Is monogamy natural?

[Dahlia]

Hello everybody, I'm new here and this is my first post. Thought I'd jump right in with a biggie.

First off, I am 38, married 16 years, one child. In the past ten years the idea has been forming in me, that I might not want to keep myself only unto one man anymore. At first I felt really guilty and tried to suppress it, now I think I agree with a philosophy of having an enduring deep and meaningful connection with a life partner, while also accepting and enjoying fullfilling the yearnings one feels toward others. I have had pagan leanings in the past, and part of that for me includes freedom of heart, and gladly seeing who I will, within reason, and with sensibility and consideration to others. (I was not a two timer). I had three lovers and many flirtations when I was single. My husband is horrified by the idea of sharing me with anyone else, and I have not fully told him about my feelings, though he knows I'm attracted to celebrities and to other men, and just not doing anything about it. He knows something is upsetting me, but I'm not talking about it. How could I?! I am trying to ease into fuller understanding gradually. He knows I feel like I'm loosing my sex appeal, withering, I worry about aging, and that I get depressed, cry, and feel shut away from the world and very alone sometimes, but he doesn't understand why. He thinks he alone should be enough for me, like I am for him, yet at the same time he constantly feels like he's not good eough for me. And I feel like I'm dying inside.

We went three months without sex last fall, because it was getting so very unfullfilling and boring, the last time was icky and repellant to me. I got very upset and didn't want to do it any more. Sometimes I feel like a whore doing it with him, like he's not who I want to be doing it with, which confuses me because I love him, and we are very close friends. We have a deep bond. But the notion of having only him as my sexual partner for the rest of my life scares me. I have very intense attractions to other men when they come along, which get more and more tempting.

I have spiced up our marital love life lately which is helping, and I wait to see if it will be fullfilling enough to take my desires off men who are off limits. I still feel like I am too good a thing not to share myself with others though! And I fear leaving it too late, and spending the rest of my life regretting. Like my chances are slipping away. It's been ten years already that I've wanted this! Am I a hero or a looser for resisting?

So I thought I'd ask here amongst pagans, what do you think of monogamy, open marriage, and the nature of our human desires?

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

So I thought I'd ask here amongst pagans, what do you think of monogamy, open marriage, and the nature of our human desires?

I like monogamy, so does my wife. We've been married for 30 years, and still have a sex life that would make most people jealous.

However, what works for us may not work for others. The other arrangements seem to work fine for some people. If you are one of them, then what you do is your business.

I feel sorry for your hubby, though. Smoke some dope (legal in two states, and decriminalized in many other places) and get real into it (this advice comes from the Kama Sutra, by the way...).


P.S. - non-monogamy is kind of popular around here. I feel left out.

[SPhoenix]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

This is a complex issue, and you sound (honestly) very confused. I'm not saying that to be cruel, in point of fact, to the contrary. I want to point out your confusion so that you can step up to it and recognize it.

If he's not enough for you; and clearly he isn't--then you must acknowledge that for yourself. Then you have to face the truth of that.

Whether monogamy is natural or not isn't the question. The issue is whether or not your marriage is working. It isn't.

This issue is there in your marriage, and he feels not good enough because subtly or directly, you've told him that he isn't enough. You can try to keep that secret, but you can't really do so. Not when you live with someone. It will be there in your marriage; whether directly or as the proverbial elephant.

What I see happening is that you want him, and you want everything else, too. But he has made it clear that such an eventuality is impossible. You must accept that this is his truth. He won't share. Natural or otherwise, that's his truth. You're his, or you're not his. He's yours, or he's not yours. It's together or it's apart.

All that's left for you is to face that and make a choice. Then you choose how you'll live with that choice. Your mind is yours, it belongs to you, but it's frequently left to its own devices (mine, too, so this is no accusation against you, it's a commentary on human nature). Your answer is to make and commit to your choice, and then control your thinking around that choice. At the end of the day, our basic happiness comes from what we think. First comes your thinking, then your feelings follow your thoughts.

