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    Death of Pets

    I know in many households, the death of a pet is a very serious and tragic event. In December, I lost a wonderful cat, who was truly my soul mate of pets, and though it wasn't super recent, I still think of him often. He died suddenly at only four years old from lung cancer. We had no idea he was sick. Having had this saddening experience last year, today's events have brought back a flood of memories. As such, I need the advice I'm hoping to get from you guys as well tonight.
    This evening, my boyfriend returned back to his house after being away to discover that his pet snake of 10 years had passed away, and I know he is much more upset than he's letting on (and he's letting on a lot of upset). The snake was a connection to someone he considered to be a father figure, who has long since exited his life. It's almost like he's losing multiple beings that are important to him at once, I think.
    What are good ways, for my boyfriend as well as myself, to recover from losing an animal so dear to us? How can we move on with our lives while still keeping them in our hearts? I'm sure you all will have just the advice I need.

    #2
    Re: Death of Pets

    Go get another pet. Nothing heals you as quick as having a new little ball of fur to take care of. Doesn't mean you suddenly stop loving your lost pet. It just redirects your energy to another one who needs you too.

    And I don't know what to tell you about the snake. Sorry. They are so not cuddly so I'm kinda out of my element there. I don't have animals that don't have a soul.

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      #3
      Re: Death of Pets

      Sorry for your loss. I'll say something meaningful tomorrow when I'm awake, but I just wanted to acknowledge your thread, as I feel it's important.
      sigpic
      Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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        #4
        Re: Death of Pets

        doing something together to remember the animal, and what you like about it, can be very therapeutic. I might be painful, but having a organized way to go through the memories, good and bad, can really help with the emotions. If you have pictures, going through them together, for instance.

        Its the same reason people hold memorial services, in order to let go of the past, we have to remember it, and it was a good past, celebrate it, before we can truly move on.

        I'm terribly sorry for your loss, to both of you. Take care.
        hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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          #5
          Re: Death of Pets

          Thank you so much. I've suggested to him that when the surprise isn't so raw we have a little ceremony for his snake. He seems to think that it is a good idea.

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            #6
            Re: Death of Pets

            Originally posted by Poshi View Post
            Thank you so much. I've suggested to him that when the surprise isn't so raw we have a little ceremony for his snake. He seems to think that it is a good idea.
            That sounds like a grand idea, and should help both of you. Good luck.
            hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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              #7
              Re: Death of Pets

              How big is the snake? What about getting a taxidermist to make him a belt or a wallet or something so he'll always have a reminder of his pet?

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                #8
                Re: Death of Pets

                It's different for everyone - we all mourn in our own ways. Whatever feels right will come to you. When a pet of 19 years died, the first thing someone said was "Will you get another one" and I was angered at that - there is no "other one". If someone has a baby die of SIDS I can't imagine people's first response being to tell them to have another one, at least not until a proper time for grieving has passed.

                This is all based on the degree of "family" you feel with your pet. Again, do what feels proper for you. Maybe you'll end up with different species, or one will find you!
                sigpic
                Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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                  #9
                  Re: Death of Pets

                  Originally posted by Hawkfeathers View Post
                  It's different for everyone - we all mourn in our own ways. Whatever feels right will come to you. When a pet of 19 years died, the first thing someone said was "Will you get another one" and I was angered at that - there is no "other one". If someone has a baby die of SIDS I can't imagine people's first response being to tell them to have another one, at least not until a proper time for grieving has passed.

                  This is all based on the degree of "family" you feel with your pet. Again, do what feels proper for you. Maybe you'll end up with different species, or one will find you!
                  Thank you very much. I really appreciate your response. I know in my family pets are a very big deal, and we see them as being part of our family entirely and they are respected as such. It always amazes me how some people treat their pets as if they're unworthy of having a good, fulfilling life.

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                    #10
                    Re: Death of Pets

                    I'll be honest, I lost a dog in October and it's only been in the last couple months that I've really been able to let go and not get all teary eyed every time I think about him. One of the few ceremonies I've really done in the past several years was all about letting go, letting him move on, relishing the memories and then letting it all go. But don't be afraid to give yourself plenty of time to grieve. And keep a momento. A favorite toy, or something from the tank. You might not want to see it all the time, but when you need that little connection you'll have it.

                    It does help to have another animal as well. We had two when the one passed away, and it really helped that our home wasn't completely empty, that there was still a greeter at the door. But don't just go out and pick up the first puppy you find or whatever, give yourself plenty of time to recover and think about what you want in your next pet, and try to have two. It's always good to have two, because they never live as long as we would like them to.
                    We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

                    I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
                    It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
                    Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
                    -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

                    Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

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                      #11
                      Re: Death of Pets

                      Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member, no matter how long or short a time they were with you, or what species they were.

                      I see a lot of grief over the death of pets at work, and we are known as a clinic who deals with the death of pets particularly well. That comes from out attitude that they are family and that their loss is felt as keenly as any family member (more so than some non-immediate family members). It's heart rending to be a part of that, and to experience it for yourself. I recently had the experience that the ashes of our pet bird who died a few years ago were stolen when our house was broken into. It was like losing him all over again.

                      The most important thing is to know and to be told that it's okay to grieve for a pet. The grief we feel for them is valid and valuable. Sometimes we need to be told this more when the pet was not a dog or a cat. There is no such thing as 'it was just a snake' or 'just a bird' or 'just a stupid frog'. Dogs and cats are so much a part of society that being attached to them is somehow more valid to society than being attached to a reptile, bird, fish or other exotic pet. But we feel their loss just as keenly as we would a dog or cat, even if they lived in a vivarium and weren't actively cuddled or didn't actively show affection.

