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    got a partner/spouse with depression?

    My partner has had depression for at least 2 years. It gets better or worse depending on his life stress, but it's a constant presence at some level. He gets frustrated and gives up easily on medical options, so I'm afraid it's going to be a long, long time before it really improves. My struggle for the past 6 mo or so has been to get him to work with a psychiatrist to adjust his medication so it's actually helping him at all, and to help him do this without him freaking out from too much pressure. It's majorly affecting our sex life, and I'm more careful when he's prickly because he argues more easily. He's still himself--last night we had a refreshing conversation about his latest silly world domination plan and skunks--but he's a lot less joyful and playful than when we were dating, and I miss that.

    Because all this is nonstop, I'm finding myself getting frustrated about things I can tell him about but not really discuss without hurting him: wanting more sex, wanting him to get treatment, wanting him to stay remotely on top of his chores and bills, etc. I've got good outside support from friends, but that only helps so much. I keep thinking about how he helped me through PTSD when we were dating, and now it's my turn, and that we both swore that whole "in sickness and in health" bit. It helps, but again, only so much.

    Are you living with a spouse/partner with depression? How do you deal with its effects on you and on your relationship?

    #2
    Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

    well...I am that partner. Even though my boyfriend (if I still have one) is on another continent, he has had to deal with my depression and how it affects us. Sometimes the best thing (and most productive) you can do is have him talk to someone else, and not you.
    Satan is my spirit animal

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      #3
      Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

      This is a really, really rough one...

      My wife has some problems, and they got worse over time - particularly after menopause - which was hell itself for the whole family. Fortunately, the meds she's on help out a lot. Her sister has it worse, and my wife was able to see what it was doing to her sister's relationship with her husband and kids, which was really helpful in getting her to look into dealing with the problem.

      It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I wish I could offer you a magic bullet, but I don't think there is one. Good counseling and therapy will help - I suspect the key is in helping him to understand his problem for himself, and helping him develop coping techniques which he can use when he sees that he needs them. Meditation can also help a lot, if he's willing to work at it.

      Best wishes to you both.
      Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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        #4
        Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

        Gwen, my husband had a depressive episode a couple of years ago, that lasted for the better part of five months. I'm sure some of the older members remember me dealing with that...it wasn't pretty.

        I had a lot of guilt, because he had seen me through a lot of heath problems and PPD the year before...he hit a point where loosing his job was just the last straw. It was very hard, for both of us.

        He has never been on medication for depression, however something that really helped was when I started learning about dysthymia, which means that a particular person's "normal" is much closer to most people's "depressed", and so becoming depressed from there is very serious business. The description of dysthymia fits my husband very well. He spent years with his family wanting him to act chipper and happy about things, but it's just not in him. We manage it now by making sure that he has a place he can go when there are a lot of people around (like family events), and taking measures to keep him healthy, and lower-stress.
        Great Grandmother's Kitchen

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          #5
          Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

          Thanks, guys... it helps just to hear others' similar stories... Does anyone have any good resources? I bumped around and read some Google and Medline articles, and found the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, but anything else that has helped you would be helpful to me.

          [quote author=Medusa link=topic=838.msg14050#msg14050 date=1289962666]
          Sometimes the best thing (and most productive) you can do is have him talk to someone else, and not you.
          [/quote]

          We have another good friend (seminary classmate) who's got dysthymia and lots of experience with therapy and meds, with varying success. The two of them both have been wanting to talk about it for a while, but she's in way over her head with schoolwork and he doesn't do any scheduling logistics at all these days, so it hasn't happened yet.

          [quote author=B. de Corbin link=topic=838.msg14225#msg14225 date=1290009862]
          It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I wish I could offer you a magic bullet, but I don't think there is one. Good counseling and therapy will help - I suspect the key is in helping him to understand his problem for himself, and helping him develop coping techniques which he can use when he sees that he needs them. Meditation can also help a lot, if he's willing to work at it.
          [/quote]

          I wish I knew how to support him better in this! It's been a long, long time since he started deciding to get a meds adjustment, and he's totally written off therapy because on our health insurance (Kaiser) he'd have to miss work to get it, which is itself quite stressful. As for meditation, he's Christian and doesn't--though if I can make myself get up for and sit through church some Sunday he'll come with, and it'd probably be good seeing as one of his major worries is that his spiritual life isn't happening right now. We're hoping to visit the local UU congregation this weekend.

          I'm a chaplain in training, I fully recognize the futility of the urge to "fix" and the need to just sit through the brokenness... but damn is it frustrating and hard!

          [quote author=Deseret link=topic=838.msg14236#msg14236 date=1290011920]
          I had a lot of guilt, because he had seen me through a lot of heath problems and PPD the year before...he hit a point where loosing his job was just the last straw. It was very hard, for both of us.

