Posted on another forum I frequent. I'm beginning to think all the knowledge I have acquired over god knows how long now, is actually nothing.
That I am nothing, I am nowhere. I don't know where to start, where I'll end.
I'm homeless, I have been for years. I used to be a heroin addict. Honestly, not in a much better state now, as I'm still completely dependent upon opiates to function. Albeit now that I am in the "Methadone maintenance program" I am still, for all intents and purposes, a drug addict.
I haven't had any friends in years now. And it's like, every "personality" or whatever I've attempted to portray, because I myself am completely anti-social and feel so awkward socially that nobody would ever be interested in being my friend, and being completely obsessed with spirituality and finding out what life is all about doesn't help that. I basically have no interest in meeting people, yet, I as a human being require love and comforting relationships and all that shit, but I don't want to bother to meet people. And when I do, nobody shows any interest in actually getting to know me, so it's not long before I stop bothering to hang with them at all.
I'm very sad right now. Having to accept that in all this time, I've really learned nothing, and this obsession with spirituality, to the point that I have no interest in having a job, or whatever the hell else, because ALL I want is to be able to Astral Project, meet spirits, and learn from somebody, and gain real power. So I can then use that power to build a personal empire. I don't want to follow Pagan ideals and worship the seasons, or some God or Goddess, I want to BE the God and shape my reality. And I know this is possible, because this, as far as I have learned, is what black magick is all about, and THAT is what I want. HOW DO I GET THERE?
Now what? I fully expect to be berated here, personally attacked as I have seen to be the case already here. I wanted to feel like all the time I spent hasn't been worthless, that I might be valuable in some way. But no, I'm not, I have no value to anybody here.
Can I get some actual guidance? Can SOMEBODY point me to what I should be doing to finally start moving in a direction I WANT to be moving in?
That I am nothing, I am nowhere. I don't know where to start, where I'll end.
I'm homeless, I have been for years. I used to be a heroin addict. Honestly, not in a much better state now, as I'm still completely dependent upon opiates to function. Albeit now that I am in the "Methadone maintenance program" I am still, for all intents and purposes, a drug addict.
I haven't had any friends in years now. And it's like, every "personality" or whatever I've attempted to portray, because I myself am completely anti-social and feel so awkward socially that nobody would ever be interested in being my friend, and being completely obsessed with spirituality and finding out what life is all about doesn't help that. I basically have no interest in meeting people, yet, I as a human being require love and comforting relationships and all that shit, but I don't want to bother to meet people. And when I do, nobody shows any interest in actually getting to know me, so it's not long before I stop bothering to hang with them at all.
I'm very sad right now. Having to accept that in all this time, I've really learned nothing, and this obsession with spirituality, to the point that I have no interest in having a job, or whatever the hell else, because ALL I want is to be able to Astral Project, meet spirits, and learn from somebody, and gain real power. So I can then use that power to build a personal empire. I don't want to follow Pagan ideals and worship the seasons, or some God or Goddess, I want to BE the God and shape my reality. And I know this is possible, because this, as far as I have learned, is what black magick is all about, and THAT is what I want. HOW DO I GET THERE?
This is really starting to bother me now.
Every time I perform a sigil working. For whatever reason, I either cannot relax my eyes enough, or can't figure out how this "gaze" is supposed to work. As my eyes CONSTANTLY move in and out of focus, go cross-eyed, etc. Due to this constantly shifting gaze, I never feel as if I have, or can, fully charge a sigil, as I can't look at it for more than a few seconds before my eyes change focus. Moving around the image, going cross-eyed.
Long story short, I CAN'T hold a steady gaze.
The more and more I learn about spirituality and the occult, the more I am realizing I am a complete and utter nobody, that I really can't do anything yet, and that I know NOTHING.
Like it's no wonder I can't Astral Project, I can't even do simple basics. And after all this time trying to learn myself, and seeing other people able to pick up on this stuff by themselves, I am starting to realize this just isn't working for me.
I need to find a real mentor, somebody who can tell me where I should be starting, what basics I need to learn. As I basically just start reading about whatever, practicing whatever, in the hopes it's going to ultimately help me figure out where I'm supposed to be going with this.
I really have no idea, and the overwhelm of all of it is bringing me down more and more and more.
