Who should lead the bride to the altar?

[Larix]

Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I must say that I find this old custom of the father "giving the bride away" simple terrible.

A leftover of the time, when daughters belonged the father like so much cattle that he could sell.

Inhuman, really.

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I find the custom where bride and bridegroom walk up the altar together so much more civilized and human.

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Now - what do you think?

[thalassa]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

Whom ever the bride wants to walk her up the aisle. Its not the bride's fault if she chooses her father because they have a good relationship and her mom wants to take pictures, if someone in the audience sees it as paternalism....any more than its the bride's fault if she chooses her sister and someone in the audience sees it as a horrible breech of tradition.

Personally, I like the symbolism of the bride walking up the aisle to the groom as leaving one family to start another. Both my parents walked me up the aisle (since I had a non-Christian but traditional wedding)....but if he'd been able to travel, I would have had my grandpa do it.

[Ophidia]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

Ditto on the 'whoever the bride chooses'. Scandalous, no?

[MaskedOne]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I think that if one has the energy to get particularly worked up over an optional part of a marriage ceremony then one probably has far too much free time on their hands.

Also the Bride should approach the altar with an escort of her choosing.

[Azvanna]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

My mother walked me down the aisle I think it's a nice symbolism for a parent to walk their child down the altar... and I was just about to say the exact same thing as Thalassa.. I like the symbolism of cleaving from one family and creating another. It would be nice if there were something the groom and his family could do to symbolise this as well.

[thalassa]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

It would be nice if there were something the groom and his family could do to symbolise this as well.

His mom lit our candles for the Unity candle thingy.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

Let me start out by saying that I am a strong believer in the idea that people should do what they feel is best, so I encourage people to make their own choices. I do ask something in return, though - let others make their own choices as well.

So - FOR me (and, to avoid any possible misunderstandings, I draw attention to the phrase "FOR me"):

If one is taking one's wedding seriously, and sees it as an important personal event, it strikes me as odd that one would use it as an opportunity to make a political statement. IMHO - it is about something else entirely.

In my own experience:
My eldest daughter got married about 5 years ago. I "gave her away" - it was her choice to do so, and I would have been fine with whatever she picked. But she picked me, and I was greatly honored.

While walking her down the aisle I whispered little jokes based on some very happy childhood memories we shared. She was (understandably) very nervous, and the little humor put a big, honest happy face above the bridal dress.

Not only that, but for those few seconds we walked down the aisle, because of the pleasure we both shared in each other's company, we were very, very close. That is a memory I will always treasure, for as long as I have a memory to do so.

And I also know that it is a memory she treasures (she still brings it up ), and knowing that is something that will make me happy for as long as I am alive to experience happiness.

P.S. - we still joke about "giving her away." When she asks for something, I tell to go pester her husband, 'cause I gave her away, and she's not my problem anymore. This is, of course, just a joke, and one more personal bit of fun that we share.

[Larix]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I think so far nobody has really seen what I really mean.

I wonder if it is any use to explain it again.

I am afraid that I might only be seen as the bad guy who wants to ruin nice marriage ceremonies.

That is not my intention.

I think it better for myself to stop this subject before I get hung, drawn, and quartered!

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one probably has far too much free time on their hands.

That is a nice "argument" by which people like to silence anybody who happens to voice an opinion that is different from their own.

[MaskedOne]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I have far more efficient means to silence opposition than mere snark, Larix. Try not to confuse me being snarky with an active attempt to silence your opinion. You asked for an opinion, you got one. Take it or leave it. I'm not invested enough to debate the issue with you.

[thalassa]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I think so far nobody has really seen what I really mean.

I wonder if it is any use to explain it again.

I am afraid that I might only be seen as the bad guy who wants to ruin nice marriage ceremonies.

That is not my intention.

No, I think that those of us have responded don't think its a big deal. Either we see the tradition in a different light, or we've gotten over politicizing the tradition for our own ends, or we just don't care...or maybe a bit of all three.

I'm all for smackdown of The Patriarchy. But I also think that traditions change in purpose over time, and tossing it out of spite for what it may or may not have been is, in my opinion, overreactive, unproductive, and a waste of my time.

I'm married. I've had a wedding. I planned my wedding. I made a choice to have a (semi) traditional wedding, and I made changes to the (more or less) traditional aspects of wedding that I (or my husband) had issues with---there was no "obey" in our vows, there was an elemental blessing, and a non-religious "prayer", etc. Part of what we chose to keep of tradition was to a) walk down the aisle and b) have my parents as my escort...because it is a symbol of two families coming together, and I had a smashing dress that I beaded myself to show off....darn right I was going to walk down the aisle. And besides, I don't think there is a useful modern symbolism to having the bride and groom walk down the aisle together. Someone else may have a different opinion on that, so they can conduct their ceremony as they feel.

And, having been married now for almost 10 years, that this choice--this 60 seconds of one day--has had absolutely no bearing on the relevancy of male-female dynamics in my relationship...

[Rowanwood]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

^^ What she said.

I actually don't have a father (he died when I was a child) but I still had a close male relation (my mother's gay brother, if that matters) walk me to my husband. There wasn't an aisle, per se, since it was outside, but same intent. It was symbolic to me of going from my family to a new family, of me and my husband. I was then married by an ordained Wiccan High Priest, dressed like Friar Tuck. You know, just to be confusing.

We created something with historical and traditional influences (the aisle walk, the men wore kilts, etc) but had a very different ceremony (no obey, cakes/wine during the ceremony).

The problem with "patriarchy" is when its the law. There's nothing wrong with living even in a totally submissive way, if its a choice. If a woman wants to think of herself as a breeding commodity, who am I to decide if that's the wrong choice for her any more than she had the right to decide my path.

That's the entire point of equality. WE get to choose.

[lightdragon]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

what about this one. no one walks with the bride. she goes to the altar by herself as independent and equal before and after the wedding.

[thalassa]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

what about this one. no one walks with the bride. she goes to the altar by herself as independent and equal before and after the wedding.

If that's what floats her boat, by all means...that's what she should do.

Which is the point--its a choice. And that choice depends on the importance one levies at the thing they are making the choice about, and about the significance they attach to it. If you don't see the action as one of dependence and inequality, then you won't care about it in that context.

[Ophidia]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I think so far nobody has really seen what I really mean.

I wonder if it is any use to explain it again.

I am afraid that I might only be seen as the bad guy who wants to ruin nice marriage ceremonies.

That is not my intention.

I think it better for myself to stop this subject before I get hung, drawn, and quartered!

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That is a nice "argument" by which people like to silence anybody who happens to voice an opinion that is different from their own.

I don't think anyone's trying to make you out to be a villain. I just think this is the wrong venue for the subject.

Not everyone here is a feminist, or an old-school traditionalist when it comes to societal behaviors. Most of us are 'live & let live' kind of people.

If you read many other threads here, you'll notice a lot of responses in the vein of "as long as (insert behavior here) isn't forced on anyone else, then it's up to the individual to choose how they want to behave".

It's like Medusa's thread on 'How Much Naked is Too Much' - the responses weren't "OMG, no one should be naked around their kids! It's immoral! It's lewd!" - most of the responses were based around "personally I ...", or "whenever you don't want to be naked around each other anymore".

[Carlin]

Re: Who should lead the bride to the altar?

I must say that I find this old custom of the father "giving the bride away" simple terrible.

A leftover of the time, when daughters belonged the father like so much cattle that he could sell.

I dislike it too, it's quite horrible.

If and when I get married, I intend to walk myself to the altar.