          He has never been on medication for depression, however something that really helped was when I started learning about dysthymia, which means that a particular person's "normal" is much closer to most people's "depressed", and so becoming depressed from there is very serious business. The description of dysthymia fits my husband very well. He spent years with his family wanting him to act chipper and happy about things, but it's just not in him. We manage it now by making sure that he has a place he can go when there are a lot of people around (like family events), and taking measures to keep him healthy, and lower-stress.
          [/quote]

          I'm there with the guilt too... so much there with the guilt. How did you deal with it?

          The above-mentioned friend and I think it's dysthymia. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what the actual psychiatrist diagnosed him with--it might have been chronic depression. Not sure the conversation was long enough to go into specifics. Kaiser (while generally good) can be a bit of a run-'em-though medical machine sometimes, and he was pretty unimpressed with the local mental health department.

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            #6
            Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

            My husband and I both have depressive disorders. We are both currently on meds for it and sometimes its a struggle. Our marriage has been through two affairs (we each had one) and all sorts of other kinds of loss and struggles.

            Best thing to do is to get an understanding of how he feels and find ways to help him to be able to help himself.

            It's very tough but it can be done with lots of time and love and understanding!

            Best of luck to you both!

            Comment


              #7
              Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

              I've been the one with depression and I hope next time we'll spot it earlier on. I know the lack of libido was a biiig issue for us, although once he knew it was the depression, and not about whether I still fancied him, it was less damaging. I think an important thing is for you to have someone else to talk to who understands, and a way of getting away, or at least having the 'weight of care' lifted for a little while now and again. If I got depressed again I think we'd lean on our friends a bit more; we didn't really see what was happening last time and kept it within our relationship. Fortunately the relationship itself is very strong...

              One of the most horrible things about it was the effect on him. And I didn't really know that until afterwards.
              * * *
              You can find some of my creative writing at http://libbyscribbles.com

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                #8
                Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                [quote author=Amber link=topic=838.msg14389#msg14389 date=1290032052]
                Best thing to do is to get an understanding of how he feels and find ways to help him to be able to help himself.
                [/quote]

                That's what I'm working on, especially the second part (which is hard!)... thanks!

                [quote author=Maythe link=topic=838.msg15027#msg15027 date=1290207249]
                I know the lack of libido was a biiig issue for us, although once he knew it was the depression, and not about whether I still fancied him, it was less damaging. I think an important thing is for you to have someone else to talk to who understands, and a way of getting away, or at least having the 'weight of care' lifted for a little while now and again. If I got depressed again I think we'd lean on our friends a bit more; we didn't really see what was happening last time and kept it within our relationship. Fortunately the relationship itself is very strong...
                [/quote]

                I never had what I'd consider body image issues until now with the libido thing. He's reassured me that it isn't that he's not attracted to me, and I have every reason to trust him (the relationship is strong, and involves much honest communication). But because of the length and extreme of the depression's effect on our sex life, I still catch myself slipping into the "if I dress right or do the right thing, he'll be attracted enough to do something about it, and if he doesn't then maybe I'm not attractive enough" game. Less of a problem since I realized I was doing it, but still. Fortunately we do have friends who are aware and involved, and it definitely does help! Not sure how to lift the "weight of care," as it mostly manifests in us both needing more emotional support (which we've got) and in him being less willing to do chores and bills in the time frame we've agreed upon (which I can't really ask friends to do)... ideas?

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                  #9
                  Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                  Ok, more frustrations and questions...

                  He's been coming home and immediately falling asleep a lot, and sleeping poorly at night--which I realize falls under depression's tendency to screw with people's sleep habits. Today is laundry day, his chore (and there's not another day available til Saturday, which is probably too long, and I've got to work on a paper this week), so I let him rest an hour and a half before waking him to go to the laundromat. I also wanted to talk to him about an insurance bill I found out today was overdue though he'd told me he'd already paid it. (Forgetting to pay bills has also been an issue.) Wasn't gonna bring that one up til he'd been awake and vertical for at least a little bit, but he asked whether I was upset/worried about something, and we don't generally lie to each other (doesn't often work anyway). Well, the combination of being woken up for one chore and questioned about another had him in a huff til he left.

                  Does anyone here (or their partners) have sleep disturbances? How do you handle them? Do you feel sleep-deprived if you're woken from (over)sleeping? (Put differently, do you actually need 10+ hrs/night to feel rested?)

                  Any ideas on how to address undone chores/bills gently without either taking all of them on myself (which would absolutely drive me crazy, I'm a grad student) or causing a fuss whenever I bring them up? ...Yeah, that's actually a broader question in our marriage, but we were making more progress toward totally functional compromises there until the depression got worse.

