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    Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

    I don't know why it took a stupid photo on FB to make me realize this, but I don't spend any time with my BF anymore. He sleeps until 2:16pm, goes to work at 2:30, comes home at midnight, and then plays video games until 5-6am. If I'm lucky, we might have some intimacy but I have to ask him for that -- it's never his idea and he never instigates anything physical. He never instigates anything that we might do together. I'm sure he thinks he's showing his love for me when he paid my rent for this month, but I didn't ask him to do that and I don't want his damn money, I want HIM. We don't watch movies together, don't watch shows together like we used to -- we don't spend any fucking time together. He just comes home and wants to play video games, and then when he knows I'm going to sleep, he'll come tuck me in, and then go right back to gaming.

    I feel unimportant. I feel undesirable. I feel like maybe we're just playing house. I'm not asking to be the center of his universe but just a tiny bit of attention would go a long way.

    He shows his love in practical ways -- buying the groceries I like, getting me Christmas things, and so I KNOW he cares, but money is the laziest thing to me. I want quality time and when I don't get it I feel huffy and it makes me resort to getting my attention in other places, which isn't cheating but is at least on its way there. I don't want anyone else, I want him, and I want to explain that this just isn't enough. Stop buying me things and watch a damn movie with me, talk to me, SOMETHING.

    -sigh-

    Thoughts? Rants? Words of advice? I'll take whatever you got.
    No one tells the wind which way to blow.

    #2
    Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

    Depends.

    How long has this been happening? Were you fine with this at some point when you were also busy?

    From my experience, there is an ebb and flow of interactions in any relationship. Sometimes people retreat a bit into their own worlds because they are in need of something -- sometimes just the solitude. Then again, sometimes they don't realize there is an issue. He probably has no idea there's a problem. Women can sometimes be too subtle in our signals and our significant others just can't read them.

    Have you said "honey, I miss spending time with you." Or "Hey, want to watch this movie with me?"

    I know it feels like you shouldn't have to ask, but you do. You ask for what you want in the sack, don't be afraid to ask for it out of it. Doesn't mean he loves you less because you need to tell him.

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      #3
      Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

      Originally posted by Rowanwood View Post
      I know it feels like you shouldn't have to ask, but you do. You ask for what you want in the sack, don't be afraid to ask for it out of it. Doesn't mean he loves you less because you need to tell him.
      This, so much this ^^^

      Even after being with the same man for 20 years, my husband still can't read my mind (or my body language), so I do have to tell and ask him things verbally on occasion
      The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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        #4
        Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

        Originally posted by Rowanwood View Post
        Depends.

        How long has this been happening? Were you fine with this at some point when you were also busy?
        I definitely see this as a possibility -- I just remember we used to snuggle up and watch Adventure Time, or a documentary or something. Now he's always in his cave with his headphones in listening to things by himself while he plays games. We haven't done anything at all together in so long I can't even remember. I know that he needs his alone time and so do I, but fucking a, a little bit of time together shouldn't be a chore -- and neither should physical intimacy be something that I have to beg for.

        Originally posted by Rowanwood View Post
        Have you said "honey, I miss spending time with you." Or "Hey, want to watch this movie with me?"

        I know it feels like you shouldn't have to ask, but you do. You ask for what you want in the sack, don't be afraid to ask for it out of it. Doesn't mean he loves you less because you need to tell him.
        I'm gonna ask him that right now. I know texts are stupid but it's better than waiting all damn day.

