So frustrated!!!

[Minion]

Last night at supper my 5 year old step-son Mikey asks me why I don't go to church. Before I could respond, my fiance tells him that it's because I don't believe in Jesus. Then he says to Mikey, "That's not good, is it?" And Mikey says no. Then Mikey looks at me and goes, "Jesus IS real!" like I was stupid.
I told my fiance that he shouldn't have told him that it wasn't good to not believe in Jesus. My fiance brushed it off saying, "Well it's NOT good. I'm not saying it's bad, but it's not good."

Well today Mikey has done nothing but ask me why I don't believe in Jesus and stuff like that. He was trying to do something and was doing it wrong, so I tried to correct him. He blew me off saying, "You don't know anything. You don't even think Jesus is real. He IS real!!!" and ran off. Since my fiance told him that, Mikey has treated me like I'm stupid and not someone to listen to because of that.

Now Mikey and my fiance are gone to church and my 3 year old daughter Johanna and I are here at home.

I'm very frustrated.

[volcaniclastic]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Keep in mind that my advice is generally notoriously awful, but it sounds like you and your fiancee need to sit down and have a very real chat. Do you really want to marry someone who talks down to you to their children? He should respect your religious choices, just as you respect his.

And by the way, Jesus was likely real. But that whole son of God thing? Pffft.

[Minion]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Keep in mind that my advice is generally notoriously awful, but it sounds like you and your fiancee need to sit down and have a very real chat. Do you really want to marry someone who talks down to you to their children? He should respect your religious choices, just as you respect his.

And by the way, Jesus was likely real. But that whole son of God thing? Pffft.

Oh I believe Jesus was a man, but I don't believe he was the son of God.


I tried to talk to SO, but he's all it's my belief and I believe Christianity is the right way, etc. This is the first time he's ever said anything like this to the kids. When we moved in, he promised to try to be tolerant and accepting.

[volcaniclastic]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Oh I believe Jesus was a man, but I don't believe he was the son of God.


I tried to talk to SO, but he's all it's my belief and I believe Christianity is the right way, etc. This is the first time he's ever said anything like this to the kids. When we moved in, he promised to try to be tolerant and accepting.

And that's fine, but your belief is different from him, and neither right nor wrong. What is wrong though, is that he's belittling you to his (and your) children. It'll teach them bad habits, because if daddy can tell mommy what to do, so can they.

I dunno. This would seriously bother me. If he's not willing to be at least supportive, yeah. I don't know.

You're not stupid for not believing in Jesus. Have you tried talking to the child to explain that different people believe in different things?

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Have you tried talking to the child to explain that different people believe in different things?

I think that would be a good place to go from here. Even if he can't seem to man up and respect your religious differences right now, you can at least try to instill tolerance into your child. It's really a shame that he's acting this way Downright immature, if ya ask me.

[Aeran]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Your fiance was kind of a dick, I'd say sit down with him and try talk through the issue of how you're going to talk to the kids about religion before dragging them any further into it. He doesn't sound very accepting of your spirituality.

[dragonfyre00x]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Oh, how childish! I feel your frustration, that was just a dreadful thing to do.
If you're considering marrying this man then it sounds like you two really need to work out some (obviously) unresolved issues.
All that aside though, I'm very sorry you were treated in such a way. That's really unacceptable.

[Dez]

Re: So frustrated!!!

He just undermined you in front of the kids you're raising together. Have you told him about the fallout that happened because of his careless words?

If he gives this boy tacit permission to disrespect you because of your faith, what will it be like when this kid is 12? 17?

[Maria de Luna]

Re: So frustrated!!!

Oh I believe Jesus was a man, but I don't believe he was the son of God.


I tried to talk to SO, but he's all it's my belief and I believe Christianity is the right way, etc. This is the first time he's ever said anything like this to the kids. When we moved in, he promised to try to be tolerant and accepting.

He may have made a promise, but he does not appear to be keeping it. Don't wait to have a talk with him, after he becomes your husband, would be a bad time to realise that this is how things are going to be... Kids have a difficult enough time with step-parents, even if they don't realise it. When this child gets older things could become much worse, and the behavior of this child could influence the other. Do not let this get worse, some type of compromise or explanation needs to be made. Belittling you in front of children is bad, and while mild, still abusive, be mindful of behavior like this. Sorry just little things from my very limited experience.

[thalassa]

Re: So frustrated!!!

As the child of an alcoholic, a step-kid, a person that once dated an evangelical Christian, someone that has been married for almost 9 years, and a mom with kids the same age as your step-son, I'm going to offer my opinion, which may or may not be a fair assessment of the situation. So take it for what its worth...

This has nothing to do with his religion, and it has nothing to do with how much you might love each other. It has everything to do with him as a partner and as a father, and his ability to be a good partner and a father. My neighbor, who is a progressive Christian, is in a similar scenario right now, with her fiance, who is an atheist...and they have an infant daughter, and she has a little girl from another relationship.