Whether or not someone else could manage an open marriage isn't the issue. Whether or not you, and your spouse, could do so is what is at issue. No one else can make his choice. We could all say, "Oh yeah, open marriage is natural", but what would that do for you?

Happiness comes from your own mind and your own thought processes. When you get depressed and sad, begin a practice of meditating on the happiest moments of your life. Turn your thoughts firmly onto a path of positive memory reliving. Do it again and again. Your status as a person who is aging or a person who wants multiple partners or anything else in your life can be independent of your happiness... but you have to do the hard work of making it so.

I think that you already know perfectly well the truth of your marriage. If you want an open marriage, it won't be that one, quite likely. Whether natural or not, this is the marriage you're in, and this is the marriage you must deal with, or leave.

May you find your path in light.

[SPhoenix]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Sorry, I would edit my last post, but unfortunately, my comments are still being moderated (well, the long, involved one was moderated, apparently this one wasn't, lol. Please stand by for the original, long post so that this one will make more sense). I just wanted to add, for the record, that my observations and experiences have led me to believe that promiscuity is psychologically unhealthy. However, I did not take that into consideration in my post because I think that your marriage is the larger issue that you must address.

[volcaniclastic]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I'm polygamous.

In argument to what SPhoenix said, I think promiscuity is healthy under the right circumstances. We are creatures who have culturally evolved to believe that we should have one partner, one soulmate, but I disagree with this. Some people fit quite well into a monogamous lifestyle. Every man I've ever dated has been one of those people. I've only ever dated one person who made me want to be monogamous, and it was only a six month relationship. We weren't compatible, and I'm not able to stay true to just one person.

I know your husband is deeply against it, but I think a lot of people feel that sleeping with other people means you'll love them less. Nobody ever seems to grasp that it's possible to love more than one person, and that it is an okay thing to do.

I wouldn't tell you to throw away your 16 year marriage, but you need to tell your husband your true feelings. He will be angry, and there isn't any way around that, unfortunately. You need to let him know that you still love him, the same as before, but that this is something you need to progress as a person. He won't likely agree, and then you will have to decide which is more important to you, but you will need to tell him all the same. A HUGE part of polyamoury is trust and honesty. I've been with my partner for a year and a half, and last summer, I slept with someone else. He knew my polygamous tendencies when we first met, and I was honest with him. When I told him I slept with someone else, we had a huge fight, he nearly left me, and it's the angriest I've ever seen him. Then, once he calmed down, he got over it, and we're still together. It's not easy for him - his first girlfriend cheated on him with one of his friends, and it really hurt him. He'd rather I be monogamous, but at the same time, he'd rather I be myself. Maybe one day he'll leave me over it, but if that's the case, we were never meant to be, either. But the point I am trying to make is that I have never once used sleeping with someone else as a threat, I've never spoken about it to him condescendingly, I do not compare him to other men, or other women, and I don't tell details unless he asks. What I do, however, is speak about it calmly and rationally, ask for his opinion on the matter when the topic comes up, and if I develop feelings for someone else, I tell him before any intimacy happens. I also reassure him on a constant basis that my love for him has never changed because of how I feel for others. Also, if it ever gets too much, he has the option to tell me to stop. And I've promised I would try. But he hasn't asked that, yet.

I'm sure this is a horse I have beaten to death over the years, but 'love as thou wilt'. One of my main tenets is that I will never allow someone to stop me from loving, no more than I will allow someone to stop me from breathing. They are one and the same. Not all love needs sex, and not all sex needs love, but I am rather emotionally stoic, and sex is one of the ways I show love.

[Malflick]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I know this is the most stereotypical answer of all time-- But if the two of you haven't already, consider seeing a councilor about your marriage and sex life. It might not help, but it might.

You're on an odd predicament because you and your husband's needs aren't being met right now. He wants to be the only one you want, and you aren't being satisfied. Something has to give or be fixed...

Monogamy is right for me, but I know it isn't for everyone. However, it doesn't sound like polygamy is for your husband... That being said I hope you can find a way to satisfy each other's needs happily.

