Don't really feel like going into details here, but suffice to say I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith. It's not that I've lost all belief by any means. But I've been stunned with a very harsh blow recently. Having trained for years, I believe in magic. Properly used by those with the proper amount of discipline and training, it is incredibly and unimaginably potent. Popular culture be damned, I have been on this hard and dangerous road most of my life learning the hidden art as teachers and spirits came and went over time, before I had words for it, before I bothered to call it 'magic', before Twilight and Supernatural and Ghost Hunters were ever a thing - back when daring to claim you were a 'witch' or even a 'Wiccan' or a 'Pagan' meant very extreme stigma (or even danger) where I lived. I was just some girl born in the suburbs, struggling to learn how to deal with the lot in life I was born with, how to live when you are ever and always stuck standing with one foot in the physical and one foot in the aether. I consider myself a life-long student on the path, because without its discipline and methods I would have lost my damned mind. I will always continue expanding my knowledge and honing myself. That being said, this recent blow has left me truly stunned, broken and disoriented. I've come here wondering if anyone may have any thoughts. I guess it seems the best place if any to ask.
I have used magic to do many things. It has saved my butt many times, and the butts of others around me. I don't really want to go into it all that much though, because that really isn't the point. The point is, when I needed it most, it seems to have failed me. When faced with the possibility of a terrible event, I burst far out of my comfortable pace of learning and began to push into extreme advanced magics to find a remedy. I pushed until I broke myself. I pushed until I nearly died. I witnessed many earth-shattering miracles that have changed my life, stumbling into power I did not formerly believe could exist. And yet...despite all my efforts, it was as if the fabric of all of reality struck me down and crippled me. No matter how hard I fought to change it, still I am losing everything I held dear. No spell, no hex, no power, could stop it. No force in heaven or earth could undo this tragedy. As I pick up the pieces of my life now, I wonder: What went wrong?
What do you do when it all falls apart? What do you do when even your biggest guns, your baddest spells, your utmost efforts, just seem to hit a wall of futility? All of that energy just kept dissipating like it was nothing - seriously, just, POOF. The fabric just kept correcting itself. Time marched on, and the train wreck still happened. What went wrong?
I'm sure there are many ways to look at this. I'm certain to hear many versions of the old Christian adage I heard in my young days, "God works in mysterious ways". (Perhaps replaced with "Karma" or "The Universe" - still it is the same old saying.) Maybe there is no answer to be had. Who knows. Does anyone have any thoughts? I could use a few right now, if you don't mind...
EDIT: I should clarify - the things I was trying to do included many methods that had worked like a charm before. Trusted methods that were pretty solid for me for years of time. This event seemed...totally immune. It'd be like if you were going along knowing that when you push a button, it goes "Ding!" - and then one day, suddenly, it just stops for no apparent reason. You keep pushing it, punching at it, and nothing. Works for everything else, but not for the one thing you really need it to work for. You panic and start trying to fix the button, maybe you need a bigger one, maybe you need to install a new one, what in the hell happened to your button and why isn't it working for this one thing?! -- and boom, tragedy. Just wanted to clarify a bit more what I'm talking about.
I have used magic to do many things. It has saved my butt many times, and the butts of others around me. I don't really want to go into it all that much though, because that really isn't the point. The point is, when I needed it most, it seems to have failed me. When faced with the possibility of a terrible event, I burst far out of my comfortable pace of learning and began to push into extreme advanced magics to find a remedy. I pushed until I broke myself. I pushed until I nearly died. I witnessed many earth-shattering miracles that have changed my life, stumbling into power I did not formerly believe could exist. And yet...despite all my efforts, it was as if the fabric of all of reality struck me down and crippled me. No matter how hard I fought to change it, still I am losing everything I held dear. No spell, no hex, no power, could stop it. No force in heaven or earth could undo this tragedy. As I pick up the pieces of my life now, I wonder: What went wrong?
What do you do when it all falls apart? What do you do when even your biggest guns, your baddest spells, your utmost efforts, just seem to hit a wall of futility? All of that energy just kept dissipating like it was nothing - seriously, just, POOF. The fabric just kept correcting itself. Time marched on, and the train wreck still happened. What went wrong?
I'm sure there are many ways to look at this. I'm certain to hear many versions of the old Christian adage I heard in my young days, "God works in mysterious ways". (Perhaps replaced with "Karma" or "The Universe" - still it is the same old saying.) Maybe there is no answer to be had. Who knows. Does anyone have any thoughts? I could use a few right now, if you don't mind...
EDIT: I should clarify - the things I was trying to do included many methods that had worked like a charm before. Trusted methods that were pretty solid for me for years of time. This event seemed...totally immune. It'd be like if you were going along knowing that when you push a button, it goes "Ding!" - and then one day, suddenly, it just stops for no apparent reason. You keep pushing it, punching at it, and nothing. Works for everything else, but not for the one thing you really need it to work for. You panic and start trying to fix the button, maybe you need a bigger one, maybe you need to install a new one, what in the hell happened to your button and why isn't it working for this one thing?! -- and boom, tragedy. Just wanted to clarify a bit more what I'm talking about.
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