my parents and my wife understood where my heart was, they came around. At 21 we were officially married in a small ceremony at her parents house, non-religious so my grandparents did not attend. About six months after that I had been trying to re-kindle my Catholic faith, and as a part of that I wanted to have my Marriage Con-Validated so I could again receive the Eucharist, and be in the best standings with my Grandparents. I brought this up with My wife and she graciously agreed. However, we got decently far into the process when I stumbled onto my path, and decided it was not necessary. My whole point being, I'll never forget my wife's kindness with me and willingness to do something of which she had no interest.
                      Thanks for great advise. Really worked.

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