[Clive]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I don't believe monogamy is "natural" as in "humans are supposed to be monogamous and everything else is wrong." Monogamy is rare in nature, and we are not ducks or penguins. We are primates, and primates are well-known for being slutty.

That said, I think it boils down to personal preference. If someone enjoys monogamy, great. If they don't, that's also great. I believe that as long as everyone involved is in the same boat, an open relationship or a relationship that involves more than two people can be very healthy. In my experience, most of my relationships have been open and it usually worked well. In the few monogamous relationships I've had, I had no problem adapting, although if I'm honest with myself, I probably couldn't have gone on like that forever.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I think it works great for some people and not at all for others. Monogamy feels great and natural to me, but I know it's not for everyone.

[callmeclemens]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I'm probably one of the happiest Monogamist you'll ever meet, but I've known that since the first time I ever liked a girl ever. With that being said your situation does mirror something I have gone through, but not quiet. My wife had told me in the past that while she loved me more than ever, that she would go through phases where she would have no desire to have sex with me whatsoever, that regular sex with the same Man after five years wasn't exactly what a young woman always wants. She didn't want to sleep with someone else, she didn't want to be with someone else, she just didn't always want me, and I had to be okay with that, I wanted to be okay with that. I knew I was, and am exactly where I want to be in my life with her, so it was okay. I was happy she was open with me, though sometimes I'm not great at conveying my emotion.

First I think you need to ask (because you didn't say) whether or not you've tired of your Husband on more than just a sexual level, maybe that's the problem. So often in life when we are not content or open we wind up putting ourselves in situations where that becoming far more damaging then they would have been had you been truly open in the first place. If this is really what will set you free, then sometimes you have to be a bit selfish ( I use that word with the utmost respect). Otherwise you could both end up resenting each other which is never good.

[Willow]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I will say only one thing here, I think everyone else has already summed up everything that's crossed my mind so far (and then some).

Whatever you do, don't be deceitful about it. If it turns out in the long run that you were dishonest about the things you were saying or doing before you reveal(ed) anything to him, and he (or anyone else aware of the situation) finds out about any dishonesty or manipulation, you could do more damage than you intend. Both to others and to yourself.

I hope it all works out for the best for you.

[Yazichestvo]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Both monogamy and polyamory are products of human nature. We're just complicated like that.

If you occasionally feel a strong attraction to someone else, I would say that's normal. That alone isn't so bad, as long as your significant other can satisfy you. I feel attracted to other women all the time, but remaining monogomous is not a great concession on my part, because I am happy. So the real problem is probably the lack of attraction to your husband, not the fact that you are attracted to others. Is this lack of attraction simply physical, or do you think there are emotional issues contributing to it? Just my two cents.
'

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Well, it sounds like a bit of a complicated situation. As Yazichestvo said, the problem isn't so much that you are attracted to other people (just about anyone in a relationship feels attracted to other people now and then- that's unavoidable), the problem seems to be more that you are not very attracted to your husband. Is it possible that the love you feel for him has become more about friendship than romance and sexuality? Friendship love is great, but a good relationship requires more than that. Ask yourself, "am I interested in dating other people, or am I just losing interest in being in a relationship with my husband?" Of course, every relationship has its lulls, so maybe this is just a stage that will pass.
I wish you luck, hope everything works out for the best
And yes, polygamy is perfectly natural, as is monogamy. Different situations work for different people.

[Aeran]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Honestly, it sounds to me like your issue is less that of monogamy in general not being right for you, and more specifically about your husband not fulfilling your needs in one sense or another, combined with your fear of aging, I'd say you should sit down with your husband and maybe a marriage counselor and have a long, hard, honest talk about your relationship.