                      Let grief happen, don't hurry it along and don't have the attitude that you have to get on with your lives. That infers that you shouldn't be allowed to grief. You can continue life and grieve at the same time... they're note mutually exclusive. You don't have to stop grieving in order to move forward. Grieving isn't necessarily holding on to the past, or keeping yourself in the past, but lots of people feel that way for some reason. Grief takes years sometimes... and that's okay. Long term debilitating grief can be damaging - but most people don't experience grief in this way and modern society's tendency to rush through grief is actually doing more to create debilitating grief than anything else.

                      If grief is debilitating, then talking to a grief counselor can be important and there are grief counselors who specialise in the death of pets. Talking to a grief counselor is not a bad thing, it doesn't mean that you are ill or broken or somehow inferior. It just means that you are brave enough to accept a bit of help when you can't do it by yourself. Some of us can work through it on our own, some can't.

                      Grief happens different ways in different people. Some people don't want a big fuss to be made over it. Some people need to talk it out. Some people need to keen (modern society doesn't like keening, but I see it sometimes still). Some people just need to quietly work through it on their own. Don't force it either way. If they don't want to talk about it, don't make them. Just be there, be understanding, empathetic, compassionate and ready to act when they are ready to. Offer a shoulder but don't force it. Be sensitive to the signals that they are giving and act by THEIR preferences, not what you want or would want in that situation.

                      Being the spouse is tricky on it's own. It's really hard when two people are grieving for the same pet, but experience grief in different ways, because they are less likely to be able to support each other. And sometimes sharing your spouses' grief can actually be counterproductive... if they are grieving for their own loss, and it dredges up feelings of your own past losses, then it puts you in a place where you are actually taking away from their grief rather than supporting them. You are devaluing theirs by focusing on your own. It's a slippery slope to be standing on, to be the spouse of someone who is grieving. Shared grief is different... when it's the same pet that both of you were equally attached to... but when he is grieving for his snake and you are grieving for your cat, that is tricky. My husband and I shared grief over our bird Pardy, but when my cat died earlier this year (who stayed with my parents when we moved into our own place) he supported me and my family in a different way. Sometimes the spouse feels their own sadness and empathy, but needs to fulfill the support role by not making themselves a part of it. If you can't fill the support role, then you need to find someone who can, rather than end up making things harder. It's tricky, because sometimes sharing a story about your own grief can help, but sometimes it makes the person feel that you are not allowing them their own grief.

                      Lastly, getting another pet is not always the solution. This is an intensely personal thing and the worst thing that a person can do is gift the bereaved with a new pet if that is not what the bereaved is ready for. I've seen this happen far too many times. Some people need a new pet, some people don't. Some people need time to work through their grief first and will do it when they are ready. Some never will. Some get a new pet of a different species, some get the same species and name it the same name. Let it happen in it's own time and don't force it, though you can broach the subject and talk about it.

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                        #12
                        Re: Death of Pets

                        May I say that a lot of grieving pet owners light a candle once a week or so.

                        Its supposed to turn their souls attention to you because they can find the light, then you can talk to them and share your thoughts. Its a really effective way of grieving.

                        - - - Updated - - -

                        (In my opinion)
                        Last edited by Doc_Holliday; 14 Jul 2013, 20:06.
                        White and Red 'till I'm cold and dead.
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                        From Britain's shore
                        Wolfe the dauntless hero came
                        And planted firm Britannia's flag
                        On Canada's fair domain.
                        Here may it wave,
                        Our boast, our pride
                        And joined in love together,
                        The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,
                        The Maple Leaf Forever.

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                          #13
                          Re: Death of Pets

                          That's an awesome idea, Doc.

                          We lost a dog last August. She had been sick with a rare disease for a long time (it would flare up, then go into remission over and over), and when we finally decided that enough was enough, it was a bittersweet relief. She wasn't going to recover that last time, so there wasn't much else to do. The doctor came to the house for the euthanasia, and she passed on her own bed with the family around her. There was really no better way for her to go, so I try not to feel bad about it. We have her ashes, her name tag, and a picture of her by our hearth.

                          Losing an animal just sucks. There's not a whole lot that sucks more than that, really. But time heals, and now you have an opening for another animal that needs you.

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                            #14
                            Re: Death of Pets

                            Originally posted by Darrel
                            My dog died in March this year. To be honest I am still grieving. Every day is a struggle because he was my best friend. He was such a kind, caring and funny dog to be around. He was the light of my life! But then he died suddenly..
                            I miss him so much :'( I think about him every single night and day, without fail.
                            He has been dead for a while now. When you lose a pet, is it normal to grieve for a long period of time? Did this happen to you?
                            Thanks.
                            A certain amount of grief is normal after a long period of time. But if it's crippling grief then we may need some help from a grief counselor. Grief is hard... especially when they were such a big part of our lives. And sometimes the unexpected deaths can lead to more difficulties grieving because we don't have time to process it, or don't understand what happened, or get stuck in the 'it's not fair' stage, or can't get closure. That makes the whole process taken longer, especially if you don't have supportive people around you to help you through it.

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                              #15
                              Re: Death of Pets

                              Sorry for your loss and may the happy memories outweigh the sorrow you both feel. I have around 20 pets at any given time and they are all family to me. When one passes over I can be 'out for the count' for a month or more and not very easy to communicate with. What I found has helped me a lot is to have the animal cremated (or a burial) where you can honor and talk to them as often as you wish. I have all of my pets in urns around my sitting room. I know it sounds creepy but the urns are really pretty and no visitors have ever noticed them as what they are. I also have a little keepsake urn on a necklace where I put a hair or scale or bit of feather inside to wear when I feel I need them close. When my new member status upgrades I will post some links and pictures to beautiful keepsake pendent urns specifically for pets.
                              My posts are generally sent from my cell fone. Please excuse my brevity, and spelling/grammar errors.

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