Pagan Humor

[thalassa]

so...I rediscovered my myspace (or as they call it now, my_____________)...I don't think I've checked that thing in at least a year...but I was perusing thru my old blog there, and rediscovered this:



A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents:
-- by Ld Obyron Irondrake, 8/18/99



Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please
don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A
student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I
feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the
classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing
down the moon." I told her that her Art Class is in an hour and to
please refrain from doing any drawing until then.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she
insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people
dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her
twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the
Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting
outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a
circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she
wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over
to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop,
pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of
me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the
Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was
"opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and
Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her
hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an
"athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just
yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking
my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I
finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of
the class that the last time I
shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I
explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a
coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the
children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia
brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a
sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We
were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you
would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and
stated it was "Do As you will, but Harm None" and she will not stop
saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct
her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger
at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a
parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss
these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed
an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing
from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

[Celest]

^ lol ......

[Caelia]

This:

http://elisem.livejournal.com/1191707.html

[magusphredde]

When cleaning house you have to specify:

"Where is the broom?
No, not THE broom,
Where is the one to clean the floor with ?

Friends know they can always
give you candles and incense as a gift

You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday

When watching old re-runs of Bewitched,
you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora ...

You Know When's

When the whole family thinks your weird
But your the first person they call on to Bless their new house

When your playing cards with a friend
and the cards tell you more than what they are holding in their hand

When the whole family thinks your weird
but have you read the cards/runes for them every chance they get

Whenever some one falls ill
your the one they call .... before they call the doctor

Anything weird happens and
and you feel like a sub branch of ghost busters ...who ya gonna call ?

You know you're a witch when...
you forget to ground yourself,
and the light bulbs start popping,
and your computer goes crazy when you get near it, :-).

Q--What do you call a club for unattached Witches?
A--Craft singles

Top 10 Reasons Why Athames Are Black
Renae Ransdorf

10.So they'll go with any color of robe.
9.So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8.It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
7.It doesn't show dirt.
6.Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark
is a test of loyalty to your faith.
4.It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
3.Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3.Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2.No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!

And the #1 reason athames are black....

So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!

History Of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root

---------- Post added at 01:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:57 AM ----------

How to get the cops to show up when ya want em..
Another strange but true

Blake George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George
said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes... three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them !"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available !"

[ladywhitewolf]

This was posted on one of the other forums I joined. Not meant to offend anyone. I thought it was amusing.

What Would Your Deity Do?

WWAD? Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be ripped to shreds by his own barking
hounds.
WWAD? Athena- Stare him down, then beat the crap out of him — in a most logical
manner.
WWAD? Apollo- Test their musical skills — in a fair contest.
WWAD? Aphrodite- Don't you mean "who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? Astarte- Make love AND war.
WWBD? Bacchus- Get them drunk, then turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? Britannia- Rule!
WWBD? Buddha- Does it matter? If you're enlightened, it doesn't. If you're not
enlightened, it still doesn't.
WWCD? Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? Cerridwen- Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? Chaos- No one is quite sure, but it will be messy and . . . interesting.
WWCD? Cthulhu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWCD? Cthulhu- Devour them ALL . . .
WWDD? Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by
10PM — and don't even THINK about laying a hand on her!
WWDD? Discordia- Throw some fruit, start a war, and sew the seeds of chaos — all while
munching on a hotdog bun and setting up shop in your pituitary.
WWED? Erishkigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWFD? Flora- Say it with flowers.
WWFD? Fortuna- Play the lottery, I’ll bet.
WWGD? Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they walk upon.
WWGD? Ganesha- Saddle up his rat.
WWHD? Hades- Tell them to go to hell.
WWHD? Hecate- Show them the right path — or is it the left?
WWHD? Hera- She'd get jealous.
WWHD? Hercules- He'd labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? Herne- Lead them on a wild hunt!
WWJD? Janus- Look the other way.
WWJD? Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? Kali- Tear out their beating hearts, drink their blood and dance on their
twitching corpses — then wear parts of them as jewelry.
WWKYD? Kwan-Yin- Have mercy.
WWLD? Loki- Turn left at the next corner, buy 5 chickens, "borrow" some jewelry,
change into a seal and steal some apples, for starters.
WWLD? Luna- Moon them, of course.
WWMD? Mithras- Cut the bull.
WWMD? Mars- Suit up for battle.
WWMD? Mercury- Change his mind . . . again.
WWND? Narcissus- Huh? Is someone else here?
WWPD? Priapus- Rise to the occasion.
WWSD? Sekhmet- Drown her sorrows in blood.
WWSD? Set- You don't wanna know, but it won't be nice.
WWSD? Shiva- Dance the night away.
WWTD? Thor- Hammer out a solution.
WWVD? Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? Vulcan- Live long and prosper.
WWYD? Yahweh- Send his son to do the dirty work, while he sits on his cloud
thundering the aeons away.
WWZD? Zeus- By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!

[Taiga Pagan]

[Taiga Pagan]

It's moving time!

Don't Call Us, We'll Come for You!

[Dez]

It's been a while since we had this one wander around the board...time to take it for another spin

1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)

2. Grand Old Wo/Man:
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?

Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...

Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

7. Corporate Closet Witch:
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

8. Childe Of Kaos:
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.

Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

9. Pagan Celebrity:
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.

Distinguishing Signs:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.

10. Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.

Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

12. Ravin' Pagan:
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

Distinguishing Signs:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.

13. Faerie Queen:
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...

Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!

14. High Episcopagan:
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.

15. Fundamentapagan:
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.

Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

[Dez]

Pt.2

16. Dances With Bunny Rabbits:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

Distinguishing Signs:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.

17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

Distinguishing Signs:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

Distinguishing Signs:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".

19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

Distinguishing Signs:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.

20. Het-Case:
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

Distinguishing Signs:
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)

21. Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.

Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

22. Pentacles, Inc:
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

23. Monster Truck Pagan:
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.

Distinguishing Signs:
Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos.
... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

[thalassa]

this is cute