Dating Etiquette

[DanieMarie]

I thought I'd make a thread about this, because it can be fairly confusing, and I'm sure lots of people have questions about what's appropriate or fair in certain situations.

I'll start, though I want to be clear that I think this should be a place where anyone can discuss questions they might have as well

Ok, so, my ex broke up with me over a month ago, and a couple of weeks ago I started dating again. It's been pretty intense. I went back into online dating, and put up a picture (which I was originally reluctant to do, because I've found it overwhelming in the past). I got quite a few dates. In one week, I went out with 5 guys. I didn't feel any chemistry with any of them at all, though I had a nice time....that is, until guy #5 last night. Definite chemistry and he seems super nice. I'm going out with him again on Sunday. Anyway, my question is, I don't -really- want to keep seeing any of the other guys, but a couple of them clearly want to see me again. I don't really know what to tell them. At the same time, I probably would give them a second shot if I hadn't met chemistry guy....and also I don't really necessarily want to be exclusive with chemistry guy right off and I want to take it slow. I don't really know what to do. Should I let the other guys down nicely? Should I give them a second shot? Gahhh I don't know. I probably shouldn't, since I don't really feel into them.

Also, what would you do if a guy bought you dinner (and insisted on it), but you don't really want to go out with him again. In Germany it's more normal to split the bill, and I kind of get the feeling that if a guy pays, he sort of expects something, whether that be a second date or more. Gah I really wish I put my foot down and paid my own way! Two of the guys I'm not -too- concerned about because they're English speakers from big cities, and it's more normal for guys to pay (assuming they invited you out in the first place)....or at least it is in Canada (am I wrong in thinking it's the same in the US and UK?)

[Maria de Luna]

Re: Dating Etiquette

Also, what would you do if a guy bought you dinner (and insisted on it), but you don't really want to go out with him again. In Germany it's more normal to split the bill, and I kind of get the feeling that if a guy pays, he sort of expects something, whether that be a second date or more. Gah I really wish I put my foot down and paid my own way! Two of the guys I'm not -too- concerned about because they're English speakers from big cities, and it's more normal for guys to pay (assuming they invited you out in the first place)....or at least it is in Canada (am I wrong in thinking it's the same in the US and UK?)

I wasn't allowed to pay for dinner on dates until the relationship got on a bit. I suppose some guys feel like if they pay they are owed something, but if that's all they want they are a slimeball anyway. I don't thinnk a girl should expect to have her dinner paid for, but to offer to do something nice only because you think you will get a "reward" is kind of a sleaze bag thing to do, IMO.

In one week, I went out with 5 guys. I didn't feel any chemistry with any of them at all, though I had a nice time....that is, until guy #5 last night. Definite chemistry and he seems super nice. I'm going out with him again on Sunday. Anyway, my question is, I don't -really- want to keep seeing any of the other guys, but a couple of them clearly want to see me again. I don't really know what to tell them. At the same time, I probably would give them a second shot if I hadn't met chemistry guy....and also I don't really necessarily want to be exclusive with chemistry guy right off and I want to take it slow. I don't really know what to do. Should I let the other guys down nicely? Should I give them a second shot? Gahhh I don't know. I probably shouldn't, since I don't really feel into them.

You've got it absolutely right. If you aren't interrested, don't lead them on, or give false hope, or I guess waste their time, (not trying to come off as mean, I swear.) It's online dating, you have to meet someone before you know if there is going to be any face to face chemistry, and I think most peole using an online dating site get that. So you don't want to shut out all prospective boys eigther. I think that is sort of self explanitory, keep your online profile updated, and don't cut off applicants (is that the best word to use?) before you've made a more educated decision; i.e. a few dates with guy #5, a few bad dates with other guys, an amazing first date with someone else, etc. If I'm not mistaken you have done the online dating thing before, right? You are a sensible girl, use the sense I know you have and you will probably be fine.

Just keep being your sweet, personable self, (I know I don't know you very well but this is the impression I get reading your posts!) and I know you will be able to make yourself happy, and maybe even find a gentleman to help ya do that! Crappy people happen, but there is someone out there just waiting to meet you, and try to make you feel special, its ok to keep looking till you find someone who makes you feel special, and awesome and all that mushy crap, (if thats what you are looking for )

Just as an aside, I did meet my husband via online dating, so I know that there are decent men out there, and you already may have met a halfway decent one.

- - - Updated - - -

I suppose I should add that as an American, European and German costoms and etiquittes are way out of my expertise, so maybe I shouldn't have left such a long post... and here I am making it longer!

[JamesByrne]

Re: Dating Etiquette

I
You've got it absolutely right. If you aren't interrested, don't lead them on, or give false hope

This is imo the way to go. Men are used to rejection we go around discos as kids asking girls to dance til we find oe that says yes.By the time we re men were so used to it were immune. You can probly expect some persistence bit its cos out usually pays off, don't worry about being too mean. All thatll do is attract the closet submisives
I've worked with a fair few germans and theyere the same as us irish types generally

Tho I would say 5 guys buying you stuff inaweek. I'd keep that to yourself it is excessive itd make you look eithe stingy out like your just loooking for people to buy you stuff. 5 dates in a week btw! Whats that pic like!

[DanieMarie]

Re: Dating Etiquette

I really didn't want to have them pay. Like really. I'm more comfortable with splitting the bill. I'm fiercely independent that way and I don't like someone "taking care of me". That's NOT what I'm looking for. It wasn't 5 though. The last guy split the bill with me. We're more in the same place in life though (ie neither of us has a lot of money). It can be really hard to split though when someone is absolutely insisting on paying. And one time I didn't put too much of a fight, because (and I hate this, believe me), the guy had suggested a restaurant I didn't know, and it ended up being really expensive. It was a kind of meal I couldn't afford. I didn't really know how to get out of the awkward situation. And I don't know the neighbourhood well, but going there I got the feeling that everything around us was equally as expensive, if not more so :/

I swear on my life I'm NOT stingy! I'm very broke, but I only go out to places I can afford (I should have suggested a place in the case I listed above...that's what I've been doing the rest of the time). I don't expect anyone to ever pick up a tab for me, and I'm kind of uncomfortable with it when they do. I don't like to owe anyone anything.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Dating Etiquette

Ok I told the guy I wasn't really into the truth...I'm kind of proud of myself. I feel bad, but actually less bad than if I'd dragged it on. He only met me once, and now he can focus on meeting someone else. He seemed disappointed but not hurt, so I guess it was fair of me. I should be less afraid to say 'no'....

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Dating Etiquette

I find it much better to end things right away if it doesn't seem right. Glad you did that! I guess I will be getting back out there myself soon. Ugh.