1) Parents should never undermine each other in front of the children, regardless of the topic. If they disagree about how to raise their children, they need to do it in private (other disagreements, if they are civil, are okay, because it teaches them how to disagree with respect, and that it is a normal part of two people in a relationship). Particularly at that age, and particularly with step-children, parents need to present a united front, period. Otherwise the children learn to belittle and manipulate (and, to my chagrin, I was a master at this game as a child).

2) If a partner can't respect your religious beliefs, even in disagreement, they can't respect you. You can fundamentally disagree with someone's beliefs, you can even criticize their beliefs and debate their merits in civil discussion, but as soon as you belittle their beliefs...you belittle them as a person. You can't have a successful relationship with a person that doesn't respect you--in the long run, it will ruin your respect for yourself, and it will lead to resentment between both of you for one another. And you never ever ever do that in front of a child...unless you have absolutely no respect for that person anyhow. Not to mention that its a horrible example for kids.

3) If both people in the relationship can't abide by this, they shouldn't be parenting together, period. Its just not good for the children, and its not good for the person that is trying to play fair. In the long term, the relationship will be a failure--either it will end in an unpleasant divorce or is will continue, unhealthily, as a bad example for the kids until the person trying to play fair gives in.

4) A kid that age needs to be taught to be a good person, not a good Whatever Religion. If this is what he's like now, he's going to be a jerk as a teenager...and there's a good chance he's going to be an asshole as an adult, unless something works to change his tune in life. And a father that lets his child act like this to another adult (and indeed encouraged it), particularly one he is in a relationship with and has a child with, needs to rethink his parenting techniques. If this is how he is raising his son, what does this say about your child together's religious upbringing?

If you guys are going to work it out, you need to talk it out, and he needs to rethink how he is going to have this discussion with his children. Otherwise, you are going to spend your relationship continuously in this position every time the subject of religion comes up, and eventually it will make its way into other segments of your life. And both kids, particularly your own child, are going to learn that mom/step-mom (and by association, women in a relationship as a whole) aren't worthy of being treated with dignity and respect.

If this is the first time this has happened, you need to stand up for yourself and nip it in the bud now. If it continues or is a pattern of behavior or part of a bigger problem of disrespect, IMO: you need to GTFO, and if you aren't in a position to GTFO, you need to do whatever you can to get to that point. Whatever the heck you do, don't stick around waiting for him to change...more than likely, it won't happen. If it does, while you are apart, you can try again on your own terms.

[ChainLightning]

Re: So frustrated!!!

I have to agree with Thalassa.


As someone that had pushed the limits of... critiquing and debating the merits, basis and finer details of beliefs, opinions and other personal abstracts, with my now ex-wife, I have to say that he might not be aware of how far he's crossed the boundaries of respect and planted himself, squarely, into abuse, really. Talk to him, stand up for YOU. And for your kids.

This is, seriously, not something that can be set aside or ignored. If his intentions were honorable, he made a huge blunder. If his intentions were to be dominating and self-righteous, he succeeded. The former can be handled, together, as equals. The latter? That can only be handled by you, protecting yourself and your kids' future.

[anunitu]

Re: So frustrated!!!

I would say,take a few steps back and consider that if he is acting this way now,how will it be in the future. Perhaps you can work it out,but I think this is just how the abuse begins. Not saying it can't work,but maybe ask him if this is how he will be or worse in the future. Mixed religion in marriage is hard no matter the religious belief,but this to me seems a gulf to wide to find common ground.

[Minion]

Re: So frustrated!!!

You guys have given me very good advice. I left him for a little while before, for a similar reason. He wasn't puttin me down for my beliefs, but he was putting me down and stepping on me all the time and didn't seem to care. So I left. A little while later his sister called me saying that he has done nothing but cry and asking her how to get me back and how he made a mistake, etc. Then he texted me saying he was so sorry and realized he was being a dick. Then he showed up at my house with a dozen roses, crying, saying he was so sorry. I let him back after we had a long discussion about what was acceptable and what was not. Up until now he's been good, but he said what he said in the OP, and since then he talks to me and to the kids about me like I'm one of his kids or something. It really hurts. I told him that last night. He said he didn't mean it badly, but he didn't apologize.

[MaskedOne]

Re: So frustrated!!!

IE, he's badly screwing up his second chance?

I'm all for people's ability to change for the better. However, I'm not for exposing oneself to extreme hardship in the hope that someone else will change for the better. If he's demeaning your position in front of the kids and can't figure out (preferably without you drawing a road map for him) just how not cool that is then dump his ass and don't take him back when he comes crying to you a week or two from now. He may eventually grow up, he may not. You have no obligation to subject yourself to BS that will almost certainly get worse waiting for that to happen.

Note: I don't do romance and I'm not happy with the overall course of the day so a second opinion might be worthwhile since I'm almost equally happy with this



option and silly people in uniform get cranky when private citizen start pulling that trick.

[thalassa]

Re: So frustrated!!!

I will also say that if you have absolutely any thought to the "sticking with it for the kids" sort of thing...please don't. There is no virtue in teaching your child to stay in a relationship where she isn't respected, or to show a little boy that it is acceptable to not respect his partner. And, at the end of the day, its more stressful for a child to live with two unhappy people than to only live with one parent.

I'm not saying that you have to leave him, just that staying with someone for kids is never a good idea.