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    Questions, always questions!

    Hello and Greetings to each who visit this thread! This is going to be my first thread of many, and has a fore warning, I am going to say that some of my posts might be quite lengthy. I will affix a warning at the top of each post, when they are actually posted, but as it stands this one my get quite long. I will also state that what I am posting are my personal opinions, but I would love to learn what it is that you feel, and know, so each of us can walk away with new food for thought.

    Every person has a unique story. Each one of them are lead down several different paths in life, and sometimes those paths intertwine together. They are fraught with many obstacles, challenges, triumphs and failures. Yet each one is distinctly different for every individual. Then lets start to equate into the situation spirituality and religion. Several things can shape the outcome of what path they take from their morals, to their personal beliefs, and private experiences. And honestly? I find each and every aspect of these things completely fascinating in all actuality. I will elaborate later on a couple of these things, but then now I arrive to my main point in this post: questions.

    What exactly started me on the path that I am now as far as classifying myself as an 'unaffiliated pagan' (more on this later in other posts probably, but if you have questions just inbox me) were a million and one questions. Each of my experiences caused these to spring into my head: Why is it that the religion of my family didn't feel comfortable around me, and made my skin itch? What is religion? What is spirituality? What is deity and/or deities and how do they directly impact my life, if at all presently? What are my morals? What are my beliefs? What is it that I am feeling inside, and does it have a name? What is faith and what does it mean to me?

    Since I was a child, I've been an extremely curious individual. I would rip apart electronics, much to my siblings dismay, to try to understand why they worked the way that they did. I would lose myself into the surroundings around me, or become lost in the worlds painted in my head from the books that I fell into head first. My imagination is much the same as it was then. Over active, constantly wandering, and constantly full of wonder. Now I grew up in a strict house hold where any talk of anything other than God or Jesus Christ as the savior was something punishable. My own thoughts were often repressed because of several things, from it was wrong to believe in any other way and hell would be punishment where you would eternally burn, and hate for anything that was different was frequently tossed around. Literally. It is also the reason why I have no acted until now on my desires to learn more about something that has been calling to me since I was 15. No many how many times I 'got saved', no matter how many times I was baptized in the faith of family which brought them such pride, it was not true. I did not feel the spark that they did when they spoke of God, and instead, I felt very wrong. Now that I am away, and much older, I am free to explore this new aspect of myself quite happily.

    Everyone has questions when they first start out, and my question now for those here and around me on this board are what are the questions that got YOU to start down the path before you, and how did it feel for you? What has it been like for you so far, and what are your most prideful moments, and your hardest? I would really like to know, and share this with all of you so that each of us may grow!

    Thank each of you for your time, and I hope that your days/evenings are going well for you!

    -=[ Skyra ]=-

    #2
    Re: Questions, always questions!

    Much like you, I remember being interested in the general world of paganism at a young age, but much of it was off-bounds because of the Christian environment I grew up in. I tried very hard to get connected with Christianity, and I had fun at youth group, but I didn't feel that sense of 'rightness'.

    I got to college and my previous beliefs began to relax as I was exposed to new knowledge and experiences. I slowly moved into what I later called my "just-in-case Christian" phase - I only considered myself Christian because I'd always been told it was right. Towards the end of college I studied abroad in Japan for a while and often prayed to the kami at the shrines. At some point I realized that I was not praying to the Christian God, nor was I just being culturally sensitive, I felt the presence of the kami and was actually praying to them. I believed in them and felt connected to them in the way I had always wanted with Christianity. I realized I needed to re-asses my beliefs.

    After returning from Japan I was lucky enough to take a class on the nature of Krishna, which opened my mind to all sorts of new religious ideas I had never heard before. Over the next year, I nailed down the specific points of what I believed and started researching all sorts of different religions to see what matched the things I already believed. At some point during my studies, I read a book called "Pagans and Christians" by Gus Dizerega. I distinctly remember setting down the book on the table in my school's atrium and saying to myself "Holy shit. I'm a pagan."

    That was a pretty scary declaration. Pagan religions were the only ones in my branch of Christianity that were portrayed as being completely bad - where as even religions like Islam and Buddhism had good points even if they weren't "right". So I'd say one of the hardest things was for me was learning to except the "pagan" label and not feeling guilty about it.