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                    #10
                    Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                    As a person with bi-polar, sleep issues is a BIG symptom for me. When I am depressed I can indeed sleep 14 hours a day. And wake up and still feel physically tired. And when I am manic, I stay up hours on end and end up crashing later on because of it. I may come off sounding like some high maintenance baby here. But I strongly advocate for myself when it comes to the sleep thing. I have let my work know I cannot work overtime or 6 day work weeks or days where I am off then right on with barely 8 hours in between. I have let my boyfriend pretty much know the same thing. That even when it looks like I have nothing to do but sleep, I am going to choose that over spending some time with him, if I need it.

                    With depression comes the need to sleep but the inability to feel rested. It sucks. And that's why it's called depression. Also, short term memory can be a problem with depressed people. Honestly medication, therapy and behavioral modification is needed to address these problems. You won't be able to go at each symptom on its own. It needs to be dealt with on a whole. The symptoms are a medical condition. It's not a mood issue or a self control or crappy behavior issue. It needs to be handled by a physician to be blunt.

                    As for solving the bills issues etc? What helped me was being asked how I could be helped. I was put in as part of the solution. Ask him how he could help you figure this issue out. What options could he come up with. Sometimes what you think would help a depressed person is not what actually helps them. They just see things differently.
                    Satan is my spirit animal

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                      #11
                      Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                      [quote author=Medusa link=topic=838.msg19187#msg19187 date=1291279381]
                      With depression comes the need to sleep but the inability to feel rested. It sucks. And that's why it's called depression. Also, short term memory can be a problem with depressed people. Honestly medication, therapy and behavioral modification is needed to address these problems. You won't be able to go at each symptom on its own. It needs to be dealt with on a whole. The symptoms are a medical condition. It's not a mood issue or a self control or crappy behavior issue. It needs to be handled by a physician to be blunt.
                      [/quote]

                      Thanks for input about sleep. Thanks also for the tip about short-term memory--didn't know that one, and it makes many things make much more sense. As for the physician, that's a long-term thing with him too. After nearly 6 mo he set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and got on some meds, but they're not helping and may be making it worse. It's been many months more that he's been talking about maybe seeing the psychiatrist again to switch dosages and/or prescriptions, and when I ask about it he just says he's doing it soon and it's not a priority.

                      [quote author=Medusa link=topic=838.msg19187#msg19187 date=1291279381]
                      As for solving the bills issues etc? What helped me was being asked how I could be helped. I was put in as part of the solution. Ask him how he could help you figure this issue out. What options could he come up with. Sometimes what you think would help a depressed person is not what actually helps them. They just see things differently.
                      [/quote]

                      Thanks. I will try this. ...though the last time we had a conversation along those lines he said that because places are legally not allowed to report you to a credit agency til the bill is a month overdue, it's no big deal to have overdue bills and I needed to stop fretting... we have some different ideas of what he needs or doesn't need help with.

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                        #12
                        Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                        I also had trouble paying bills. They tended to just get left unopened on the side until MrK dealt with them. I can't explain why ringing the call centre and giving them my card details was an enormous burden, but I remember that it was. We weren't having trouble finding the money for the bills, so it wasn't that. I'm afraid I can't think of anything to help with that as MrK's solution was to take on the vast majority of the chores and bill paying himself :-[ which you can't do.
                        * * *
                        You can find some of my creative writing at http://libbyscribbles.com

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                          #13
                          Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                          Hubby and I both struggle with this same issue! Its really bad when you have two depressive people. On top of it my husband has Fibromyalgia and Diabetes which makes the memory issue even worse

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                            #14
                            Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                            [quote author=Amber link=topic=838.msg19310#msg19310 date=1291315932]
                            Hubby and I both struggle with this same issue! Its really bad when you have two depressive people. On top of it my husband has Fibromyalgia and Diabetes which makes the memory issue even worse
                            [/quote]
                            Alot of people who have depression also have Diabetes. Something about the chemical being in the same location dealing with emotions. Sugar spikes do affect memory. I have to force myself to do strict locations of certain things like keys etc. I also have a digital sticky note app on my desktop. I list my bills by due date every month. And in my calender I set a 1 week reminder that kicks in every day before the bill is due. This way it gets taken care of. I even cheat on the due date by a few days earlier knowing my propensity to procrastinate. You just need to find tricks to force yourself into repeated tasks. I do all my bill pay via my online banking and have also built in automatic payments into the mix. I used to have a very hard time paying my bills too.
                            Satan is my spirit animal

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                              #15
                              Re: got a partner/spouse with depression?

                              I wonder what it is about bills? Maybe it's because they're important and so there's automatically a pressure associated with them.
                              * * *
                              You can find some of my creative writing at http://libbyscribbles.com

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