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    What do you guys think?

    So I wasn't really sure where to put this post. Under debates maybe? Rants? idk. But anyhow. So I've been talking to a girl I've never actually met for about 3 years now, but not in an intimate way. Her older sister and I are very close. Rather, I've always been sort of a mentor figure to her. Her sister has always been ok with this and respects her sister's space and my opinions. However, recently the girl expressed an interest in me. I firmly, but gently told her no, but she won't let up. I wasn't sure what to do so I brought it to my friends. Immediately they started implying that I was a verging upon pedophilia and should never have even befriended this girl to with. Their advice was to just stop talking to her completely.

    So what do you guys think? Was I wrong to begin with? or is this acceptable? and what should I do?

    #2
    Re: What do you guys think?

    If your friends are saying 'verging upon pedophilia' I am guessing you are of legal 'sexual' age and she is not?
    My posts are generally sent from my cell fone. Please excuse my brevity, and spelling/grammar errors.

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      #3
      Re: What do you guys think?

      How old are you guys?
      [4:82]

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        #4
        Re: What do you guys think?

        I think that if your relationship was strictly platonic (which it sounds like it is on your end) then you were not doing anything wrong. I think that when your on the younger age of the spectrum people form many judgements about was is acceptable for relationships and what isn't. Even though your intentions have been completely innocent and you were truly just befriending the girl, then there is no harm done. At this point, where she is expressing an interest in you, the lines of friendship can be blurred, especially to people outside of the situation. If she is many years your junior she may think there is something there that you may never have intended to convey. I think your best point is to firmly tell her no again and limit the contact you have with her. You do not have to ignore her completely, just don't be as friendly and open to communication as you have always been. Also if your very good friends with her older sister maybe explain the situation to her and she may be able to help buffer it some. From the little information you have given us, I would certainly not go so far as to call it 'pedophilia' if you truly had no ulterior motives.

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          #5
          Re: What do you guys think?

          Originally posted by Auseklis View Post
          If your friends are saying 'verging upon pedophilia' I am guessing you are of legal 'sexual' age and she is not?
          Correct, I am 18 and she is 15

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            #6
            Re: What do you guys think?

            I'm surprised the notion of "Puppy Love" has not come up here vice pedophilia. Even ignoring the fact pedophilia is usually up to about 13 in age though there is actually a different name from like 8 to 13. Given your location shows Mid-West legal age of consent is probably in the neighborhood of 16 though possibly as low as 13 in some areas, not submitted as encouragement but to give perspective.

            If you've been a mentor to her and perceived as a close friend or influence then it sounds like her affection as it develops is defined against you for those reasons. You also have failed to indicate if there are other males that she could be comparing you to, especially given the age closeness. At 18 I am assuming your either a senior in high school or possibly a freshmen at college which adds another dimension of how she might be viewing your while not actually viewing you.

            Then there is the option that her emotional perspective to you is real on her part for 15 and 18 is not that far out of a range for a relationship unless her parents have issues with you. Not saying or suggesting a sexual relationship but age wise it's not to far of a spread when you look to many couples.

            I do wonder about the perceived threat to friendship and such with your friends? The biggest way to keep a gang together was to submarine any relationship that might carry one away from the group and it really is not that uncommon of a practice for males or females. Especially if there is interest by another member of the group towards that potential love interest.
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              #7
              Re: What do you guys think?

              Originally posted by monsno_leedra View Post
              I'm surprised the notion of "Puppy Love" has not come up here vice pedophilia. Even ignoring the fact pedophilia is usually up to about 13 in age though there is actually a different name from like 8 to 13. Given your location shows Mid-West legal age of consent is probably in the neighborhood of 16 though possibly as low as 13 in some areas, not submitted as encouragement but to give perspective.

              If you've been a mentor to her and perceived as a close friend or influence then it sounds like her affection as it develops is defined against you for those reasons. You also have failed to indicate if there are other males that she could be comparing you to, especially given the age closeness. At 18 I am assuming your either a senior in high school or possibly a freshmen at college which adds another dimension of how she might be viewing your while not actually viewing you.

              Then there is the option that her emotional perspective to you is real on her part for 15 and 18 is not that far out of a range for a relationship unless her parents have issues with you. Not saying or suggesting a sexual relationship but age wise it's not to far of a spread when you look to many couples.

              I do wonder about the perceived threat to friendship and such with your friends? The biggest way to keep a gang together was to submarine any relationship that might carry one away from the group and it really is not that uncommon of a practice for males or females. Especially if there is interest by another member of the group towards that potential love interest.
              Those are all really good thoughts. Honestly last I knew she was seeing someone else, but I'm assuming that changed. In the area I was raised in a difference of more than a year or two at most is usually socially improper for relationships in teens. Mind you there are less than a 1000 people there.

