Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

[KarrinMurphy]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Thank you for all of your help!

To explain, yes. We have never lived together previously. We've been dating for roughly a year, and moved in together June 1st.

I'm sorry for not responding sooner-I've been so busy. I called my vet to make an appointment for my youngest to get checked out.

We currently have two litter boxes due to space issues, and also because my other two cats got along famously with a single litter box. I purchased the second specifically for my youngest, but perhaps I should invest in two more.

We are currently making plans and saving up to enclose our rather large patio, so that the cats will be able to go outside and run amok in the sun safely, which will give us more space to add more litter boxes.

My boyfriend is a piercer, and cat hair and dander is really bad for piercings and open wounds in general. While it is not a 100% truly sterile environment, changing clothes before coming to work is probably the best idea for the health of his clients.

He is quite a bit older than me, so perhaps you're right about common methods of cat "training" being seen as acceptable even though they're blatantly incorrect and outdated, but I will not tolerate abuse and I have expressly told him that if he touches my cats in anger again, I'll be leaving.

Both of our names are on the lease, but as far as I'm concerned, even if I had moved into his place, it is now officially a shared space, and thus, I think we should each have an equal opinion.

I'm going to try getting more litter boxes and seeing if the vet turns anything up for my youngest. We do currently use lidded boxes because my oldest sometimes doesn't squat when he wees, so it goes over the side if it's not enclosed (he's a very tall main coon). Perhaps I can even find a bigger box, or use one of those plastic tubs with the lid on it when we can secure the patio for them.

Thanks again for all of your help. The youngest does bully my middle cat, so perhaps that is a source of stress as well, even if he's the one doing the bullying?

[Rae'ya]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Thanks again for all of your help. The youngest does bully my middle cat, so perhaps that is a source of stress as well, even if he's the one doing the bullying?

Yes, it could be a symptom of his stress and anxiety. Sometimes anxious cats are the instigators of any in-fighting, though sometimes they are stressed because they are being picked on. With hi urinating in inappropriate places it's certainly possible that it's a part of his coping mechanisms (it's called redirected aggression and sometimes it's towards other pets, sometimes it's towards humans).

[thalassa]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Regarding the space issue, and the larger litter box thing (not much to say for the latter, except that you can DIY that)...

Once of the things that can be good for cats (and animals in general, from an ecological perspective) is three dimensional space. So...if you think of living area, you need to think of surface area (this is one reason why lawns are horrible, environmentally). How many surfaces do your cats have to roam? How can you increase those surfaces? You can add stuff up--cat runs high on the wall, perches, etc. Don't buy the premade stuff, its rediculously expensive. If you google DIY cat perch, or look up DIY cat stuff on pinterest, you can find tons of ideas.

[KarrinMurphy]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

@thalassa: thank you! We took your advice and built some carpeted window perches out of crates. It's only a start, but they love it!

[KarrinMurphy]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Update! My youngest is still peeing all over the house. My other two cats still hate him, and my boyfriend is moving out unless I find somewhere for him.

I have nowhere to go with 3 cats, and I'm afraid if I give him away somebody won't be able to tolerate his behavior issues and they'll send him to the pound to die.

I'm so worried, I don't know what to do.

[Larix]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

My oldest cat has never slept anywhere but my bed with me in six years. Boyfriend demanded we keep them out of the bedroom. This means my oldest cat meows loudly every day at 530AM until I come out and sleep on the couch with them.

It seems you prefer to sleep with a cat instead of sleeping with your boyfriend.

Well - why not marry the cat then?

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Any early-relationship conversations I've had weren't taken very seriously by the other party, which led to great disruptions later on. That may be part of the problem here. (They think, Oh of COURSE she'll get rid of the cats, or "have babies" or whatever.)

[volcaniclastic]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

It seems you prefer to sleep with a cat instead of sleeping with your boyfriend.

Well - why not marry the cat then?

I do too. My partner knows that if it came down to him or the cat, I'd pick the cat.

[Larix]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

My partner knows that if it came down to him or the cat, I'd pick the cat.

So - three cheers for the cat!

*meouw*

[Maria de Luna]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Any early-relationship conversations I've had weren't taken very seriously by the other party, which led to great disruptions later on. That may be part of the problem here. (They think, Oh of COURSE she'll get rid of the cats, or "have babies" or whatever.)

This
it starts with get rid of the cat or I leave you. It becomes a pattern, please think about why he would ask something like this, knowing how you feel about your cats, he still wants it gone. Getting rid of your youngest cat may work for now, it may fix something, but it isn't going to take care of the underlying issue, and it sounds like there is one... Yall need to have a frank conversation, and the possibility of the relationship not working out needs to be addressed as a possibility. Think really hard about how you feel about this person, what is he worth to you? What are you willing to give up to be with him? And are you sure it's a two way street?

[anubisa]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Your boyfriend sounds a right miserable git. I think maybe he should be neutered....

Seriously though... it does sound a bit as though he's looking for an excuse to find fault. And given your earlier post about working hard and feeling exhausted, I think he could cut you some slack.

Your cats sounds considerably nicer than he does.

I agree. I have dogs who have been spayed and neutered and we still use puppy pads with them even though they aren't puppies and we take them out. Your boyfriend needs to cut some slack or you need to leave him. If I was in the same situation with my dogs I would let him know that my dogs were more important to me. Because they are. I love them like family, b/c they are family.

[Larix]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

I also love cats.

But I think, if a cat or a dog is more important to somebody than a human partner, then this somebody has a real problem.

[Heka]

I also love cats.

But I think, if a cat or a dog is more important to somebody than a human partner, then this somebody has a real problem.

I disagree. Humans are fickle arseholes. With animals you know where you stand.

And they don't argue.

[thalassa]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

I disagree. Humans are fickle arseholes. With animals you know where you stand.

And they don't argue.

Not to mention, but a person that has a problem with you pet has a problem with you. Pets are family. Boyfriends are just roommates with benefits.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Not to mention, but a person that has a problem with you pet has a problem with you. Pets are family. Boyfriends are just roommates with benefits.

I both agree and disagree with this. In the beginning, boyfriends aren't like family, but later on, they are. They're like best friends and family rolled into one.

Now, that being said, I don't see how I could get to that stage with someone who didn't love my pet and couldn't accept that existing relationship. When I met my boyfriend, I had had my cat for 7 years, whereas H (my BF) was more or less a stranger at that point. He got to know me and the other relationships in my life and became a part of them. He became a part of my existing "family"...a network that includes my actual family abroad, my close friends, and my cat (well, included him...he passed away a year ago...now we have the cat we got together). That's how it should be. It's not a competition where each new addition competes and eventually replaces the others...new relationships should be additions that make life fuller.

Now, my "family" includes him, his family, and our cat, Albert. When our old cat, Petzi, was alive, he accepted him like his own. When he moved in, he helped take care of him, sat with him, and worried about him when he was sick. When we had to put him down, H cried, and we swapped stories about our favourite Petzi memories.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, H is a big part of my life, but only because he wanted to be and was willing to accept the other relationships in my life. If he had been horrible to my cat or expected me to choose, I don't think we could have gotten to that point. But, that's not who he is, so I guess I'm lucky that we found each other.