        - - - Updated - - -

        Originally posted by perzephone View Post
        This, so much this ^^^

        Even after being with the same man for 20 years, my husband still can't read my mind (or my body language), so I do have to tell and ask him things verbally on occasion
        I guess it just seems like he should be interested in being physically intimate at the VERY least. He's just not interested. Anti-depressants can't be the only answer, right? Ugh. I hate feeling so damn unwanted. It fucks with my head and makes me question myself.
        No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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          #5
          Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

          You need to tell him how you are feeling. Perhaps with some diplomacy, but...dudes aren't mind readers! I'm totally with Rowanwood and Perze here...Scott and I have been married nigh on 10 years now, and he still needs to be told to do that cleaning the counters and stove are part of cleaning up after dinner, not just doing the dishes. If I need him to be cuddly or snuggly and to get his hiney off of world of tanks, it requires something like "Babe, could you please get off that stupid game and freaking cuddle?" Seriously. And honestly, he could be thinking he's doing you a favor--giving you some space to work stuff out as far as finding or job or whatever goes.
          Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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            #6
            Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

            Originally posted by Bjorn View Post
            ...I'm sure he thinks he's showing his love for me when he paid my rent for this month, but I didn't ask him to do that and I don't want his damn money, I want HIM. We don't watch movies together, don't watch shows together like we used to -- we don't spend any fucking time together. He just comes home and wants to play video games, and then when he knows I'm going to sleep, he'll come tuck me in, and then go right back to gaming...
            ...thoughts from a man?

            If he paid your rent and bought you food, and likes he you, and he's a half-way decent guy, then coming on to you will make him feel like you feel like you're expected to... ah... "work it off."

            The cure is for you, for a while, to do most of the work.

            Or maybe he's depressed.

            I dunno. I'm not a doctor.
            Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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              #7
              Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

              Originally posted by B. de Corbin View Post
              ...thoughts from a man?

              If he paid your rent and bought you food, and likes he you, and he's a half-way decent guy, then coming on to you will make him feel like you feel like you're expected to... ah... "work it off."

              The cure is for you, for a while, to do most of the work.

              Or maybe he's depressed.

              I dunno. I'm not a doctor.
              He's always depressed. He's on Wellbutrin and is switching meds.

              I know he loves me. I just want some quality time with him and it feels like pulling teeth. Well hell, he's the one that wanted me to be exclusive to him in the first place and now he doesn't want to spend time with me or have sex with me unless I ask? WTF?

              - - - Updated - - -

              Originally posted by thalassa View Post
              You need to tell him how you are feeling. Perhaps with some diplomacy, but...dudes aren't mind readers! I'm totally with Rowanwood and Perze here...Scott and I have been married nigh on 10 years now, and he still needs to be told to do that cleaning the counters and stove are part of cleaning up after dinner, not just doing the dishes. If I need him to be cuddly or snuggly and to get his hiney off of world of tanks, it requires something like "Babe, could you please get off that stupid game and freaking cuddle?" Seriously. And honestly, he could be thinking he's doing you a favor--giving you some space to work stuff out as far as finding or job or whatever goes.
              You could be right. Like I said, I know he's a good guy and that he loves me but spending time with me shouldn't be a chore! I thought we liked each other but he's much more interested in video games and sleeping than he is in sex or spending time with me -- which are my two strongest love languages. I sent him a text. No reply, but he's at work so you know, he's probably busy. I didn't want to dwell on it all day so I sent him a text that said "Sigh, can we do something together tonight? We haven't spent time together in ages and I'm starting to feel unwanted and unimportant."
              No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                #8
                Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                That actually might be from the meds Bjorn,I know that drug and it has some side effects that might explain some things. Anti depressants can have these types of side effects. Having been on them in the past,I think you might have him check with his Doc..Most all antidepressants have some strange side effects...some do effect libido.
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                  #9
                  Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                  If he's switching meds? You gotta cut him some slack. That'll mess with his head and his junk.

                  I'd suggest snuggling with no expectations. I know you are a sexy thing...maybe he's worried about being able to perform or about his temporary lack of libido so he's hiding?

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                    #10
                    Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                    Originally posted by Rowanwood View Post
                    If he's switching meds? You gotta cut him some slack. That'll mess with his head and his junk.