    I spent the next couple of years exploring everything under the pagan umbrella - always feeling a bit lost but enjoying every second of the journey. I finally felt like I was on the right track, something I had never felt before.

    In my explorations over the next couple years, I found that I did still prefer structure and discipline despite enjoying my new found religious freedom, so I was particularly attracted to reconstructionism (at least as a base). I studied Celtic Recon for a while, but just didn't connect with the deities. I'd always felt deeply moved by Norse mythology, but when I first approached paganism, I found Asatru to be too restrictive. Which was fine, I think. I just really needed time to explore my options and find out exactly what I wanted. I ended up going full circle and am now a very happy heathen.

    I finally feel like I have a firm foundation beliefs-wise and I've been much more open talking to people about it because of this.

    I hope everyone here will eventually feel the same way in what ever practice they find themselves.


    Edit: And I would have to say one of my little prideful moments so far has actually been my boyfriend bringing up my religion to visiting Mormons. At first, I was miffed that he would bring it up without warning, but then I knew that he actually accepted my beliefs and was comfortable discussing/ debating it with others. Plus it gave me the chance to talk about my beliefs with other people for the first time.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Questions, always questions!

      I remember feeling much the same way at first. I was conflicted when I started to be drawn down the path I am now. The feelings of 'This is completely and totally wrong. This is bad for me to feel this way because this is a path of evil, and it means I will be forever burned in Hell. My family will hate me. My friends will shun me, and I will be left alone." All of the things that was often drilled into my head if I deviated from what they thought was the best for me. I am glad, however, that I broke away from it and seems you did too.

      Thank you for sharing your story with us! And that is a great example of a moment to be proud of! I'm happy for you to have experienced it!

      - - - Updated - - -

      I will have a more detailed response after my boyfriend stops trying to sap all of my attention. It's making posting difficult because I do have difficulty focusing on multiple points of interest at a time. Sorry that it was such a short response. I wanted to give you something more thought out but it was hard to get just that little bit out as it was. My apologies.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Questions, always questions!

        Originally posted by moonixir View Post
        Everyone has questions when they first start out, and my question now for those here and around me on this board are what are the questions that got YOU to start down the path before you, and how did it feel for you? What has it been like for you so far, and what are your most prideful moments, and your hardest? I would really like to know, and share this with all of you so that each of us may grow!
        Had I been told even five years ago that I would have been a Pagan now I would have thought that you were properly out of your mind. I was raised in a very devout Catholic family, and I was highly devout in the same manner. Like you though I was not able to have the same feeling of any form of direct or spiritual connection to God that others in my family seemed to have. That being said, I never questioned the faith and simply remained in my faith no matter what happened. I think this was largely because I hardly knew of life existing without Christianity. Over time though, i came to find doubts in the Christian faith.

        One of the major causes of my Christian 'faith crisis', and probably the catalyst for my path to Paganism, was actually reading the Bible, or more specifically the old testament. There I found things that went against the very ideas I had been instilled with of the God I had been taught to worship throughout my life. This started me on my journey, and through a great deal of philosophical inquiry and analysis, alongside a great deal of inward evaluation of my own beliefs, I eventually came to the conclusion that I could not, with sound mind, call myself a Christian anymore, and I became an agnostic.

        This led to probably my most important question on my journey, 'what did I actually believe'? In the later days of my Christianity, I had begun to play with the ideas of other religions, and this continued as I progressed to reevaluate my positions. Over time I formed some primitive sense of faith in the beliefs that the natural world was, at least in some way, connected to the spiritual world. Every answer simply seemed to leave more unanswered. Over time though I came back to Shinto, a religion that I had encountered years before my abandonment of Christianity. I just could never seem to get it out from the back of my mind since then, and I eventually came to choose it as my path.

        I suppose I was most proud of being able to throw off more than a decades worth of training in obedience to the Christian deity. While it was certainly not something I would have celebrated at the time, I have no regrets about abandoning the faith now that I have come as far as I have on my path.

        How has my path been? Full of personal struggle and sometimes painful, but in the end I pulled through all of that to reach my current faith. I have a small circle of people who I have revealed my Paganism to, and they have been very supportive of my despite of them all being Christian. I am however in the broom closet, so it is sometimes difficult for me since my family contains almost solely highly devout Catholics, but I have managed thus far.