I don't have any experience with polyamory or open relationships personally, but I have friends who've gone down that road, and every time it ended horribly. In those cases, it was rather one-sided, with one partner who wasn't getting what they wanted out of the relationship but didn't want to end it, so they convinced the partner into letting them get it somewhere else. Partner is reluctant, but doesn't want to lose them, so they pretend to be ok with it, but their unhappiness and the bigger issue in general festers until it all blows up and you end up with a nasty breakup. Every time I watched it happen, I couldn't help but thinking that the whole mess could have been avoided if they'd just been up front about what they wanted from eachother and what they wanted the relationship to be.

I think the first step would be to be completely open about how you feel, to be up front about the fact that you're not satisfied in the relationship and feel the desire to see other people. If he doesn't understand that, how can you possibly hope to have any meaningful dialogue about where to take the relationship from there. Be blunt about what you want that you aren't getting, you might find that if he adjusts himself in some manner you can start enjoying things again, and if that doesn't work, then maybe you can sit down and consider opening things up. Just don't dive right into it without trying other things first, that's what people always seem to do, and then it crashes and burns.

[Dahlia]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Thank you very much folks. It's nice to get your opinions and advice. We have been trying to spice things up. I am getting into costumes, movie sex scenes and wine, different locations and positions, and got him some Viagra, which has all helped. Last time though, I wore an ensemble I had planned for weeks and when finally wearing it, I found it hard to get turned on and let go, and couldn't find satisfaction. He did, and was delighted with my outfit, but I was distracted I guess, and not drunk enough maybe. I don't want to have to get drunk every time, though I am enjoying drinking again after 20 years of sobriety. I used to drink a lot as a teen, so I am a bit concerned I feel the need to now, for sex, and am being careful with the booze.

I am not very attracted to him any more sad to say. I find some of his features repellant now, and I think my needs have changed since we met. He isn't fulfilling my needs in other ways too. He's antisocial and I feel isolated and frustrated by that. I don't think his shyness is cute any more. Now it's embarassing. Now I want a bold, confident, capeable, friendly man, and one who can earn a living. One who can take the lead! Dance with me, metaphorically dip me! I'm tired of wearing the proverbial pants.

I have tried to tell him about wanting to see other men. I found a good psychology article and had him read it, but the passage about lusting after others frightened him and I stepped back and aquiessed, took it down a notch from desiring men I know and wanting to have an affair, to just desiring movie stars. Movie stars doesn't frighten him, and more than anything else I am frightened of him being mad at me, and of destroying his fragile emotional stability. It is the one thing I am terrified to tell him.

I am sharing much more with him now though, about what turns me on, and this is helping, if not to make the sex good, then to show him more about my truth and what incongruencies we may have. He didn't even know that an element of danger is good for me. I thought that was pretty basic knowledge.

I want to be darn sure before I tell him I want to see other people, because it will crush him, and he may leave me, and if he didn't, I would feel like one cruel woman telling him that and keeping him around still. I feel cruel already for letting him feel inadequate rather than letting him go, like I am to blame for his low self esteem. I guess I am in a way, but also not. It IS complicated.

We each have virtually nothing other than each other. I have my parents, and the cat, and a tenuous new womanfriend-ship. He is away from his home country and family. He would go home I'm sure, and enter a huge depression. I don't even know how I'd feel on my own. I rely on him so much. I'm so used to him. We've been together since I was 22. It's hard to imagine life without him. We're really connected, yet at the same time I just want away from him sometimes and this upsets him badly. He even lost it once and freaked out in tears and closed the bedroom door on me. I find those times really stressful and hard to take. I can't take too many of those. He's going away for a while soon on a solo trip, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how I feel. This is one thing we decided upon together, a real accomplishment.

Thank you again everybody. All good, thoughtful advice, which I will give serious thought. And I'm glad meet you.

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I have to admit (and yes, I probably sound very boring) that I've always been monogamous. And in every relationship I've had (and no, there haven't been many), we've both always expected it to be that way. Personally I couldn't imagine it any other way, but I appreciate that everyone is different.

That said, I think the biggest problem is when one person wants an exclusive relationship and the other person doesn't. So in any relationship it's important to be completely honest with your partner(s) and especially with yourself, exactly what you want.