                    I'd suggest snuggling with no expectations. I know you are a sexy thing...maybe he's worried about being able to perform or about his temporary lack of libido so he's hiding?
                    It's been happening for longer than that, though. I get this impression that we're just playing house or something because the sex is honestly not the most important thing to me, but quality time IS. And he used to be excited to have sex with me but now it's something he doesn't even bother with unless I ask, and that's been that way for a few months. We used to snuggle and watch cartoons but now he'd rather play video games with our roommate. I feel like just a roommate, but a roommate that does his laundry, makes the bed, cooks him food, cleans up after him... I do those things because I want to and because it seems fair since he's buying groceries and paid my rent so I try to make his life easier, but I want some damn attention too!
                    No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                      #11
                      Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                      I don't really know how to word what I'm thinking, but...

                      You were roommates before you were dating. Now you are living together and dating. There was no in-between bit. So...maybe it was fun and new and exciting and now he's settling into how he just happens to be, and doesn't realize that after 'new relationship energy' disappears, he's still expected to be new and exciting, and cuddly, and have sex with you.

                      Maybe? Do you at least get where I'm going with that? My brain is fried from work and I can't think straight.


                      Mostly art.

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                        #12
                        Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                        Originally posted by volcaniclastic View Post
                        I don't really know how to word what I'm thinking, but...

                        You were roommates before you were dating. Now you are living together and dating. There was no in-between bit. So...maybe it was fun and new and exciting and now he's settling into how he just happens to be, and doesn't realize that after 'new relationship energy' disappears, he's still expected to be new and exciting, and cuddly, and have sex with you.

                        Maybe? Do you at least get where I'm going with that? My brain is fried from work and I can't think straight.
                        I definitely see your point there. The phase where he was afraid to lose me is over and now he's got me and it's like he doesn't think he has to work to keep me! I'm not the type of girl to go to drastic measures to get what I want out of a man but I don't think I should just be expected to stick around if he doesn't give me anything to stick around FOR. I don't want ultimatums, I don't want to come across and needy and clingy, I just want a little goddamned attention! Watch a movie with me FFS! He's very physically affectionate, which I like and respond to a lot, but it's so fleeting now that it feels routine. I need more. I'm not getting several somethings that I need whereas he gets all the alone time he wants and all the sex he wants (probably more since his libido is so fucking low). It's not fair.


                        And it's been 3+ hours since I texted him and still no word. I know he read that shit, you know?
                        No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                          #13
                          Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                          Originally posted by anunitu View Post
                          That actually might be from the meds Bjorn,I know that drug and it has some side effects that might explain some things. Anti depressants can have these types of side effects. Having been on them in the past,I think you might have him check with his Doc..Most all antidepressants have some strange side effects...some do effect libido.
                          I can't speak for everyone but everyone I have known that has used them, including myself in the past, has suffered some serious mental and psychological changes. I had to stop taking them myself because I felt dead inside and outside. In many ways things simply became a series of unfocused things to pass the time but no emotion to them. One woman I know had her marriage end in divorce because she became "Cold" to everything about her, including her children.
                          I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

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                            #14
                            Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                            Originally posted by monsno_leedra View Post
                            I can't speak for everyone but everyone I have known that has used them, including myself in the past, has suffered some serious mental and psychological changes. I had to stop taking them myself because I felt dead inside and outside. In many ways things simply became a series of unfocused things to pass the time but no emotion to them. One woman I know had her marriage end in divorce because she became "Cold" to everything about her, including her children.
                            I feel that way. I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want me to see him, or has nothing to show.
                            No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                              #15
                              Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                              Originally posted by Bjorn View Post
                              I feel that way. I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want me to see him, or has nothing to show.
                              If the meds are affecting / effecting him the way they affected me it was like being a zombie. You see those you care about around you but its like a light switch has been cut off and you can't connect to them. In many ways its a terrible mind screw in that games or detached things make a sort of logical sense in that they are not real. It almost becomes a series of moves that you perform but they mean nothing to you, but you make them less you lose yourself completely to the coldness and empty space within.
                              I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

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