        The hardest moments for me was certainly, without a doubt, actually choosing one day to pray to the Kami. I had been taught against praying to any other god other than Jesus Christ to the point that I had extreme difficulty simply getting myself to pray to the Kami, or even practice ritual purification. I don't regret it though now that I have done my rituals and prayers.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Questions, always questions!

          Well, I was raise Christain, never identified as such though. It wasn't that my experiences were bad, I just didn't hold those same beliefs. My dad's interpretation of the bible was a catalyst for me. he was king of the castle, women were beneath men, they were servants, women were evil, and a male birthed everything. 1) I'm an Aries, I'm beneath no one. 2) a male birthing all that we know, well, that went against nature. At the time, I was 7-8-years-old, nature documentaries were my life; at the time, all I had seen was that it took males AND females to create life. 3) I was evil??? When did that happen? In my experience, my dad was the evil one and my mom was the good one. So....what? There were teachings that just didn't make sense to me, and no one would give me straight, honest answers. In accordance to that, I could communicate with Spirits, and that was seen as crazy. We don't talk about that. SHHHHH! That's make believe. I found myself wondering if I was crazy. I could slip into a dream-like place (astral) and take control of my dreams (lucid dreaming). I spoke to Spirits and some of my best friends were animals. Was I crazy? I didn't feel like I was, but no one would talk to me about it. I wanted answers, but all I had were nature documentaries, X-Men comics, and fantasy and mythology books. They told me to just listen and obey. Critical thinking was bad and was the Devil whispering in your ear.

          I was largely Agnostic, and yet I saw the moon as a Sky Sister. A Protector. A Guide. But that wasn't religion, there was only one, right? I dove into my mythology books, wishing that that beings were real. One stuck out to me the most, Hestia. it was only a couple of lines and nothing at all as interesting as the others, yet there was something about Her. One night She came to me and we had a little chat, Hestia's been my Matron every since. Everything fell into place. I wasn't crazy. I was gifted. These abilities were natural. The Christain God wasn't the only God. Christianity wasn't the only faith. Most of what I had been taught was a lie.

          Best moment.... I've had many over the years, but the one that still sticks out the most, is the time that Cougar didn't eat me. I was in my favorite place practicing with my new SLR. I believe I was around 15-years-old. I was a Wiccan Witchling at this time, having been one since 11, when I dedicated myself to Wicca after a year and a day of study and practice. At this time, I had my own questions that were different from Wiccan beliefs. But once again, I was under the impression that Wicca was the only religion for a magik casting Pagan, such as myself. I felt stuck. My views about the religious aspects of Wicca were more scientific, than mythological...and they didn't fit together very well. I was a Pagan and a Witch....but was I Wiccan? I didn't know. Could I be a Witch, but not a Wiccan? What would I be (keep in mind, this was the 90's, very limited resources)? So I went out to my favorite sacred, Native American Spirit rich place to clear my head and sharpen my photography skills (I've had and continue to have many deeply profound spiritual experiences with this location). Well, I came face-to-face with a Cougar who changed my spiritual outlook for the better. We locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Staring in her eyes, I knew the answer, and the path I needed to take. Cougar blinked and moved off, heading for the Indian Mound. I knew what I needed to do. I left Wicca and pursued a more Shamanistic path, with only the Spirits--NA Ancestors and Spirit Animals--to guide me. Eventually, after using and tossing out labels that didn't quite fit my views, I found Hedgewitch (Shamanism and Witchcraft), and it fits right now, in terms of witchcraft. In terms of what type of Pagan I am....I'm just an Eclectic Pagan, who's developing my own family tradition. I'm not affiliated with any one tradition or path. Just my own. I'm just a Pagan and a Witch; that's just fine with me.

          My worst moment has to be after I had miscarried in 2011. I disconnected from everything. I questioned my faith. I felt alone. I couldn't hear or sense anyone. I felt abandoned. I didn't even know who I was. It was a terrible time. The Deities and Spirits didn't leave me, but I was in such a bad place within the void of depression, that I subconsciously shut everyone out. When I contemplated suicide, They forced Their way in and gave me hope and healing again. Our relationship is stronger than ever.

