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Thread: Pagan Humor

  1. #11
    Supporter Raphaeline's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    Forgive me if these aren't perfect, I'm recalling them from memory:


    A little girl had a box of kittens sitting in her front yard, with a sign that said "Free To A Good Home" and a preacher walked by and saw them.
    "Would you like a kitty?" she asked him.
    He replied, "I'm afraid I don't have the time to take care of one. But thank you!"
    "Are you sure?" she said. "They're Christian kittens!"
    The preacher thought this was adorable, and when he happened to pass by again a week later and see the same girl with her box of kittens in her yard, he said, "Hello again! How are you and your Christian kittens doing?"
    "Oh, they aren't Christian kittens anymore," she told him. "Their eyes are open now."




    Three friends from service in different faiths decided they would go fishing. The preacher, the rabbi and the high priestess brought their tackle boxes along and got in their boat before pushing off.
    "Oh, no," said the Rabbi, "I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole!" He stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked on the water back to the shore, returning with his fishing pole.
    "Oops!" said the high priestess. "I forgot the bait on shore. I'll be right back." She then stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked on the water back to the shore, returning with the bait.
    The preacher watched all of this with his eyes wide in shock. "If they can do it," he said, "surely I can do it, too!" So he stood up, stepped out of the boat and promptly sunk beneath the surface.
    The rabbi had a good laugh. "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"
    The high priestess turned to him and asked, "What stones?"

  2. #12
    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.


    Fifty Sure-Fire Ways to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Pagan

    How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?

    1. Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!
    2. You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
    3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.
    4. A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.
    5. Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!
    6. The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.
    7. Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.
    8. Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!
    9. Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!
    10. S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!
    11. S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.
    12. When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.
    13. Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...
    14. Keeps the local candle shop solvent.
    15. Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.
    16. S/he's always smiling peacefully!
    17. Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!
    18. Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.
    19. Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.
    20. Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".
    21. Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!
    22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.
    23. Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.
    24. Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...
    25. You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?
    26. You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
    27. S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...
    28. You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...
    29. Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.
    30. Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.
    31. Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.
    32. Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.
    33. Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.
    34. Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.
    35. You catch him/her hugging a tree.
    36. Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.
    37. Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.
    38. The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.
    39. Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.
    40. To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.
    41. You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.
    42. You've never known him/her to go to a physician.
    43. When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.
    44. Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.
    45. You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.
    46. S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!
    47. When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.
    48. There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.
    49. Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".
    50. Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!


    Score:
    1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
    11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
    21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
    31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
    41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




  3. #13

    Re: Pagan Humor

    ^ i only got 11, i feel dirty and new age-ish
    But mummy the other religions dont have to 'an it harm none'

  4. #14
    Sr. Member PharaohKatt's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

    Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
    A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
    A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian?
    A: Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

    Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
    A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

    Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
    A: Wicker

  5. #15
    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    My tribute to OnMyWay ...

    * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    * Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    * Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

    * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




  6. #16
    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    Nine Daring Asatru Tune: Ten little Indians (1868)


    Nine Daring Asatru were calling Odin´s migth;
    the stormwind blew them all away, and then there were just eight.

    Eight Daring Asatru conjured the Volva´s ken,
    the Volva took one back to Hel, and then there were just se'en.

    Seven Daring Asatru invited Loki´s tricks,
    one heathen laughed himself to death, and then there were just six.

    Six Daring Asatru did blot a goat alive;
    the godhi struck and missed the blow, and then there were just five.

    Five Daring Asatru were shouting loud for Thor;
    a lightning flash struck down at once, and then there were just four.

    Four Daring Asatru were going for a spree;
    the sacrificial bog was cool, and then there were just three.

    Three Daring Asatru drank home-made mead and brew;
    all Midgard spun and Asgard reeled, and then there were just two.

    Two Daring Asatru of Frey were making fun,
    Frey did not find that funny, no, and then there was just one.

    One Daring Asatru, he did not stay alone:
    he spread the word and founded soon a kindred of his own.

    © 2009 Michaela Macha

    - This poem is in the Common Domain and may be freely distributed
    provided it remains unchanged, including copyright notice and this License -
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




  7. #17
    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    ~ By Courtesy of Others ~



    [size=12pt]If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand! [/size]

    (Sing this while standing in a circle with at least a dozen drunken heathens,
    clapping your hands/ stomping your feet etc. where appropriate.
    Let me know of any new stanzas which emerge from that inspired state ;-) !)



    If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!
    If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!
    If you too believe in Odin and are not afraid to show it,
    If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!


    If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!
    If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!
    If you raise your beer to Asgard, and you are a rotten bastard,
    If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!


    If you see the vikings coming, run away (uh- uh!)
    If you see the vikings coming, run away!
    If you see they come to pillage, coming closer to your village
    If you see the vikings coming, run away!



    Anonymous, augmented by Ingmar Lauer, Frigga Asraaf and Michaela Macha


    - This poem is in the Common Domain and may be freely distributed
    provided it remains unchanged, including copyright notice and this License -
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




  8. #18
    Sr. Member calfhill's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    Fricking brilliant!!!
    Sleep, my friend, and you will see
    That dream is my reality

  9. #19
    Member ceragonstarfire's Avatar
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    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

  10. #20
    Bronze Member magusphredde's Avatar
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    Re: Pagan Humor

    Not Pagan related but what the heck ...

    A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Cairo and asked to be taken to the Airport.

    On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

    Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

    "Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

    Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

    The taxi driver was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Fiat, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

    "Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

    The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $ 250."

    "$ 250? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

    "Taxi meter. Made in Egypt. Very fast."
    I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."




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