Hello! This is my first non-introduction post. I'm really just looking for some advice.
In my introduction I mentioned that I haven't considered myself a Christian since I was 11, but even though it's been a while I still carry around a lot of the negative things I was taught about religion and God by my family and culture. I was raised with the idea that fear is the best way to love God and I find that I still associate "deity" with "fear". Even to this day my step-grandmother will send me books that are supposedly about religion but are really more about Lucifer and his temptations, out to destroy my soul. From a woman who, at least as far as I know, still believes I'm a Christian.
I believe I've been very lucky throughout the years, inasmuch as I think the Goddesses I've been called to have called quite loudly. That always made me feel so happy but also, very, very afraid. At some point I'd read myths about them or really any gods at all and they invariably show mortals being punished for...not worshipping right, is the one that bothers me the most. Those stories and the threats (that's what they feel like to me) that I remember about God not loving me if I do ____ and Satan trying to possess me make me so afraid that I don't feel like I can actually worship any deity without putting myself in actual danger. It doesn't make a lot of sense, to be called by someone just so they can punish you. That's what I keep telling myself, anyways.
So basically I'm so terrified that I'm going to say something wrong in prayer that I spend half of my time apologizing for being such a dunce. Then when it gets to be so much that I end up not praying or offering anything of myself at all, I worry that I'm going to be punished for that! I feel like I'm being disrespectful, which only makes everything worse because that's not how I want to be.
So I guess my question is, did/do you experience any fear when it comes to connecting with your chosen deity, assuming you have one, or when connecting with your religion in general? If so, how do you handle it? Whether you do or not, do you have any ideas for how I can address the fear I feel?
Thank you for your time and effort!
In my introduction I mentioned that I haven't considered myself a Christian since I was 11, but even though it's been a while I still carry around a lot of the negative things I was taught about religion and God by my family and culture. I was raised with the idea that fear is the best way to love God and I find that I still associate "deity" with "fear". Even to this day my step-grandmother will send me books that are supposedly about religion but are really more about Lucifer and his temptations, out to destroy my soul. From a woman who, at least as far as I know, still believes I'm a Christian.
I believe I've been very lucky throughout the years, inasmuch as I think the Goddesses I've been called to have called quite loudly. That always made me feel so happy but also, very, very afraid. At some point I'd read myths about them or really any gods at all and they invariably show mortals being punished for...not worshipping right, is the one that bothers me the most. Those stories and the threats (that's what they feel like to me) that I remember about God not loving me if I do ____ and Satan trying to possess me make me so afraid that I don't feel like I can actually worship any deity without putting myself in actual danger. It doesn't make a lot of sense, to be called by someone just so they can punish you. That's what I keep telling myself, anyways.
So basically I'm so terrified that I'm going to say something wrong in prayer that I spend half of my time apologizing for being such a dunce. Then when it gets to be so much that I end up not praying or offering anything of myself at all, I worry that I'm going to be punished for that! I feel like I'm being disrespectful, which only makes everything worse because that's not how I want to be.
So I guess my question is, did/do you experience any fear when it comes to connecting with your chosen deity, assuming you have one, or when connecting with your religion in general? If so, how do you handle it? Whether you do or not, do you have any ideas for how I can address the fear I feel?
Thank you for your time and effort!
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