          Two decades later and I'm still fine with it. I read and immerse myself in Paganism and in witchcraft. Learning, absorbing, experimenting, reflecting, evolving. I've been a Pagan since I was 8 and a Witch since 11; it's practically all I know. I wouldn't have it any other way.
          Last edited by DyslexicPagan; 09 Jul 2014, 04:54. Reason: additions

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            #6
            Re: Questions, always questions!

            Before I get into my rather lengthy response to what has been shared, I want to thank everyone one of you for sharing with us. Each of us come from different places and have experienced many different things, but we have all come to the point we are at today. That, in itself, is fantastic and something I'm very proud of. Now to start with the lengthy response to those who have shared a bit of themselves with us all.

            I found that the hardest part with coming to terms with how it is that I believe in things is exactly that, how I believe in it. I have a journal that I utilize every single day, and I'm finding more, and more out about myself during this process. Dreams are carefully notated down, if a random question pops into my head I have to jot it down. It popped into my head for a reason, and I think it's my subconscious personally trying to get something across to my conscious mind. As I'm reading through each of your responses, I see that each of you has come to believe something. So I wanted to explain why it is that I call myself an unaffiliated pagan.

            I have a lot of questions, and a lot of answers that I have to seek within myself in order to come to terms with some personal issues in my life that have driven me for this burning need to find something that is wholly me. Once again as I stated above, Christianity did not fit well with me. It didn't feel comfortable to wrap myself around, and I didn't feel a connection with it in my heart and soul. It just was completely absent from me, and I felt guilty. When it came to me realizing what I was more drawn to, it came with a lot of internal berating. I didn't indulge in that small bit of satisfaction that had blossomed inside of me because it was inherently wrong for me to feel, or believe so strongly about something, when I was raised being told about the evil it was. It meant my damnation in the eyes of my family for turning away from their faith. So at first I completely panicked. Yet I would slyly try to ask my family questions: why is it that I'm hearing things others aren't, and seeing people that others couldn't? I was immediately told to keep my mouth shut and that I was a liar because those things couldn't possibly happen. That those things I was speaking of was of demons and they 'would have none of that talk in their house.'

            So with that I began to question everything. Was I losing my mind? If I feel so strongly about being intrigued by paganism and it feeling right, then what is my faith? It went along those lines for several years until I'm at where I am today. The 'what is my faith' question is still hanging. Tack onto that 'What are my morals?' 'What are my ethical codes?' 'What are my TRUE beliefs at heart?' Some of those questions I'm finally finding answers for, and others I'm still looking for. That all will come with time though, I'm certain of it. A lot of it requires me to first train my mind to calm down with meditation, and that in itself is difficult for me. I either fall asleep because I tend to over stress myself out, or my mind wanders back down a path that is difficult for me. Trying to cope with severe PTSD at the same time makes it just that much harder. As I practice it is getting easier however.

            So why do I call myself an unaffiliated pagan? Firstly, paganism seems to fit with me. For another? I have no connection currently with any sort of deity, or deities. I'm still freshly starting down this path of understanding, but I do know that with some of the things I've experienced, witnessed, and gone through in my life that it feels the MOST like home. I have that spark inside of me that my family does for their chosen faith. I feel.. comforted. It's a very warm feeling that wraps around me, and it has a certain rightness in it's taste, texture, sound, scent and look for me. It sounds weird when I word it that way, but I immerse myself into my senses. I use them daily. Sometimes I have to stop to appreciate even a door knob because of how it feels against my skin, the look of it, and the way that it feels when I turn it and the mechanisms react to create a pathway. I'm especially like that with my foods, and the scents that I have to have around me.

            Now that THAT long winded explanation is over, I want to once again thank you all for posting and I enjoyed reading how you came to be where you are, and the moments that made you proud. So now I have a question for those who have responded, and those who have not, what sort of advice would you give to someone who was going through the turmoil of finding out they believe in something that they were raised to believe was wrong, and how would you help them down their path?

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              #7
              Re: Questions, always questions!

              What's why I keep both an offline and an online Book of Mirrors--a reflections journal: to explore questions and my own thoughts and beliefs on whatever subjects. For some people, a post of an idea is concrete. For me, not always. I write down waht I believe. I re-read it. I reflect. Sometimes my views change, or do so with time.