              As for my friends I'm not sure why they responded that way. They are both fairly prudent I suppose, but they've always been open-minded towards me. Neither of them know the girl, I was simply asking their advice about the situation.

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                #8
                Re: What do you guys think?

                Allow me to be very blunt: You have a choice. Stick around the jailbait and raise eyebrows, and potentially get accused of a crime and have to fight for your innocence (assuming you are innocent), or just drop it and get on with your life and get to know people your own age. You're actually raising my eyebrows a little bit with this post. Right off the bat you're like, "Oh I mean, not in an intimate way" and "you know, mentoring" but like, for three years....uhh, okay...? Look, I can't make any judgment either way, but you need to just step away, dude. Hang out with adults. Forget about this chick. Should be easy if she's just someone online to begin with. Remove, block, easy peasy!

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                  #9
                  Re: What do you guys think?

                  Personally I dont see anything wrong with this-and if I did that would be extremely hypocritical of me. When my husband and I first got together it was 3 days after his 18th birthday and 3 months before my 16th-so we were about 2 years 3 months apart. Granted we weren't doing anything sexual until after I was 17 (personal choice) but we did make the occasional pedo jokes between ourselves.

                  If you were just being friendly and mentoring her, then it's REALLY not a big deal. 3 years is only that big of a gap in your mind right now because you're younger. My parents were 14 years apart from each other.

                  If you're just wanting to be friends with her, clearly and calmly tell her that and don't let yourself get guilt tripped into trying to do anything with her you don't want to. If she's continuing to not get it, tell her that if she doesn't knock it off, you wont be around anymore.
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                    #10
                    Re: What do you guys think?

                    I've dated people having a 3 year age difference and it was a little odd but there isn't anything wrong with it really in my opinion. In your situation I think you should stay friends based on your history together and your position as her mentor.
                    Circe

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                      #11
                      Re: What do you guys think?

                      No just no. Unless you want her to put you in jail. If she gets the slightest bit angry at you, or her family does or someone she brags about, your life is over. This is the time of charging everyone with molesting kids at the drop of a hat. You're 18, do not fall for this, unless you like the potential of wearing orange the rest of your life.

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                        #12
                        Re: What do you guys think?

                        Storm is right. Don't do it. Teenage girls are walking bags of hormones and instability that KNOW they are jailbait. If she's latching onto you, you better run, fast, and hope she doesn't decide to hatch an idea for revenge after you saying no to her advances (and don't tell me she's too much of an angel to do that, either - I've heard it all before, guys always think females are blameless angels until it's too late). I cannot tell you how many times I've heard it happen to unsuspecting guys, even with adult females: "Oh I'm pissed off about XYZ so I'll just say he raped me!" I've stood there trying to pick up my jaw off the floor hearing women brag about it outright to each other. Like I said before - anyone younger than 18 should not exist to you. There are plenty of people your own age you can talk to, it really shouldn't be that much of a big deal to just drop her, especially since she's an online contact only. Block buttons are totally easy. Three years is a small age difference, sure - but only after both parties are of age!

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                          #13
                          Re: What do you guys think?

                          I think we're assuming that I'm considering hooking up with her as an option. Me and her being a thing was never a consideration. Like I said I have never actually met her nor had any inclination to view her as anything, but a younger sibling essentially. But these are all very good thoughts and I appreciate so many responses.

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                            #14
                            Re: What do you guys think?

                            I had a best friend when I was in high school who was 14, I was 18. Lots of people said some nasty things, but it was a totally platonic friendship, and I talked her out of killing herself a few times and supported her (she had a rough family life, I filled in a big brother role for her).

                            She got a crush on me, and it got awkward. I stayed friends with her, but I put distance between us. Eventually she got a boyfriend and we were able to resume our friendship without any difficulties after that. You don't want to encourage her crush, but if your friendship is valuable, then you don't want to leave her life completely. If you get some distance, hopefully she'll lose interest in you and you can resume normality.

                            Good luck. And seriously, if you have to let her go as a friend to remove this complication, it will be okay. Its not worth the problems that can occur, especially because most people will assume your attentions are not honest.
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                              #15
                              Re: What do you guys think?

                              I have to agree with Rainbow and Malflick- they are right.
                              It's up to you to decide, but consider the fact that girls of her age have hormones changing, so she might get confused.
                              Though, if your friendship is important to you, so as Malflick wrote- you can have a distance and still be good friends.
                              I will add something of my own- be careful.

                              Good luck, friend.
                              "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



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