An honest assessment here:
- Completely and utterly failed at evocation, can't produce any visual phenomena of any kind.
- Can't even meditate. I cannot relax my body or mind even enough to hold a steady thought upon my Ajna chakra, or any other chakra for that matter.
For example: I try Ajna and other chakra work every night in hopes one day I'll finally be able to leave my body, however, what actually happens is before I can even get halfway through a visualization (which is incredibly hard for me because my mind WILL NOT keep still) - My mind will wander, and I'll just be thinking about whatever else, until it actually clicks that my mind has wandered. Then I'll start focusing on whatever again, and the same thing happens. Over and over until I give up in frustration or either fall asleep. I'll wake up, try again, fall asleep again. This happens nightly.
- in Sigil workings in attempt to remove obstacles, gain wealth, anything, I can't hold my gaze for more than 3 seconds without my eyes shifting focus. My body twitches, can't hold still.
- Same as above with candle magick, can't hold gaze on flame without eyes shifting focus.
These are the only practical things I've attempted. I tried a 3 day possession pact with Azazel, hoping he could kickstart my learning. I couldn't tell at all if it worked, but I did get the idea that not only what I had ultimately imagined where I'd be was basically pathetic compared to what Azazel thinks I COULD have, COULD BE.
That, and I'm basically nowhere, have learned nothing, and am not even at the level of "Neophyte" That all this time I haven't even moved from the first square, that I have no direction, no idea where I should be going or what I should be doing, and that it is IMPERATIVE that I find somebody who can help me.
Every time I perform a sigil working. For whatever reason, I either cannot relax my eyes enough, or can't figure out how this "gaze" is supposed to work. As my eyes CONSTANTLY move in and out of focus, go cross-eyed, etc. Due to this constantly shifting gaze, I never feel as if I have, or can, fully charge a sigil, as I can't look at it for more than a few seconds before my eyes change focus. Moving around the image, going cross-eyed.
Long story short, I CAN'T hold a steady gaze.
The more and more I learn about spirituality and the occult, the more I am realizing I am a complete and utter nobody, that I really can't do anything yet, and that I know NOTHING.
Like it's no wonder I can't Astral Project, I can't even do simple basics. And after all this time trying to learn myself, and seeing other people able to pick up on this stuff by themselves, I am starting to realize this just isn't working for me.
I need to find a real mentor, somebody who can tell me where I should be starting, what basics I need to learn. As I basically just start reading about whatever, practicing whatever, in the hopes it's going to ultimately help me figure out where I'm supposed to be going with this.
I really have no idea, and the overwhelm of all of it is bringing me down more and more and more.
An honest assessment here:
- Completely and utterly failed at evocation, can't produce any visual phenomena of any kind.
- Can't even meditate. I cannot relax my body or mind even enough to hold a steady thought upon my Ajna chakra, or any other chakra for that matter.
For example: I try Ajna and other chakra work every night in hopes one day I'll finally be able to leave my body, however, what actually happens is before I can even get halfway through a visualization (which is incredibly hard for me because my mind WILL NOT keep still) - My mind will wander, and I'll just be thinking about whatever else, until it actually clicks that my mind has wandered. Then I'll start focusing on whatever again, and the same thing happens. Over and over until I give up in frustration or either fall asleep. I'll wake up, try again, fall asleep again. This happens nightly.
- in Sigil workings in attempt to remove obstacles, gain wealth, anything, I can't hold my gaze for more than 3 seconds without my eyes shifting focus. My body twitches, can't hold still.
- Same as above with candle magick, can't hold gaze on flame without eyes shifting focus.
These are the only practical things I've attempted. I tried a 3 day possession pact with Azazel, hoping he could kickstart my learning. I couldn't tell at all if it worked, but I did get the idea that not only what I had ultimately imagined where I'd be was basically pathetic compared to what Azazel thinks I COULD have, COULD BE.
That, and I'm basically nowhere, have learned nothing, and am not even at the level of "Neophyte" That all this time I haven't even moved from the first square, that I have no direction, no idea where I should be going or what I should be doing, and that it is IMPERATIVE that I find somebody who can help me.
Can I get some actual guidance? Can SOMEBODY point me to what I should be doing to finally start moving in a direction I WANT to be moving in?
Comment