              In terms of your question, I have been faced with spiritual truths that put me in denial. I'd get angry and call bullshit; remain stubborn over an idea that's either outdated or plain wrong. But after some reflection and research, I would come around. It's kind of like when Pluto lost its planetary status. I'm still stubborn over it. Pluto's still a planet and my kids will be raised to know that as well. It's not like my faith was shaken, by any means, but it's a similar sensation. Reaction.

              The only thing I can subject, from experience, is to just give it time. I'm a very observant and reflective person, so journaling is often key. Ask yourself why you're hurt, angry. Acknowledge if you're being stubborn. Research if you want for proof or a better understanding, I suppose. Give it time and reflect. We're not meant to know everythign overnight, understanding and growth comes over time. There are still some beliefs--things that I was raised to know--that have been proven wrong or people who've enlightened me about the issue. I fight at first. Then over time, I examine my feelings as to why I feel the way that I do, and slowly change takes hold. Othertimes, there is no anger. But I still fact check, and come to accept it. Religion and Spirituality are a journey, one that should evolve and change over time. It's not always easy, but it's worth it in the end. In the beginning of 2012, I lost who I was and questioned everything, existence, my faith, everything. I went on a journey of emotional self destruction and, eventually, rediscovery of self. It sucked, but I have a better understanding of who I am and what I believe. Just takes time.

              On another level, meditation can help, too, as you probably know. It clears your mind, revitalizes your body, and allows you to see clearly and to calm down. If you're have problems with meditation, you could try Zentangles (google it or go to zentangle.com). I love them; they can be as elaborate or as simple as you want, and for me, they're addictive! It doesn't require you to be a master doodler or artist, and it's very calming and can put you into a trance-like state. I haven't been able to have a good meditative session in 4 years, so I get it, but have found that Zentangles help me to achieve a similar level of consciousness, and has been helpful in aiding me to deal with depression and my own traumas.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Questions, always questions!

                Originally posted by DyslexicPagan View Post
                On another level, meditation can help, too, as you probably know. It clears your mind, revitalizes your body, and allows you to see clearly and to calm down. If you're have problems with meditation, you could try Zentangles (google it or go to zentangle.com). I love them; they can be as elaborate or as simple as you want, and for me, they're addictive! It doesn't require you to be a master doodler or artist, and it's very calming and can put you into a trance-like state. I haven't been able to have a good meditative session in 4 years, so I get it, but have found that Zentangles help me to achieve a similar level of consciousness, and has been helpful in aiding me to deal with depression and my own traumas.

                Firstly, that was an amazing post! You are right about so many different things. It is a journey of self discovery, and it is one of the most hard things that I have had to do in my life at this present time. I will admit that sometimes I could do with a bit more patience, and that I tend to get frazzled and frayed when there isn't quick results. All of which will end up hindering me if I don't learn how to just take deep breaths and calm myself down. Even in that aspect I am changing, and I find that I am giving myself more credit than I have in the previous crossroads I faced in my life. It is difficult to the point that sometimes I want to rip my hair out of my head. Then comes that moment when something clicks for me and I understand why it is that I am doing what I am doing. It's also happening more frequently than it had previously, and that in itself I am taking as a sign that I'm heading in the right direction.

                Meditation though. Even guided meditation is a bit of a problem for me. My mind wanders, and I instantly start day dreaming. I honestly sped the majority of my day inside of my head with my imagination running around like a two year old on a sugar high. Sometimes it calms down for me and there is blissful silence in my head, but that is so rare that when it happens, it lasts for only a couple of seconds before it is disturbed again. I go to bed thinking, and wake up thinking in what feels like a single line of continuous thought, even if they are just fragments linked together that make no sense and brightly colored by words, music, and anything else twined around it.

                I haven't heard of Zentangles though, and I will definitely take a look at it. Maybe if I can get myself to focus on one thing properly for a good portion of time, I will be able to eventually meditate and get that calmness inside that rarely shows its head. I'm not in any circumstances saying that I hate that I have such an overactive imagination. I love it most of the time, but there are times I just wish it would.. take a breather for a little while.

                Thank you for your suggestions, and also advice!

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