Hey all, as I start to write this I am feeling both excitement and wariness. I know the title is interesting, to say the least, but I will explain.
15 years ago, I started the long journey that is a practicing Pagan (i'm leaving it at the umbrella term on purpose, being young I was too ADD in my interests to follow a particular path and was jumping around a lot). It was going well, my girlfriend at the time and I had a lot of excitement and enthusiasm and we were learning everything we could. We weren't really on the internet a whole lot so our support structure was basically non-existent as we were currently living in what is known as the Bible Belt of the United States, but we made do. I'm going to do a tl;dr of the time period and just say it was great and I could tell it was going to be a life long journey...
Unfortunately it didn't last due to one particular experience about 12 years ago now.
I was dabbling in deep meditation and astral projection on my own without any guidance except for some books at the local bookstore, which I now know to be a poor decision. The book (I can't remember the title of it) stated that in order to leave the physical so you could travel you had to be so relaxed that your spirit was almost bored, and then concentrate on thinning a section of your bodies natural shield and push through it. One night I was doing just that when I felt that I had finally (after over a year) managed to thin my shield enough to push through. So I went for it, but rather than feeling what others have described as blissful freedom, as soon as I went to exit I felt the most fear inducing, intimidating presence I have ever or most likely will ever experience in my life. It felt like the presence physically forced me back into my body, and it was so powerful that I literally spasmed out of my bed, completely out of breath, like when you get hit in the stomach with a soccer ball and can't breathe for a few minutes. It took me over an hour to calm down, and couldn't sleep the rest of the night.
Within the next month, I stopped any sort of practicing, and even started to disbelieve (I think it was my mind trying to distance itself from the situation). My girlfriend and I broke up and I didn't think about anything related to Paganism for the next 10 years. This was fine, as my wife is 100% athiest, for a while.
2 years ago though, I became friends with a new group of people and a section of them are Pagan to one extent or another. I started to celebrate the solstices with them and it started to make me think back to days past. Since that first solstice, I was unable to force myself to disbelieve any more as I felt the strongest connection to that fire that I have in years to anything. So I started to look back into things on a small scale, until a month or so ago when I remembered that experience from 12 years ago. But being older, rather than running from my problems I decided to try and meet them head on. After much introspection and thought, I realized that what I needed was to share my story with others and build a support structure, learn about what could have gone on back then, and defeat my own fear.
SO, I got a tattoo last night that says 'All knowledge is worth having' and here I am. Telling my story, hoping I won't be judged, and looking to get back into what I truly believe I should have been doing this whole time.
so yea... HI ALL!! sorry for the depressing first post. :=L:
15 years ago, I started the long journey that is a practicing Pagan (i'm leaving it at the umbrella term on purpose, being young I was too ADD in my interests to follow a particular path and was jumping around a lot). It was going well, my girlfriend at the time and I had a lot of excitement and enthusiasm and we were learning everything we could. We weren't really on the internet a whole lot so our support structure was basically non-existent as we were currently living in what is known as the Bible Belt of the United States, but we made do. I'm going to do a tl;dr of the time period and just say it was great and I could tell it was going to be a life long journey...
Unfortunately it didn't last due to one particular experience about 12 years ago now.
I was dabbling in deep meditation and astral projection on my own without any guidance except for some books at the local bookstore, which I now know to be a poor decision. The book (I can't remember the title of it) stated that in order to leave the physical so you could travel you had to be so relaxed that your spirit was almost bored, and then concentrate on thinning a section of your bodies natural shield and push through it. One night I was doing just that when I felt that I had finally (after over a year) managed to thin my shield enough to push through. So I went for it, but rather than feeling what others have described as blissful freedom, as soon as I went to exit I felt the most fear inducing, intimidating presence I have ever or most likely will ever experience in my life. It felt like the presence physically forced me back into my body, and it was so powerful that I literally spasmed out of my bed, completely out of breath, like when you get hit in the stomach with a soccer ball and can't breathe for a few minutes. It took me over an hour to calm down, and couldn't sleep the rest of the night.
Within the next month, I stopped any sort of practicing, and even started to disbelieve (I think it was my mind trying to distance itself from the situation). My girlfriend and I broke up and I didn't think about anything related to Paganism for the next 10 years. This was fine, as my wife is 100% athiest, for a while.
2 years ago though, I became friends with a new group of people and a section of them are Pagan to one extent or another. I started to celebrate the solstices with them and it started to make me think back to days past. Since that first solstice, I was unable to force myself to disbelieve any more as I felt the strongest connection to that fire that I have in years to anything. So I started to look back into things on a small scale, until a month or so ago when I remembered that experience from 12 years ago. But being older, rather than running from my problems I decided to try and meet them head on. After much introspection and thought, I realized that what I needed was to share my story with others and build a support structure, learn about what could have gone on back then, and defeat my own fear.
SO, I got a tattoo last night that says 'All knowledge is worth having' and here I am. Telling my story, hoping I won't be judged, and looking to get back into what I truly believe I should have been doing this whole time.
so yea... HI ALL!! sorry for the depressing first post. :=L:
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